True Heart Times

So Long...

2007-01-04T15:07:00.000-05:00

I regret to inform you that this my last entry here at True Heart Times. I have been adding articles and self-written pieces here for the better part of two years. I've learned a lot. God has used this forum to challenge me to think Godly about issues I would normally not comment on. He's given me great topics. He's given me controversial topics. Some of you have actually stopped by to read what I had to say. Not many, but some.

In the end, I think my work here is good, but not necessary. I have looked at other blog sites and, to be honest, they approach many of the other topics I want to touch on and do a much better job of it. So, let 'em. It has also been a struggle to keep writing things. I find I write two or three things, then two weeks will go by with nothing. I just don't have the schedule that allows me to write all I'd want to.

Besides, the writing I want to do is on my computer. I've been challenged by God to write more plays. I'm going to focus on stage and screenplays. I've put a first draft togther of a play that might be used as the next Christmas play. I also feel God giving me vision for a one-man show. Short pieces, drama, comedy - all sorts of stuff. I need to pray on that one.

While I was at my Office Manager's wedding December 29, God spoke during worship - "Expect change." and "Be listening to Me through the changes." At first, I thought the changes only referred to work. But Tricia heard the same word. The change goes deeper than just my job. How deep? Dunno. And it's not my job to try to isolate it out. I just need to be self-controlled and alert, always on the ready. He'll let me know when the pillar of cloud and the pillar of fire are going to move. I can't get the big fan out and try to move them myself. So we need to press in to God and be listening for His voice. Scary, but awesome all at the same time.

I'll leave you with that - "Be listening to Me through the changes". That's good for anyone. God is not silent; we are not listening.

I've enjoyed our little times together. Stay true to the heart god placed in you. As John says in the last chapter of Wild At Heart - "Now, reader, it is your turn to write - venture forth with God. Remember, don't ask yourself what the world needs..."

The last couple of weeks, leading up to Christmas...

2006-12-23T19:23:00.000-05:00

They have been exhausting. I was begging for this weekend. Thankfully, I do get four days off, then I work for two days, then I have four more days off. So it's like a mini-vacation. And I do get three weeks off next year, too. So I feel like I'm climbing the ladder a little. But it's only going to get harder. Seeing as how it's my office manager that's getting married on Friday. I know i'm going to get stuck doing numerous things that I don't know how to do. I'll have to spend extra time in the office, doing reports and things. Not that I mind. But it will involve a lot of time. I pray for stamina.

The biggest news from last week is that I dyed my hair bleach blonde. I've wanted to do something crazy with it. I finally got up the nerve. It was quite yellow last week at this time. Now it's settling in more red-orange. Not bad. I've only gotten one negative comment, from a patient whose sanity I question to begin with. I like it. I think I'm going to keep it this way. I'm looking to post a new picture when I get a chance.

Carissa and Rachel are definitely heading into music. Both have solos tomorrow night at church. Rachel, age 5, did a knock-out "Away in a Manger" and earned herself a spot in the Christmas Eve service. I'm doing a reading as well.

I'm also finishing a first draft of a Christmas play, possibly to be done (in one form or another) next year. It's similar to other plays I've done - a lonely diner becomes a refuge for an odd cast of characters who are stranded during a snow storm. They learn about themselves and God on a strange Christmas Eve. It's funny and touching, with some wierd people. Like the odd ball who wrote it.

Well, I want to write a longer piece on my Christmas reflections. Christmas has always been an odd time for me. I never really seem to "get it". So many I read are captivated by the Christ Child this time of year - the manger, the star, the wise men, etc. - and I am grateful for that first Christmas morning. But I don't think I've ever had that sense of wonder. Maybe it's my lack of religious upbringing as a child. Christmas always just a gift-getting time. Or now that i'm in the church, I've always been up to my nose hairs in cantatas, plays, Christmas Eve services and the like to really ever focus on the manger and all the like. I'm always just filled with such a sense of...exhaustion. Tomorrow is a rare day - Christmas Eve on a Sunday. We basically will spend all day in church. It doesn't have to be a chore. Going to church never is for us anyway. But tomorrow could be a golden opportunity to shut the world out and just worship. Focus on all that Jesus is and what He came to give us. Now that all the running around is done, we can get down to business. If there's any energy left within us.

Merry Christmas. May He find you ready this year for the radical invasion to overtake you, the way I hope it overtakes me.

When the questions change...

2006-12-11T16:41:00.000-05:00

Well, the Christmas play is over. What a great experience! Three shows, three packed houses. The message of Christmas, and how this little baby calls us "home for the holidays" was powerful. We had several people give their hearts to the Lord, numerous re-commitments, and lots of folks challenged about their relationships to the earthly father and their Heavenly Father. What a privilege to serve and minister in a place where the arts are so freely expressed. There is no sense of "you can't do that...we're in a church!" at all. It's great to know there are no boundries for creativity; simply holding our work up to the Light of Truth for our Daddy to touch with His hand.

When you live in your passion, it's amazing what you'll do and the lengths you'll go to see God glorified. Tricia and I have been unsure about several things in the last couple of years. Where are we to live? Should we move? Should I look for a better job? Should we stay put? There have been many unsure days. After this weekend, many of those questions have been put to rest, at least for me. We're are here. We're not going anywhere. We're planting at CalTab and we're going to see things through to follow the "wild goose" as Eldredge calls the Holy Spirit. For anyone from CalTab who might read this, it's not like we were thinking of leaving the church or anything. We love the leadership and all God is doing. But I think we have always had a "we're here until..." mindset. We didn't "100%/burn the ships/no doubt" commit. You know, there may always be a greener pasture somewhere else. Forget the greener pastures. They may exist. But the one we're in is pretty green. We like it. Why change?

My job is the same way. Sure, it's not perfect. Name me a job that is! But I do well, I'm good at it, my boss is a Christian. My main office is 1.2 miles from my house (more on that in a second). My other office is in the town of my birth. I know lots of people there. My mom is still there. I make good money. It's not like I'm digging ditches or anything. I'll stay.

Now, the house is the thing. We bought our house in 1999, thinking it was a temporary thing. Again, we weren't necessarily staying in the area, let alone Schenectady, too long. So now, we're here. Committed to the city. OK. Now our house is too small. It needs a lot of work, which we've ignored because, again, who cares? We'll make our NEXT house nice. But this may be our next house. And our only house. We're staying in the city. But do we sell our current house for a bigger, nicer one? Or do we work on the one we have? We could add on and fix up. Tricia's brother does that sort of thing and there's a grant program with the city.

Our questions seem to have a little more permanance these days. That's cool, but scary in a new way.

What else is scary is my older daughter being 9 years old next week. She had such a great time in the play. I kissed Carissa good night last night and told her I was proud of her and she said, "Yeah, I guess acting runs in the family, huh?" Oh, boy...and Rachel's even more of a ham than her sister. Well, Rachel gets a pink guitar for Christmas, Carissa gets the keyboard.

It's about planning for the future. And the future doesn't just revolve around me. There are three little destinies under my roof (where ever that roof is!) and it's my job to refine and nurture them. Crying out loud! I'm just getting mine under control!

Well, that's life for now. I'm waiting for an evaluation, who's supposed to be coming in 30 minutes. We'll see. After yesterday and the play and church, I'm ready to go back to bed!

Uh, oh! He's gone into shut-down mode again...

2006-12-07T11:29:00.000-05:00

Not so, my friend, not so! I did, however, realize last night that it had been a couple of weeks since i've logged anything here, and longer since I've gone into any great detail. So, since I have brief break in my work day, I thought I'd put a brief catch-up post together.

If you are near the Schenectady/Albany, NY area, and would like to hear yours truly in his first singing solo in roughly 17 years, please attend "Come Home For Christmas" this weekend. It is our church's annual Christmas production and it's pretty cool. It has a strong message of salvation, music, dancing, amazing pyrotechnics...ok, I made the last one up. But it's fantastic. Our worship leader, Delray, wrote the script (with some initial brainstorming from yours truly), most of the music, and directed! And it's coming together very nicely. Also, you'll see Carissa and Rachel, my two oldest, make their stage debuts as angels! You'll be blessed! Bring a friend. Hey, you even get a free Christmas cookie during the show! That's a bargain!

I've been continuing with my Berean studies through the book of Acts. Work has, thankfully, been very busy as well. So there has been precious little time to devote to extra things. As I mentioned in an earlier post, my book is basically shelved. I just can't seem to get the direction I need to make it what I feel it should be. I may still try the screenplay route at some point. But otherwise, "On the Fritz" is on the scrap heap.

But I have been putting a little more time into songwriting. When I get a free moment, I've been jotting down lyrics and little musical ideas. They've been coming out as country songs. Sorry to all of you who hate it. But I feel like my singing and musical voice comes out country. Now, I will not wear a cowboy hat or put a gun rack in the back of my Camry. I hate NASCAR! But the way the songs flow and my vocal range limitations, country songs are pretty easy for me. Mom will be proud.

I will try to blog about the play and how it goes. If you want some challenging reading in the meantime, please check out my friend Denes' blog site under the links to the right of the page (Under the Crimson Line). He's started a well-documented study of the Word-Faith (name it and claim it, prosperity doctrine) movement. Good stuff to focus our minds on sound doctrine, which is always important.

God bless for now...

More of other guys, less of me...

2006-11-27T12:32:00.000-05:00

Hope everyone's Thanksgiving was great. Mine sure was. Two full dinners, and all the turkey soup and hot turkey sandwiches I could ever want! Who's complaining? My wife's soup rocked the house!

Anyway, with a busy week of work (including trips to Binghamton and Boston), working on my Berean classes, my re-write of my book (which seems to be going nowhere, unfortunately), and church plays - plus a thousand other things - all you get from me today is another essay from another featured writer. But I don't know of too many better than john Piper, one of my personal favorites. This was in his weekly e-mail today. Enjoy. Maybe I'll actually write something of my own soon! Yes, that's a promise, not a threat...

Do Seeker-Driven Pastors & Churches Minimize the Bible?
John Piper

I have been pondering a possible relationship between the minimizing of the Bible in so-called seeker-driven churches and in some of the radical forms of contextualization that have emerged in missions. Perhaps there isn’t any connection. But I wonder. The common denominator that I am pondering is the loss of confidence that declaring what the Bible says in the power of the Holy Spirit can create and sustain the church of Christ.

John 2:11, “This, the first of his signs, Jesus did at Cana in Galilee, and manifested his glory. And his disciples believed in him.” I bowed and prayed, “O Lord, this is how faith happens. People are given eyes to see your glory in your person and in your deeds. Please don’t let me turn away from the ministry that puts all the emphasis on the ‘gospel of the glory of Christ who is the image of God’” (2 Corinthians 4:4).

Then I was reminded of another text in John that connected the revelation of Christ’s glory to the written word of God. John 20:30-31, “Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of the disciples, which are not written in this book; but these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.” The signs that reveal the faith-awakening glory of Christ are not mainly new signs being done today, but the signs that are written in the gospels. These are written “so that you may believe.” He “manifested his glory. And his disciples believed in him.” That is the way faith comes. Jesus said that when the Holy Spirit comes “He will glorify me!” (John 16:14). Therefore we declare the fullness of the glorious Person and Work of Christ in history. That is how the church is created and sustained. It seems to me that a growing number of pastors and missionaries have lost confidence in this truth. They have concluded that the gap between the glory of Christ and the felt needs of their neighbors, or between the glory of Christ and the religion of the nationals, is simply too great for the fullness of God’s word to overcome. The upshot seems to be the minimization of the Word of God in its robust and glorious fullness."

It seems to me that a growing number of pastors and missionaries have lost confidence in this truth. They have concluded that the gap between the glory of Christ and the felt needs of their neighbors, or between the glory of Christ and the religion of the nationals, is simply too great for the fullness of God’s word to overcome. The upshot seems to be the minimization of the Word of God in its robust and glorious fullness.

This is on my front burner just now because in recent weeks I have received a steady stream of testimonies from aching saints who say in so many words, “Our pastor doesn’t proclaim to us what the Bible says and means. The messages are not revelations of the glory of Christ. They are advice-talks with a religious twist.” And then I have been reading about certain kinds of gospel contextualization in missions that seem to minimize the fullness of the biblical revelation which converts should share with others. So I have been pondering whether there are connections.

I have no desire to naively equate the cultural conglomerate of western Christianity with the true, spiritual body of Christ. I can appreciate avoiding the word “Christian” in a missions context where it signifies: degenerate, materialistic, immodest western religion. And I realize that most of the ways we “do church” are culture specific rather than biblically mandated. But there are other questions that trouble me:

1) Are the essentials of biblical faith embraced by new converts to Christ, and do they make them known in love to others? For example, do they embrace and make known that the Bible is the only inspired and infallible written revelation of God, and that Christ is God and was crucified for sin and raised from the dead above all authority?
2) Are the former religious behaviors of converts to Christ, which they may retain, communicating regularly a falsehood about what the convert means and believes?

But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God’s word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God” (2 Corinthians 4:2)?

I may be wrong about a Bible-minimizing connection between seeker-driven pastors and radically contextualizing missionaries, but it is hard not to see a loss of faith in the power of God’s Word when I hear that the Bible is not preached at home, and when I read from the frontiers: “We have little hope in our lifetime to believe for a major enough cultural, political and religious change to occur in our context such that Muslims would become open to entering Christianity on a wide scale.”

Let us pray for the Holy Spirit to come in power in our day for the sake of powerful displays of the glory of Christ in the declaration of the Word of God where those glories are revealed with infallible and converting authority.

Ministry in the 21st Century

2006-11-20T11:18:00.000-05:00

I'm including another great article by Ray Pritchard. His comment that seminary doesn't resemble how ministry is done today got me thinking about my own college experience. I only graduated in 1993. E-mail was just coming into its own then. We had INTRA-net at Plattsburgh, where you could sit on your "green screen" first generation Macs (remember those?) and send little messages to others logged on in the computer lab. We thought that was incredible. Now look at the technonlogy today. It's apples to oranges. No one had laptops then. They were not even a thought for the typical college student. Now everyone has one, and Wal-Mart will sell them this Black Friday for around $200. We do live in a different world. As Christians, we either catch up and swim, or we're going to drown in the pool of irrelevency.

As an addition, Pastor Lorenzo has some "technology in minstry" details on his web site, linked to the right of this post.

How the Internet is Changing Ministry
Ray Pritchard

I ran across two recent articles that reinforced the notion that the Internet is radically reshaping how we will do ministry in the 21st century. Brian Bill pointed out an article in CT called "What's Next: Publishing and Broadcasting." Here is the money quote:

Already, industry insiders are talking about on-demand kiosks that will print paperbacks right in bookstores within seconds. These kiosks' product lists could number into the hundreds of thousands, offering bestsellers, stand-alone book chapters, and self-published titles from authors around the globe.They also imagine broadband sites and iPod/cell-phone services that will broadcast original programming from media giants alongside YouTube-style self-productions. The old media won't die, most agree, it will just be distributed in new ways, and it will face greater competition from new technologies. Radio will confront popular podcasts; TV, viral videos; books and magazines, e-publications.

The second article deals with the decision by Desiring God Ministries to take John Piper's radio broadcast off radio altogether. Calling their approach "Radio Without Radio," they offer an impressive array of statistics to show that alternative means of media delivery are skyrocketing in popularity, offering the chance to reach huge listening audiences at a fraction of the cost of traditional radio ministry. Here are the four key words that shape their strategy for the future. Media must be:

Accessible: We want people to have convenient access to as many of our resources as possible. Our new website has been designed for this purpose.
Portable: We want our resources, whenever possible, to be in a portable format, so that you and others can read, listen, or view them where and when it's convenient for you.
Transferable: We want many resources that you can easily pass along or show to others, so that the vision of God we love together will most effectively spread.
Economical: We are pursuing strategies that we believe will be the most effective at spreading a passion for the supremacy of God, while keeping our costs and prices low.

Readers of this weblog know that I keep hammering away at this point. We're not living in the 50s or the 60s or the 70s. It occurred to me recently that the world that seminary prepared me to minister to bears almost no resemblance to the world we live in today. That's not a criticism, just an observation. When I attended seminary in the mid-70s, we were still following models that worked in the 50s and the 60s. Change on the horizon, and we sensed it was coming, but no one foresaw the cultural and technological revolution of the last fifteen years.
Frankly, I can't think of a better time to serve the Lord. We have tools for reaching the world that D. L. Moody (who died in 1899) and Bill Sunday (who died in 1935) never dreamed of. If we are going to reach our own generation, we must be at least as proactive with technology as Moody and Sunday (who were both innovators in terms of their evangelistic methods) were in their own day. By the way, lest anyone think I am advocating watering down the gospel message to somehow "make it relevant" to the post-moderns (or whatever term we're using nowadays), just check out John Piper's website. Everything he writes is saturated with strong biblical content, but his ministry in Minneapolis is also very innovative in the best sense of that term. He offers an excellent model for the rest of us to follow.

Occasionally I visit churches that seem to think that this is 1956 instead of 2006. And they wonder why they aren't reaching people. I am not calling for changing our message one iota, but in the name of Christ, for His glory, in order to follow His command to take the gospel to every nation, if we truly want to make disciples in our own day, we must let go of some things that worked well a generation ago and rethink how we do church, how we reach people, and how we harness modern technology for the sake of the gospel.

I keep saying this, and I intend to keep saying it because I believe it so deeply.

Addendum to Elton's Letter -

2006-11-15T12:58:00.000-05:00

I just want everyone to know that I have tried to e-mail the previous post to Elton directly to communicate with him. The only e-mail address I could find was to his record company in NYC. After sending the e-mail, it was put in the holding tank, then was mailer-daemoned. I tried. If anyone has Elton's phone number at the winter residence in Bermuda, please pass it along. I promise I'll only use it once. Then I'll destroy it...after I post it here...NO I WOULDN'T DO THAT!!!!!!!

An open letter to Elton John -

2006-11-13T06:12:00.000-05:00

Dear Elton -

I must admit at the outset that I'm not the biggest fan of your music. I'm more of a Billy Joel-type; though I'll admit to liking some of your late 70's-early 80's stuff. Anyway, I felt the need to write to you after reading your comments in my local newspaper this morning. I'm supposed to be working on a re-write of my book, but this topic seems to be front and center for me this morning.
According to the article, you said, "I think religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people. Religion promotes the hatred and spite against gays." You went on to say, "From my point of view, I would ban religion completely. Organized religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings, and it's not really compassionate."
As a "lemming" - a proud born-again Christian, I must say you are painting all religious people with the same broad brush that many of us paint the gay community with. You make a valid point - the "God hates fags" people ought to be ashamed of themselves. Many give gays and lesbians blind hatred and dismiss them altogether, as religious folks have done through the centuries to those they do not understand. There is intolerance, especially in the Christian church. By that, I do not mean acceptance of a lifestyle (for, no matter how we slice this, homosexuality to those who believe what the church has taught from the beginning is sinful, immoral behavior. This is not a forum to argue that topic, which could go on for days), but acceptance of a person. We should never turn anyone away from the doors of our churches, no matter what. Some feel it's just more comfortable to only deal with "our kind". It takes all the risk away.
But I see your statements as having the same basis in reality as some religious peoples' comments. Especially your idea that religion isn't compassionate. Oh, no? Who started hospitals? Christians. Who created the first schools? Christians. What group of people has workers in nearly every country on earth to help the poor, orphaned and widows? Christians? Who give BILLIONS of dollars every year to see this work goes forth? Christians. Mother Theresa? Not commpassionate? Ish!
Forget the "big names". I'd love to have you come visit my church the next time you're in the Albany, NY area on tour. I know my pastor, Lorenzo Agnes, would love to show you around our community outreach, the Haven. When we built our new sanctuary, we converted the old one into a gym/learning center. Kids come from all around to play basketball, get tutoring and find a safe place to be, off the streets. Why? Because we're in the area and it's our mandate as Christians to do it.
Hopefully, Sandy Lawyer will be home from South Africa, and you could meet her. In her retirement, she decided to go to Africa to help the widows and those dealing with HIV/AIDS. She goes door-to-door, loving each person and meeting their needs. Compassion? Meet George Snyman, the man who runs Hands @ Work in South Africa. His level of service for people is of a kind I have never seen.
My pastor left yesterday for Bulgaria, to minister at a leader's conference. We're connected to a large group of Christians, most of whom have either come out of orphanges or work with them. Our church has committed to seeing these kids grow in all ways, turning them into people who will change the culture of a nation.
Our church has a large group of people in Nuevo Laredo, Texas even as we speak, meeting several needs for a small orphange and church there.
I could even tell you of the girl several years ago in our church who wanted to work with the children in the nursery. She was HIV positive. Our church allowed her to serve, with the obvious precautions. Because she's not a leper. She deserves a place in the church. You know why her story is important? Because it's true. And because I don't even know the girl's name. My pastor mentioned it one Sunday in passing, as if to say, "Of course we let her serve. Are you crazy?"
I could go on and on about work going on in our church. And there are countless thousands of churches all across the United States and the world who work this way. Why? Because we take our beliefs seriously. And if we really live what we say we believe, it's going to radically effect the way we live our lives and what we do. We're not about putting our faces on TV or being commended for all we've done. We believe the treasure waits in Heaven. It's really not about the reward anyway. Compassionate service springs from the notion that we have been blessed beyond our ability to grasp it. We must give as we have received. I'm not just speaking of Christians, though I can only speak intelligently of my religious culture. Other faiths do great compassionate work, I'm sure, for which they simply want to help. They are to be commended for that.
I have found that it is nearly impossible to make blanket statements about groups of people. Because they are rarely, if ever, true. I find your statements about religious folks like that. You cannot justify your comments for all who hold to a faith-based belief system. Your ignorance is just as shameful as the ignorance on my side.
My invitation is open to visit to meet with me and folks from my church. I'd love to show you how compassion works and how 'narrow-minded' folks actually live. I think we'd both be surprised.

Thank you for reading this letter. I hope it finds you well.

Cordially,

Darren

A necessary apology -

2006-11-10T19:59:00.001-05:00

It was brought to my attention tonight that information that was posted in a prior article here on my blog site was hurtful and damaging to a relationship I have with certain brothers in the Lord. It is never my intention to smear people or to let personal issues become public fodder. I screwed up and spit out stuff that should have been kept private.

I ask those who were offended for forgiveness. I am truly sorry for letting, possibly, the whole world know what was going on between the three of us. I guess I forgot that, in reality, people really do read this stuff. And I am responsible for what is written here.

I have deleted that section of the article from the site, never to be seen again. And I will surely be more careful about the things that are posted here. We can speak our minds and have concrete opinions. But not when they cross the line into bad taste or, in my case, closed-door issues.

Again, I ask those who were hurt for forgiveness. You got me. I blew it.

Let me qualify my last post, with another radio guy's comments...

2006-11-08T21:46:00.000-05:00

In listening to even more talk radio tonight (I'm a glutton for punishment, no?) I heard Michael Savage - typically out of control and unlistenable - said something interesting.

I commented how most Republicans lost and how it seems like people are rejecting the conservative message as expounded upon by Rush and Hannity, etc. Well, Savage pointed out that many conservative referendums passed - limiting affirmative action in Michigan, parental notification law in California, several same-sex marriage bills. Even in states where Republican senators or Congress seats were won by Democrats, conservative ballot initiatives won. What do we make of all this? It seems to be the classic "throw the bums out" mentality.

Conservatives have watered down Reagan's message. They spend too much, they're weak on border enforcement, they mostly sound like Democrats. Maybe the American people are very smart and more conservative than we think. They are craving someone to stand up and unashamedly say, "I'm a conservative". Maybe Rush is right. A candidate who doesn't compromise on thier right-wing beliefs would actually win!

Savage says it was a moratorium on Iraq. I can see that, especially now that Rumsfeld got the ax. But I don't know if I'd do anything different. What DO you do? No one else I've heard today has a better idea than what's currently happening. If there seems to be a better idea well, by all means, do it!

It will be interesting to see what the Democrats come up with. Maybe the charge will be led by new congress-chick Kirsten Gillibrand...man, why do I have to take a dump everytime I say her name? Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now...

Limbaugh and Hannity - shut the %$!@#% up!

2006-11-08T15:13:00.000-05:00

What? Has he completely lost his mind? Has passion and belief in Kirsten Gillibrand's congressional campaign overtaken Mr. True Heart Times? Hardly...

I spend quite a bit of time listening to political talk radio. I'm not a die-hard; it does get a little tiring after a while. But I'm thinking all of these guys have jumped the shark. They're becoming irrelevant. At least their constant badgering of the listener is growing tiresome.

Here's why I say this - All of these national guys (Rush, Hannity, Glenn Beck, et al) are listened to by countless millions of people every day. They are on the most listened to radio stations in the country. Their books go to #1 on the best sellers' list. They all are vitriolic - the nation skews conservative. They have been beating the Democrats up for months and years. I can't tell you how many times I heard Sean Hannity say, "The thought of Nancy Pelosi as the Speaker of the House ought to scare you.". Well, it does scare me. But apparently, it doesn't scare enough people, since beginning Jan. 1, she will be. With all of the listeners they have, all of the power they supposedly possess, all of the campaigning they did for their "buddies", most every conservative that ran for office lost! But how can that be, guys? If so many of your listeners were motivated enough to go to the polls, wouldn't there be enough votes across the nation for the "good guys" to win? It just seems odd to me that despite all of the venom they shot at the Democrats, they still came out and won.

Of course, with the Senate apparently 51-49 and the House swinging just a couple of Reps to the Democrats, it's hardly a "national mandate". The left cannot claim some kind of completely victory. But Santorum, Allen (who I thought had a shot for President in '08), John Sweeney (more on him later), and so many others losing, we need to re-evaluate the effect talk radio has on the political process.

John Sweeney's seat was fought for by Kirsten Gillibrand, a political newcomer. They didn't debate, and the ads that were slung back and forth between them were disgusting on both ends. I still haven't heard Kirsten...

I'm sorry, let me give and aside here. I can't deal with
the fact that we have a local congress-ette named
"Kirsten". It's like my lawyer being named "Barbie".
Anyway...

I still haven't hear Kirsten (ick) talk for more than 30 seconds in an ad. I don't really even know if there IS a Kirsten Gillibrand. I contest she's just a New York City actress paid to stand in for Bill Clinton, who's really running the show. I know, lots of anger. But here's my point - and I do have one - Paul Vandenburgh is the #1 talk morning host in Albany. He's a conservative and, to be fair, a friend of John Sweeney. But on Election Day, Paul was on the air telling all his listeners to go and vote for Sweeney. He'd been doing that for weeks, months! And you know what? Even the #1 guy in the market couldn't get the people to re-elect a three term Congressman who's done great things. Evil commercials, nasty politics, a little Bill Clinton and WHAM! you can win the election. Congress-chick Kirsten (bleck) Gillibrand.

I am not saying we should give liberals the benefit of the doubt. They are going to raise my taxes, allow same-sex marriage, abortions all over the place, investigations and impeachement proceedings, and anti-Christian bigotry. That's not conjecture; that's from their own press conferences today.

But now the right-wing talk show hosts are spinning so fast they're going to toss their cookies. Rush says he feels liberated. At least Hannity was giving examples of how the right messed it up. But Sean kept saying, "Don't let your heart be troubled.". Kind of like Kevin Bacon in "Animal House" - he kept saying "All is Well!" as he gets trampled by the thundering horde. Clueless. We also have to thank the guy in Colorado who outed Ted Haggard last week. That didn't help either.

I think talk radio needs to re-evaluate its message. Yesterday proved most talk radio hosts are screaming and yelling and carrying on and many are listening, but it seems they're losing ground. More and more are drifting away from the party line. Has their brand of talk radio crossed too much into entertainment? With situations like the Michael J. Fox controversy, did Rush BECOME the news instead of commenting on it? Were people turned off by that? I think time will tell on many of these issues.

I know that as I grow in Christ, and get more involved in social action at my church, I'm finding myself not as right-wing as I thought I was. Jesus was not a Republican, remember! Christians can't just buy everything the Republicans feed them. As my pastor said on Sunday, "Don't vote as a Republican, Democrat, Green, Yellow, Purple, ETC., vote as a resident of the Kingdom of God." I did. ALL of those I voted for last night lost. But His Kingdom is not of this world. Should I expect any less than all of my preferences going down?

It will be an interesting two years. Kirsten...Ugh! I think I'm going to be sick...

OK, so I wrote this book last year...

2006-11-05T21:21:00.000-05:00

It was called On the Fritz. It was the story of a successful pastor, Steven Hassmann, who seemingly had it all - a large, influential church, a beautiful wife and daughter, a strong marriage. And now, the latest and greatest: he's been hand-picked to be the new President of the National Evangelical Union, the largest Christian organization of its kind. Nothing could be better, right? Except the fact that Steven has had a sexual addiction since high school.
He tried to keep it all under wraps. The mountain of dirty magazines he'd collected. The on-going relationship with a prostitute while at seminary. The random encounters he'd line up while traveling the country "preaching the good news". Rev. Hassmann's double life is found out at the worst possible time for himself and the organization. He is stripped of his pastorate and his title and goes into seclusion. The rest of the book details what happens next - hitting rock bottom and the healing that comes as a result.

Sound vaguely familiar? I was stunned when I read of Ted Haggard's mess Friday morning. 24 hours later, and he's a goner. He never admitted to having sex with the massage guy, but it's obvious what he was doing was out of bounds and he needed to be punished for it.

I'm angry that Haggard was doing all this. That he was so loose with his personal issues. I'm angry that no one around him saw the signs or, if they did, had the stones to say something. I'm angry for the political opportunism that is so apparent in all this. I'm angry for trash blogs like the one at (no surprise) the San Francisco Chronicle, who accuse Haggard of everything from male gang sex to beastiality, profaning the name of Jesus in the process. I'm angry that Christians now will have to answer all the Jim Bakker/Jimmy Swaggart/et al questions again.
I'm angry that most Christians won't be able to come up with a suitable answer to the world's blistering critiques. I'm angry that even this won't wake up most men who are bound up by sexual addiction, and they'll stay locked away in their closets, convinced no one will ever know.

Proverbs 26:24-26 says, "A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit. Though his speech is charming, do not believe him, for seven abominations fill his heart. His malice may be concealed by deception, but his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.". Remember Moses' famous line, "Be sure your sin will find you out" (Numbers 32:23). NO ONE can get away with sin forever. If there is hypocrisy, it will be exposed. Set up as much Teflon around you as you want to, it doesn't matter. Light will shine on you sooner or later. I tried to hide my sex addiction for years. No one needs to know that. I can be on the radio, preach in churches, expect to pastor a church even! All with the core of my being rotting away from unrepentant sin. I confessed to my wife, my pastors, the guys at GFF. I found freedom. Am I 100% yet? No way. I still struggle daily. I'm finding it easier, little by little, to not let my eyes wander. I check lust on a minute by minute basis. I'm doing much better.

But why am I where I am now? Because I confessed it! I spoke it out to many people. I broke the agreement with the enemy. Psalm 32 is a beautiful account of David confessing sin to the Lord. Verses 3 and 4 says, "When I kept silent (did not confess my sin), my bones wasted away...your hand was heavy on me...my stength was sapped". It's obvious unspoken sin was taking its toll on David. What happens in the physical realm when we have a disease inside us, like cancer, that we don't treat? It destroys us. Sin does the exact same thing. Thanks to Jesus taking our sin, we no longer have to bear the weight of it. It's not like we could BEFORE the cross either. But they had the sacrifices to at least give them some semblance of hope. Now we can lay all our burdens on Jesus. The trouble is, we still have pride and think we can save ourselves. Even Christians I have heard talk about how they need to just "toughen up and get back in the Word" to get rid of sin. News flash for you all: No works you do will get rid of your sin. Pray all you want for healing and freedom, change jobs, go to church eight days a week. You'll still be tempted.

What does it take? First, it's trust that Jesus is who He said He was. If He came to save His people from their sins, that means every last one of them is forgiven. There is no "back room" where you hide all the really nasty ones. Even if there were, He'd know about it and want you to confess it anyway. Second, it's confessing the sin. 1 John 1:9 is good here, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.". The next portion of Psalm 32 is also good, "Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity....and you forgave the guilt of my sin." (v. 5). Third, it's like the woman Jesus caught in adultery - "Go and sin no more (John 8:11)" - we need to turn away from the sin. Not in a self-effectuating sort of "I'm tougher than my sin and I can beat it", but a humble, innocent, "I'm going to strive after Jesus with all I have. I'm sorry, I don't have time for my sin any more".

All that to say this: Ted Haggard made some GIGANTIC mistakes, which he'll never get back. If his mindset is as mine was two years ago, he never wanted to hurt anyone, never wanted to destroy a church and a national movement. But here he is. God has forgiven him, we can too (though it will be in stages for some). We prayed for him and his family in church this morning. I realized this morning how utterly desperate I am for His grace. As good as he's been in the last 17 years, even just today! there were untold numbers of times that I've turned around and spit at Jesus as I disobeyed and sinned. But yet He still forgives. He's still faithful. No matter how far away the person has gone, Jesus ALWAYS takes us back. He has taken Ted back. No questions asked.

If you are reading this and you've never asked for His forgiveness, you need to do it now. You know now, the Holy Spirit is convicting you, that what you've been doing is wrong and you have no way to clean your soul on your own. Jesus will do it for you. He already has, by dying that substitutionary death on the cross. Don't listen to what some may say, "God isn't real. The church is playing a game. They're all hypocrites". I dare you, look into my life. You know what you'll find? I am saved by grace, and this not of myself, it is the gift of God. Jesus never asked us to be perfect. He wants us to be holy, set apart.

May Ted Haggard and his family find hope, support, peace and privacy during this tough moment.

"Have You Been to Jail for Justice?"

2006-11-04T22:15:00.000-05:00

I got a couple of comp tickets to see Peter, Paul and Mary last night. I thought it would be a nice date night for me and Carissa, my eight year old. You know, "Puff the Magic Dragon" and all that. In my naivete, I said to my wife over dinner last night, "Boy, I hope they don't spend all night ranting and raving about politics." I wouldn't call it ranting and raving - more like a constant dull whine. The kind you get in your car. But instead of fixing it, you just push the car over a cliff to put it out of its misery. After nearly two and a half hours, I was just about ready to gauge my eyes out with a spoon.

Let's see, which part was the wackiest: the two blatant references to accepting the gay/lesbian lifestyle, the equating of rejecting illegal immigrants to "bigotry" (in a song, appropriately named "Hey Mr. Bigot"), the speech Mary gave where she got a stem cell transplant for her leukemia but they "weren't the type the President hates"; then she considered reversing the procedure if she found out her stem cell donor was a Republican. Then there's the song that spawned the title of this entry, "Have You Been to Jail for Justice", an obvious 60's hold over. There's just something odd about seeing Mary violently shaking her cane at the audience, yelling, "SEND 'EM ALL TO JAIL!!!!" as if she's yelling for the neighborhood punks to get off her lawn.

Average age of the audience: 55
Average number of conservatives present: 1

Several thoughts went through my head as I sat being "entertained" -

First, if I attempted to yell, "Shut up and sing!", I wouldn't been hurled from the balcony. So I sat there and took it like a man. Speaking of men...

There were supposed to be two men singing on stage. I couldn't find them. Peter Yarrow and Noel Paul Stookey are nice guys. Sweet, kind, compassionate, thoughtful. They're Mr. Rogers! I kept thinking, in true Wild at Heart fashion, "They may be heroes, famous for their protest songs; but I wouldn't want them to be my dad. I wouldn't want to be like them." They're soft, almost feminine. It's all about emotion to them. There is no realism, no facts. Just love one another, be tolerant and compassionate, and everything will be OK. They may be bold, but it's the boldness you would see from a woman. It's no wonder gender roles are blurred in their politics - they seem rather confused themselves.

I also considered the weight of their message. They advocate harmony and working together. All that "This Land is Your Land/If I Had A Hammer/We Shall Overcome" business. But they are so antagonistic to anyone who doesn't agree with them. If I, as a Christian who is a conservative, told them I work to reduce poverty and bring equality to the inner city, but only by using a Gospel-centered program, they'd ridicule me, call me intolerant and narrow-minded. It's only inclusive if it includes everyone who thinks like them.

Lastly, I was struck by the lengths they would go to stand up for ca-ca politics and dogma. I was seeing images of myself standing up for the cause of Christ, press conferences, books, speeches, confrontation, etc. "Have I Been to Jail for Justice?" No. And I'm ashamed by that. Not that I have been thrown in jail for my faith. But do I live so that all would know what I beleive from day one? Do I witness for Him when it's convenient, or when someone needs to hear? What legnths would I go to proclaim that He Lives, He has His being in us. We need to move on the offensive, beat back the darkness. Would we stand on the corner and protest if the government tried to take our religious freedoms away? Risk losing our jobs, our homes, etc.

This week's Today's Pentecostal Evangel magazine details the plight of the persecuted church around the world. Some of the stories will make you sick. Blatant human rights violations. Now, the Peter, Paul and Marys of the world will defend these foreigners right to religious freedom (at least I hope so, or we're in bigger trouble than I thought) overseas, but will attempt to pass laws to shut Christians up here! They will stand and sing pseudo-spirituals, but approve of a school denying a Christian student the right to pray in school. Shouldn't the children of the sixties be so open-minded, that ALL ideas would have equal value in the marketplace. But there is something they hate about the cross. And those who follow Him. We're narrow-minded, intolerant. We deserve no place in the public square.

I think it's going to take a new Martin Luther King, Jr. in our generation. Someone with the stones to face all the onslaught of the lefties and come out smelling sweet. Only a God-anointed person could do that. I'd get chewed up in three seconds. But God has a man, I know it. We almost need to create a new protest streak. Amazingly enough, the last one is now in power in many places. And they rule by fear an intimidation, the very thing they accused their parents' generation of. It's truly amazing to see how they've become what they once feared.

Well, I've sufficiently washed all the liberalism off. At least all Carissa remembers is "Puff" and stopping by the gift shop and getting a new Beany Baby. Thankfully, she's too young to be brainwashed. I can't say the same for the more than 2,000 who were there with me.

I also want to tackle the Ted Haggard mess. As one who wrote (what is now slightly prophetic) On the Fritz, the story of a pastor who is dismissed from his church based on sexual allegations, I think I offer a fresh perspective on it all. Hopefully, tomorrow. If not, soon. You'll see...

What We Need is a Change of Heart...

2006-10-30T13:57:00.000-05:00

Here goes Darren, treading into the stormy sea of tithing and giving. But I read this article today, and it hits some pretty good points. I still can't believe the figure that the average church goer only gives about 2.5% to the church.

I'm not necessarily a "10% at all costs" kind of guy. When we were having financial struggles earlier this year, we didn't give for three weeks. It was either tithe or eat. Sorry, we ate! But when we have, we give 10%. Period. I feel my pastors and my church are worth it, especially as they endeavor to reach the world with the Gospel. It takes money to do this, and I put my wallet where my faith is. I enjoy giving. And we've seen God pull us out of crazy situations, because of our mindset that the money really isn't ours to begin with.

See what I mean? This can go around forever. Read what Dr. Dean has to say. Leave comments if you are so inclined...

Membership Up, Giving Down: What's the Heart of the Problem?
Dr. Paul Dean

As an expository preacher who generally preaches verse by verse through bible books, I typically preach on giving or tithing when it's in the text; and that means rarely. The heretical health and wealth gospel is a blight on the bride of Christ and the scandalous "sow your monetary seed" preaching that is propagated in a variety of circles must be eschewed by every man of God who is called to herald the glorious gospel of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ. Yet, the issue of giving is of import in terms of both gospel advance and individual Christian commitment.

Citing the Washington Times, Monday Morning Insight noted that "church members continue to give less of their income to churches despite increases in membership." Church members gave only 2.56 percent of their income in 2004. "The study also found more than 85 percent of contributions to churches funded the general operations of the local congregation, while about 15 percent went toward 'benevolence,' which was defined as for "the broader mission of the church, beyond the local congregation."

Sylvia Ronsvalle, co-author of the study, raises a few questions: "Has the church lost its vision? Is the church turning into a club, or does the church see itself as salt?" She further noted a correlation between a decrease in giving and an increase in income. "When everyone was poor, you obviously gave. You knew that your kids were one step away from it. When we all started getting comfortable in this world... ministers found that people weren't so excited hearing about the poor." At the same time, she asserted that the issue is a question of leadership. "Who can galvanize people to say, 'We don't want to live in a world where people are dying?'"

Surely Ronsvalle is on to something when she speaks of the church losing its vision and turning into a club of sorts. So often the church is a social outlet for those who can't afford the local country club. For others, it's a place not unlike the local chamber of commerce where folk can network. All but lost is the notion, let alone the commitment to the reality, that the church is the body of Christ in the world and her members gather to worship and scatter to evangelize.

At the same time, if persons formerly gave to the poor out of a realization or fear that their own children were one step away from poverty, their motivation was all wrong. Biblical giving is not grounded in a focus on oneself. Giving that honors God is motivated by a desire to see Him glorified. Love for others is certainly involved but even that dynamic is grounded in a desire for Him to be praised by others. God has a heart for others and those who long to see Him exalted among the nations will have His heart. If Dr. Piper will allow me some license, love is most exemplified in us when we see to it that God is most glorified in others.

The Lord Jesus Himself said, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Luke 12:34). As always, to borrow from Henry Brandt, "the heart of the problem is a problem with the heart." Christians in America seem to have a lot of treasure but precious little of it is in the form of kingdom advance, others orientation, or the propagation of God's glory. To translate the Lord Jesus, people are committed to what they love. When it comes to giving, in the end, we don't need a vision, a fear of poverty, or better leadership. What we need is a change of heart.

Congratulate me! OK, just humor me and applaud or something...

2006-10-28T22:50:00.000-04:00

Because I posted earlier this week that I was abandoning my efforts to write the Great American novel a second time during NaNoWriMo to get back into my Berean School studies. Well, I have moved out in my efforts to finish my classes. This morning, I woke up early and not only finished all the essays I needed to submit (all seven pages of them, plus a reference list. I haven't done bibliography work in 14 years!), but I had enough time, I decided to take the final exam, too. Drum roll, please...

I got a 90% on the test! Hallelujah! I won't know on the essays for a few days, but I'm confident they're good. So, two classes down. Next up is a survey class in the book of Acts. From there, it's on to hermeneutics, ethics in ministry and other classes in level one. Then, levels two and three. From there, who knows? Stay faithful and let God lead. Don't get too far ahead, but don't sit back and wait for Him to do everything, either.

That's all for now. I'm going to take advantage of the extra hour of sleep tonight and go now. So, the clock actually says 11 pm, but it's really 10 pm. A clock is a confusing thing to me on a regular day. How the stink am I supposed to navigate this now? Maybe Berean will have a class on clock management. Of course it will never start on time. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Oh, that was good. WHEW! I'm exhausted now. See ya...

Fast food nirvana (not Heaven, it'll be better there. However...)

2006-10-27T15:03:00.000-04:00

I was born in Cobleskill, New York and, thanks to my job with Hear For You, I get to work down there one or two days a week. My schedule during the day typically means I'm seeing patients all day and I have to run back to Rotterdam (approx. 30 miles) to file my reports and order any hearing aids. So I end up eating fast food for lunch. Now, I'm a very knowledgeable junk food eater. I remember my first Whopper (age 6, brought home by my mom. Ate it in her bedroom watching TV. I think I ate the whole thing, too.). The McRib sandwich was a big hit when I was young, too. Then, I expanded my options when I went to college - Subway, Taco Bell, Wendy's among others.
But there is something about fast food in Cobleskill. I'm not sure why, but the end result you get in the bag is just...better! It tastes better. It's cooked and fresh, nice and warm. I've had many cheeseburgers at the Mickey D's and they just don't taste the same as they do anywhere else. Just the right amount of ketchup, mustard and fake onions.
Then it happened today (which is why I'm taking time out of my day to post this). I went to Arby's in Cobleskill and had a Reuben sandwich combo. Now, Arby's is a little different. You get what amounts to "real food", no junky burgers. But at the Arby's in Rotterdam, the Reuben was thin, a skimpy slab of corned beef. Cold. Small. Ick. Especially when they're asking almost 7 dollars for it. But today - it all changed! I opened up the Reuben today...whoa! 3/4 inch of beef, loads of sauerkraut, just right temperature. The curly fries? Not too crispy, full container of fries. And I always ask for a soda with no ice. The cup was FULL! They didn't cheat me because of not having ice! I was so happy after I ate. Fat, bloated, and happy.

Yep, I eat too much fast food. But I can't imagine if I lived in Cobleskill. I'd be 650 pounds by now. And let's not get into the pizza I had at Little Law's on Main Street a few weeks ago while my family visited my mom's house...wonderful thin crust style!

That's my rambling for today. I need a nap...

A note on my writing and a note on someone else's...

2006-10-25T17:41:00.000-04:00

Hey, there! After a few days of musing, I have decided to table my efforts to write my second NaNoWriMo novel. I'm not giving up writing or anything. It's just in the last couple of days I've been led to other things. Back about a year ago, some of you may remember I started taking correspondance classes through Berean School of the Bible, an A/G program. Well, I breezed through my Intro to Pentecostal Doctrine class - got a 96 final average! Then I hit the second class on the Synoptic gospels. I'm not really sure what happened or how I got derailed, but I never finished. And the books kind of sat on my desk. I'd move them, look at them. Wonder where the excitement went. Put them down. Sigh. Walk away.
But this week, a lot has happened. Tricia and I were seriously considering ditching everything here and moving to Missouri so I could enroll at A/G Seminary. I'd quit my job, we'd sell the house, the whole enchilada. Life and people and situations and the threat of Governor Eliot Spitzer were all beating down on me and I figured it was just time to go. Tricia wasn't excited about it, but I really didn't think there was any other option. We've been hearing all these messages in church about leaving all, giving everything, going to the ends of the Earth. So it seemed like confirmation. Those books kept looking at me funny. Like I had the answer sitting in front of me and I was "too spiritual" to see it.
Then, I get an odd out-of-nowhere vote of confidence at work. Then an informational meeting is happening in two weeks about overseas adoption. Then we realize our church family is more important to us than we could've imagined. Little by little, those books are starting to speak..."Remember us? We're part of the plan. Study to show yourself approved!"
So it doesn't make all the sense in the world, but we're staying put. I'm still working for Hear For You. We're still at Calvary Tabernacle. We're letting our roots grow down and we're going to enjoy the journey. We're considering adoption. My son. Ministry? I've got a lot to learn. I'm not ready for the responsibility yet. God's not done on this "threshing floor" journey He's taking me/us on.
Something's going to happen in February. It's just an impression the Lord gave me months ago. Not sure what, but something. Stay tuned on that...
Oh, and that brings me back to NaNoWriMo. If I'm going to devote time to my classes (polish off the Synoptic Gospels class, go through the Book of Acts, then it's on to hermeneutics!) I need to put off other things for now. So no NaNoWriMo. Tricia's going to do it, though! I should set her up with a blog so she can post her stuff, too. Fifty bucks says she gets to 50,000 words!

Anyhow, that was my writing. Now for someone else's...go to www.jakecolsen.com. You will find there an intriguing book, "So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore?" written for the skeptic and searcher in all of us. It's posted on-line, so you don't even have to spend money and buy a book that will sit on your shelf and collect dust! I read the first chapter and was blown away by the down-to-earth style and refreshing honesty by the author(s). If you have a chance, check it out. And pass the link on...

Did you ever feel like everyone's ganging up on you?

2006-10-22T21:30:00.000-04:00

I know I have recently. I don't know who originally said it, but I heard it first in a Billy Crockett song - "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they really aren't out to get you". Sometimes, that rings true. You just feel like you can do nothing right. You can't please anyone. You can't even breathe correctly without someone getting offended. In the last few weeks, I've had five separate occasions (two work, three personal) where conversations or circumstances just kind of spiraled out of control. Getting blamed for things I didn't do and had no control over. Being confronted over the stupidest stuff.
Now, if you know me, you know I'm typically "the nice guy". I'm easy going, friendly. I rarely start a fight. Why? Everything's cool. The problem with that is that if something bad does happen to you, and you need to stand up for yourself or defend a position, you can't. You don't know how. That's been my problem throughout my life. I'm always afraid if I'm pushed over the edge, I can't trust myself with my response. I may get violent, irrational. Ungodly. Or, I'll make a snap decision that I'll pay for years down the line. In turn, I bottle up my anger and rage. It simmers somewhere under the surface, just below a boil. Then, when acted upon, it fires up to nine billion degrees. That's why a little spilled milk by a child can lead to punching a hole in the wall. A man doesn't have a rage problem. It's no problem - he's GOOD at it. The problem is the outlet. Learning how to stand up, with self-control, and defend your position with righteousness.
Now, of course, this doesn't mean you should get into petty arguments with everyone you disagree with. Scripture warns us to put aside petty squabbles. And, if you are really wrong, it doesn't mean you should try to win a battle of persuasion to make people think you're right. If you're wrong, bend over and take it like a man!
Example - I do a monthly in-service at a retirement home where I check people's hearing. This past month, out of four appointments I had, the care staff at the facility only brought one down to my exam room on time. Very frustrating. One of them was taken to lunch! In finding this out, I told the staff to make sure she hurries up, and I'll see her when she's done shoveling her food down. Well, it was more than an hour later and I was already into my next appointment, and the lunch-eating lady winds up at my door. Nothing I can do. She'll have to reschedule.
The activities coordinator comes into my room a few minutes later. I think she's ready to apologize for the mix-ups. No, she's in the room to blame ME for the problem. "This is your problem, because you told her to eat lunch first. You never should just change the schedule. You should talk to the staff first.". She's talking to me like I'm seven years old. And ignoring the fact that it was HER staff that brought her to lunch instead of my office in the first place. But, here I am, sitting in the principal's office after throwing spit wods at Pauline Zanger (obscure 6th grade reference). It's hard enough to be spoken to like that, but (and this is going to sound sexist) when a woman does it, it's even worse. It's like you're getting your testicles ripped off. That alone can stir up great amounts of anger, not to mention the false accusations.
So, what do you do? Well, the religious left-wing progressives would say, "It's simple. Turn the other cheek." Excuse me? "Sure, Jesus faced all sorts of accusations, but he never got angry at anyone. So we should not get angry at anyone, no matter how wrongly they treat us.". Really? So, in Luke 12, when Jesus is scolded by the Pharisees for healing the woman on the Sabbath and he stares them down and calls them hypocrites, then in the next chapter calls the Chief Priest an "old fox", then later in Matthew's gospel brings down the seven woes upon the religious leaders in a tone that is just dripping with venom, and I haven't even mentioned those famous temple tables yet...this is "turning the other cheek"? Eldredge wrote about this in Wild at Heart -

"We have really misused that verse. You cannot teach a boy how to use his strength by stripping him of it. Jesus was able to retaliate, believe me. But He chose not to. And yet we suggest (my note: in reference to playground bullies, of whom I always ran away from, never standing my ground) that a boy who is mocked, shamed before his fellows, stripped of all power and dignity should stay in that place because Jesus wants him there? You will emasculate him for life. From that point on all will be passive and fearful. He will grow up never knowing how to stand his ground, never knowing if he is a man indeed. Oh yes, he will be courteous, sweet even, deferential, minding all his manners. It may look moral, it may look like turning the other cheek, but it is merely weakness. You cannot turn a cheek you do not have. Our churches are full of such men." (p. 79)

Like I told Delray, my worship leader and pastor's wife, "God is teaching me not to curl up and be abused. If I get spit at, I need to know I can stand up and spit back." Now, again, I must be on the side of truth and righteousness. And I'm not advocating being a Spirit-filled vigilante. But we have the right not to be spoken to condescendingly, especially by the world. DOUBLE ESPECIALLY by other Christians. We can speak up and say, "That is wrong!" and not be labeled judgmental.
Paul said in Ephesians, "Be angry, but do not sin". There is nothing wrong with anger in and of itself. It is a God-given emotion. Anger motivates. Anger makes us seek justice for the wronged. Anger is a passionate tool. But you don't throw out the tool because the one who wields it does so inappropriately. You give it to the craftsman. A knife can perform surgery or it can kill. Pick the person you want to execute the right one.
So, what did I do with that annoying lady? I refused to agree with her. That would give her power. The conclusion she was coming to was wrong. She should not be made to win. So, in as calm a voice as I could, I repeatedly told her my point of view. As she got angrier (because I was not just kneeling down and submitting, like her employees probably do), I kept repeating her statements back to her. When she would make a blind accusation, I would say, "So what you're saying is...". Two reasons: first, maybe she'll actually hear how crazy some of her proposals were and second, so I was sure I was hearing what I was actually hearing. A lot of times, we'll get into arguments with people over miscommunication. Asking the other person what they meant on the spot resolves that. And it also helps in the final step - this week, my boss and I and her boss will be meeting to discuss the situation. Hopefully, if this is a trend, she'll be reprimanded for it. My job is not to punish. It's simply to speak the truth. And I will.
I've always run from confrontation. Don't return a phone call. Don't answer an e-mail. Avoid it. Ignore it. Maybe it'll go away. But God is pulling me out of my comfort zone. He's forcing me to live from the strength He's placed there. Don't be afraid of it. It's the passion that can get a lot of things done. But it's wild now, like a stallion. There's danger, but there's a fierceness to it, too. We need to practice controlling our anger and hostility, so that when we are provoked, we are able to speak the truth without crushing someone's skull. That'd be baaaaad.
Actually, I just thought of another work issue I need to address tomorrow. I think everyone...EVERYONE...is really out to get me. At least I know I trust in the strength He supplies. Bring it on, puppy! Bring it on!

Food for Christian thought for a Thursday...

2006-10-19T09:56:00.000-04:00

All credit to my pal Pastor Denes who posted a link to this article on his Crimson Line blog -

http://ncregister.com/site/article/242/

Look past the fact that it's on a Catholic web site. Does that automatically mean it's rubbish? Not in this case. For us "Wild at Heart" men, the article speaks volumes.

"It is only when the human person takes his place as the redeemed creature God made him that we begin to truly see his face and know his name." The new name! Right! And elsewhere, "That is what sin is: a betrayal of who we are, not a revelation of who we are.".

Brilliant stuff. And it's only part one of three. Stay tuned...

I've got to be out of my mind!

2006-10-19T05:18:00.000-04:00

I said I wasn't going to do it. I told myself that last year was a fluke, a year of destiny never to be repeated. I was standing strong, dedicated, determined. My past was behind me. My future staring me in the face...

I am not doing National Novel Writing Month this year. What, have I got a death wish or something?

Sure, it was exciting last November. The fact that this wierdo actually got through a 50,000 word book in less than 30 days is amazing (I still have my winner's certificate and my picture of the word count saying 50,000 words, but I've yet to frame them). I count it as one of the truly awesome events of my whole life. I set out to do something that was, as Kevin Costner puts it in Field of Dreams, "highly illogical". And I actually followed through and did it! My book, On the Fritz, is really quite a good story. Truth be told, it's not really finished in the "God did it all in six days and then rested and declared it all good" kind of finished. It has a great beginning and a superb ending. The middle is still a little off. I actually re-visited it mid-summer to redo the middle. I expanded it a bit and thought it would work, but it didn't. It's actually a tad longer now. Probably close to 52,000 now. But it's still not really "done". I also thought of turning it into a screenplay. There's about 15 or 16 pages of that on my hard drive, though it's really not good. I probably would need another set of eyes to do that.

I was awoken this morning at 5. Nablina's purring (not to mention a thrilling view of her "pinkhole") first caught my attention. Then, Rachel's bony little foot kicking me in the stomach added to my anxiety and startled emotional state. But as I lay in random states of conciousness, a thought crossed my mind:

Go downstairs. Log on to nanowrimo.org. Sign up to participate. Write another book. Call it Declan Rummel's Dark Ride. Do it. Don't be a puss.

I know, that's a lot to get all at once. What can I say? Dinner must've been very spicy last night. But I'm trying to listen to the odd thought more and more these days. Anyone can walk through life and not do the "odd thought". What fun is that? Where's the adventure? The risk? Now, obviously, I'm not going to just do something freaky for the sake of being on display. But there are so many things I want to do during the rest of the time I have here on earth. I want to preach and teach the Word of God. I want to publish a book or have a movie made of a screenplay I write. I want to write a song that people use to worship God. I want to go to a baseball fantasy camp. I want to drive a new car - just once. I want to go to Australia. Even with my "Don't ask yourself what the world needs..." mentality, it's incredibly easy to get caught up in the day to day BS. So, every now and then, throw life a curve...or at least a 3-1 slider that gets the hitter out on his front foot and even if he doesn't swing and you walk him, the next hitter has no idea what you'll do if he gets in the same situation. As a true movie icon, Ferris Bueller, said, "Life goes by fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it." Not me.

So, I guess doing Nanowrimo is a necessity, a mandate, huh? I'm being summoned unto the high ground of writing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.

Ok, ok, ok. I'll do it. Now can I go back to sleep?

"If the Son has set you free..."

2006-10-08T23:05:00.000-04:00

First, I want to thank all of you who prayed for Joe, Steve and myself this past Saturday as we ministered at the Greene County Correctional Facility. Joe is the Chaplain there, as well as one of the elders in my church. It was his idea to do a one-day Wild at Heart seminar with the guys there, most of them need lots of help in understanding what it means to be a godly man. Joe gave me a lot of tips on what to expect and how to handle being inside; but nothing really prepares you for what it’s like to be in there.
For instance, the slamming of iron doors is freaky. Where we were was a medium security facility, so there are many larger open areas for the guys to walk around, get fresh air. The large doors are actually outside. But that doesn’t mean they’re any quieter. They stay more in large bunk rooms than in cells. They are locked down and after lights out you can’t so much as sit up in bed without a corrections officer giving you a hard time. But during the day, there’s a lot of movement. The medium facility had two facilities on either side; one was a maximum security where guys are locked down, two to a cell, at night (what you might commonly think of as jail). On the other side was the "super max", where the worst of the worst are in small cells 23 hours a day. They get one hour of sunlight and recreation. Otherwise, they’re planted in a room. You know, sliding the tray of food under the door and all. I did not go into these other two buildings. Nor did I want to.
You’re familiar with the wire that is set on top of the fences to make it harder for the prisoners to escape, right? Think it’s just regular barbed wire? Think again. Try "razor wire". Two-inch long razor blades, positioned every two feet or so around the wire. If you do try to climb a fence, the razors will slice you up. And if you happen to make it over the first fence, there’s about 30-40 feet before another fence just like the first one. But don’t worry about scaling the second fence. The security guards in the sniper positions above the buildings will gun you down before you ever start the second climb.
Our meetings were held in Building 38, a multi-purpose room that looked a lot like many church fellowship halls. Florescent lights, tile floors, high ceilings - bad acoustics. Joe wanted to do some worship, so he set up the electric piano. One of the men played a bass guitar and there was a beat-up old drum set in the corner. They gave me the drum sticks (they had to be taken out from a locked box - we are in prison and a drumstick IS a potential weapon!) and we lifted a mighty praise! We played standard worship fare - "Blessed Be Your Name", "How Great is Our God", "Holy, Holy, Holy", and others. The guys were really ministered to by the music (they LOVE to worship) and by my playing. One guy wanted to have me give him lessons. I ended up praying at the end for him to receive a "drum anointing". :)
Joe and Steve taught their sessions in the morning. Joe talked about the spiritual battle we’re all in and how the enemy wants to rob us of our masculine strength. Steve did a great interactive talk about the false images we portray and how we need to live out our lives as God designed us to really be. The men really were following along, because right before lunch, the guys split into groups to discuss all that had been shared to that point. I sat in on a group of five or six and the leader, I forget his first name, was speaking powerful, healing words into the lives of some of the guys. I was blown away, especially considering he is only 21! There are pastors I know who do not have the power in their character to minister the way he does.
After lunch, we worshiped a little more (including "O Happy Day", a song I had never played before). Then, it was my turn to preach. I shared how our hearts are central in our lives, how they are broken through the wounds we take (primarily from our fathers), how Jesus came to heal our broken hearts and set us on the path to our original glory, set down from before we were made in our mothers' wombs. Alot to get through, and I only had 45 minutes! I got to share some of my testimony and talk about how though we may walk this life with no earthly father, we have a Heavenly Father who came confirm in us all the things the world never would. I was afraid I was going to lose them, from the length of time I spoke (their attention span is rather short) and the seriousness of the subject. But they hung on every word. Joe seemed to be very excited about how everything went.
I had a chance to bless and encourage a number of the guys one-on-one, which was exciting. I always used to be the guy who’d stand in the corner, shy and afraid. Saturday, I was walking right up to guys, asking them about their deep, dark stuff. We were definitely covered in prayer; I did not feel much spiritual oppression. But I was only in for a few hours. And we were prayed up well, so I could well have been isolated from it, which I am thankful if that is the case.
Picture the scene, 50-60 guys, most in their 20's or 30's, who are inside for some pretty serious stuff. But they had a peace that passes understanding and, to repeat a word I used before, a depth to their walks with the Lord. When you teach prisoners, you’re not dealing with idiots. They may not read very well and can’t tell you all about politics and quantum mechanics, but they are so close to God that if you’re a fake, they’ll smell you a mile away. And they were digging into the topic. You could tell by their comments and their questions that they saw their need for a deep inner healing. Many are on their way to incredible freedom in Him, a freedom many on the outside never experience.
On a personal level, God really spoke to me on several different levels. God further released something in me that had laid dormant for years - the desire to preach and teach the Word. I’ve been feeling like Jeremiah lately - if I don’t preach, it’s like fire being shut away in my bones. I spoke with very few notes and went for 45 minutes, held prisoners’ short attention spans and actually had something to say. He gave it to me. I trusted Him, didn't over prepare and stifle the what the Spirit wanted to do, and the Lord held up His end of the bargain. I told my wife last night as we talked about it, "That's it! That's what I'm put here to do. Minister. Preach and teach the Word. Be mightily used in His service. It's time to stop pleasing myself and striving for what I want. Drop the nets. Expand my circle. It's time."
Now what do we do? Seminary, on-line or distance learner? Straight into ministry? There must be more. But to me it doesn’t matter. He has a plan and a destiny. I will fulfill it! I can’t wait to get Lorenzo’s "Flying Blind" sermon. I’ll probably post it up here when I get a chance. And, if you have it, listen to Steven Curtis Chapman’s "Free", on the CD Signs of Life. His song is almost word for word what I experienced.

There is so much more to say. I’m sure I’ll share more as we go along. Again, we believe your prayers were vital in us having the success we have had. Thank you!

For now, I’m falling asleep. In fact, you should’ve read some for the stuff I erased as I was trying to write and sleep at the same time. Good stinking luck! No psychologist can figure that out!

Walk with God...

Prayer for me tomorrow! (But pray now, please!)

2006-10-06T16:12:00.000-04:00

Hello!

Wanted to send out a prayer request for me, Joe Prisk and Steve Black as we'll be ministering at Greene County Correctional Facility tomorrow from 9am-2:30pm. Joe is the Chaplain there, and he's organized a seminar day based on Wild at Heart. Originally, it was going to be a very structured event, based around the message of the heart. But the more I've been praying, the more it seems God just wants the three of us to go in there, give our testimonies, be transparent, and let the Holy Spirit show up. Joe, Steve and I are meeting tonight to pray and do final prep for the event.

There has been intense spiritual warfare going on the last few weeks, so as if we didn't figure that we were invading enemy territory, it's more apparent right now. Also, I'm feeling like this is a "test case" for me. I've been feeling more and more that God is calling me to preach (or to finally move on a calling that He planted years ago and I've buried under my own plans). I'm excited to have the chance to do it with a heart that's "wild, unfettered and free". More of Him, none of me.

Thanks for your covering. I'll be sure to post highlights later this weekend.

Walk with God...

Cool video...just for you!

2006-10-05T15:25:00.000-04:00

Our worship leader extraordinare, Delray Agnes, sent a link to this video on the WorshipHouse Media web site. We're going to be playing the video clip on our Jumbotron while we play "Nothing But the Blood" over it. I don't know, Telecast's song is pretty cool, too. Check out the other samples found on the site. Good to see creative people doing neat stuff for the Kingdom.

The link is here: http://worshiphousemedia.com/index.cfm?hndl=details&tab=MM&id=4522

Walk with God...

Darren

REPENT!!!

2006-10-02T10:00:00.000-04:00

I subscribe to a number of free e-mail services. Some are great, like John Piper's. Others are, to be blunt, advertisements for the latest church growth gobbledy-gook. I got this one today from Ray Pritchard. I thought it so excellent that I'm posting it here for your edification. Pritchard has a whole blog of his own at www.crosswalk.com. Just search for it...

Repent! The Forgotten Doctrine of Salvation
Ray Pritchard

Please see Acts 17:30.

In 1937 the American Tract Society sponsored a contest in which they offered a prize of $1,000 for the best new book written on one of the “essential evangelical doctrines of the Christian faith.” Sixty-one years ago, $1,000 was a lot of money and a great many well-known Christian authors entered the contest hoping to win the prize. A committee representing six denominations judged the entries. The judges unanimously chose a book written by a man whose name I have mentioned before — Dr. Harry Ironside, who for many years served as pastor of the famous Moody Memorial Church in downtown Chicago. The book he wrote is entitled Except Ye Repent. The title is taken from the King James Version of Luke 13:3 where Jesus said to the men of his day, “Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish”.
Let me quote the first sentence from Dr. Ironside’s introduction: “Fully convinced in my own mind that the doctrine of repentance is the missing note in many otherwise orthodox and fundamentally sound circles today, I have penned this volume out of a full heart.” Repentance, he says, is the missing note in many otherwise sound churches. If it was so in 1937, how much more it must be true in 2006.

In our day, and in our circles, the doctrine of repentance is not preached very often. There are several reasons for this. First, we live in a superficial age and any preaching of repentance is bound to cut through the superficiality. This is one point on which both liberals and conservatives share unspoken agreement — no one wants to go to church and hear hard truth from the pulpit, and repentance is the ultimate hard truth. Second, some evangelicals fear the preaching of repentance because they think it somehow opposes the gospel of grace. Their fears are justified if repentance is made to equal penance, the act whereby a man atones for his own sin. But that is not true biblical repentance. Where true repentance is preached, it actually promotes the grace of God.

A Major Biblical Topic Even a casual reader of the Bible soon discovers that repentance is a major biblical topic. All the prophets mention it in one way or another. Isaiah called Israel to repent, as did Jeremiah and Ezekiel and Hosea and Micah and Malachi. A survey of the New Testament shows that the words “repent” and “repentance” are used in various forms 55 times. John the Baptist cried out, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near” (Matthew 3:2). The entire message of Jesus is summed up in these words: “Repent and believe the good news” (Mark 1:15). When Jesus sent the 12 apostles out, they preached “that people should repent” (Mark 6:12). Our Lord also declared, “I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance”(Luke 5:32). When Luke recorded his version of the Great Commission, he tells us that Jesus ordered that “repentance and forgiveness of sins be preached in his name to all nations, beginning in Jerusalem” (Luke 24:47). Evidently Peter took those words seriously because on the Day of Pentecost he concluded his powerful sermon by calling on his hearers to “Repent and be baptized … for the forgiveness of your sins” (Acts 2:38).

Before we move on, consider these two verses:

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promises, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance” (2 Peter 3:9).

“In the past God overlooked such ignorance, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent” (Acts 17:30).

What is God saying?
He wants you to repent!
He commands you to repent!

That last statement would have bothered the men of Athens. Up until this point, they would have been quite happy with Paul’s message on Mars Hill. Even if they didn’t agree with everything, the Stoic and Epicurean philosophers would have found much food for thought. But with the mention of repentance, they would have become very uncomfortable. Intellectuals love to discuss but hate to decide. The men of Athens would have welcomed Paul’s theological presentation but they could not accept his demand for repentance. That came too close for comfort.

But our text is perfectly clear. If you want to go to heaven, you must repent of your sins. This is not only God’s desire; it is also God’s command. As all good soldiers know, when a command is given, you don’t discuss it or debate it. You have but one choice — to obey. If you don’t, you are guilty of insubordination.
No one likes to be commanded to do anything. But here is a command from Almighty God that applies to every man, woman, boy and girl born on this planet. God says you must repent. No excuses will be accepted. If you do not obey God’s command, you will someday face a divine court-martial.

I. The Definition of Repentance Before going further, it’s important that we clearly understand what repentance really means. In the Old Testament, two Hebrew words help us understand repentance. The first is the word nacham, which means to turn around or to change the mind. The second is the word sub. It is used over 600 times in the Old Testament and is translated by such words as “turn,” “return,” “seek,” “restore.” You see it very often in phrases like “to turn to the Lord with all your heart.”
When you come to the New Testament there is one word you need to know — the Greek word metanoia, which literally means “to change the mind.” Repentance fundamentally means to change your mind about something. It has to do with the way you think about something. You’ve been thinking one way, but now you think the opposite way. That’s repentance — the changing of the mind.
Let’s suppose a man wants to learn how to parachute. So he goes to a parachute school and they show him how to rig up his gear, how to pull the rip cord, and how to land safely. Finally the day comes when they take him up in an airplane. He’s scared to death but he’s afraid to back out. The moment comes when he is to jump. He goes to the door of the airplane and sees the ground 7,000 feet below. His legs grow weak, he’s about to throw up, and somebody behind him is trying to push him out of the airplane. At the last second he says, “No. I’m not going to do it.” “Go ahead, you can do it,” his instructor shouts. “I’ve changed my mind,” he replies. “I’m not going to jump.” And he doesn’t. That man has repented. He’s changed his mind in a decisive way. That story illustrates how repentance works. Repentance is a change in the way I think that leads to change in the way I live. When you really change your mind about something, it’s going to change the way you think about it, talk about it, feel about it, and act about it. I’m suggesting that true repentance is more than just a mental game. Repentance is a decisive change in direction. It’s a change of mind that leads to a change of thinking that leads to a change of attitude that leads to a change of feeling that leads to a change of values that leads to a change in the way you live.
I can remember almost 40 years ago going to a small Baptist church in northwest Alabama to hear Ed McCollum — my father in the ministry — preach in a revival meeting. I’ve never forgotten how he explained the doctrine of repentance. He went to one end of the platform and started walking. About the time he got to the other end, he turned around and started going in the other direction. “That’s what repentance is,” he declared. “You were going one way in your life and now you are going in another.” That’s why the typical Old Testament word for repentance is “turn.” Turning is always involved in repentance. It’s a change of mind that leads to a change of direction.
Someone may object — rightly — that to leave the matter there may make it seem as if repentance is an outward work I do, a kind of self-reformation where I try to clean up my life. That would indeed be opposed to the gospel of grace. But that’s not what I mean. What I am trying to show is that true repentance affects the way I live and if it doesn’t affect the way I live, it’s not true repentance. It’s not just mental arithmetic; it’s a true change in the values by which I live my life. There are dangers on both sides. I think by far our greater danger is that we will minimize repentance to the point where it doesn’t mean anything at all.
Only God Can Grant RepentanceIt’s also crucial to point out that repentance is a gift from God. We are all born with a sin nature that leads us constantly away from God (Ephesians 2:1-2). Left to ourselves, we will always walk in the wrong direction. No one will ever have the slightest desire to change directions — and no one will have the power to make the change — unless and until God touches that person with the power of the Holy Spirit. That’s why both Acts 11:18 and 2 Timothy 2:25 speak of God granting the gift of repentance. Without that gift, no sinner could ever turn from his sin and find the Lord Jesus Christ.
In passing, let me say that there are two things that repentance is not. First, repentance is not mere sorrow for sin. Repentance is not measured by the number of tears you shed. Judas, we are told, regretted having betrayed Christ. He was genuinely sorry but he did not repent. There is a place for weeping and agony of soul, and we would all be better off if we took our sin more seriously, but sorrow in and of itself is not repentance. Second, repentance is not merely a promise to do better. I’ve already said that repentance is not self-reformation. It’s not a spiritual New Year’s Eve resolution. Yet repentance includes both ideas. When I truly change my mind about the way I have been living, there will be sorrow for sin because I will see my sin the way God sees it. It will grieve me the way it grieves God. And repentance implies a decision to make a break with the past and to live a life pleasing to God. So those two things aren’t wrong; they just don’t go far enough.
The first step in changing the direction of your life must come from within. You’ve got to want to change. If you don’t want to change, no one can make you change. And you must be willing to do the hard work of repentance. Most of us change slowly and often only under great pressure from within or without. That explains why Christians often continue in sinful patterns of conduct even when we know we are hurting ourselves and others. It’s easier to keep on doing what we’ve been doing. Real change is hard work. But if there is no real change, there is no real repentance. Until you can say, “I was wrong,” you will never be able to repent. If you never admit your faults, you can never be healed. Until you admit that you are traveling down the wrong road, you can never change the direction of your life.
Once when preaching on this topic, I asked the congregation to say "I was wrong" out loud with me. With more than a few sheepish grins, we all said it together. Why not stop reading and say it out loud wherever you are? As you grow spiritually, it ought to become easier and easier to say those words.

II. Repentance Illustrated It’s not hard to find many examples of true and false repentance in the Bible. On the positive side we have the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) who took his share of his father’s inheritance, left home, went to the “far country,” and wasted it all on riotous living and sexual immorality. When the famine came (as it always does sooner or later), he found himself broke, hungry, friendless and penniless, far from home. He ended up hiring himself out to a farmer where he fed the pigs and dreamed of eating the husks himself. Finally he came to his senses, he realized what a fool he had been, and resolved to return to his father’s house. He mentally rehearsed what he would say: “I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.” Then he got up and began the long journey home. But when his father saw him coming, he ran to him, embraced him with tears, and welcomed him back with joy. The son repeated the words he had rehearsed and his father responded by putting a robe on his shoulders, a ring on his finger, and sandals on his feet. He called for a great celebration because his son who had been lost at last was found — as if he had come back from the dead.
On the other hand consider Judas who betrayed the Lord for the price of a slave. When he realized his error, he returned the money to the high priests and tried to cancel the deal, but it was too late (Matthew 27:1-10). The older versions say Judas repented, but the newer versions more accurately record that he was filled with remorse. Later he ended up committing suicide.
What made the difference between these two men? Both knew they had done wrong, both felt deep remorse. Yet one was forgiven and the other was not. Why? Surely the crucial point must be that the prodigal son cried out to his father for forgiveness while Judas did not. He confessed his sin — but not to God — and that made the difference between heaven and hell.

III. Repentance Applied Repentance is the doorway to heaven and there is no other entrance. That’s a bold statement to make — yet I believe it is entirely biblical. If we fail to preach repentance, we are leaving out a vital part of the gospel message. Our failure in this regard has produced an anemic gospel, stripped of its power to change human lives. But there is more to repentance than the initial act of coming to Christ for salvation. Repentance is to be part of our daily walk with God. It is foundational to a growing Christian life. When Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg, Germany in 1517, he began with this crucial statement: “When our Lord and Master, Jesus Christ, said 'Repent,' He called for the entire life of believers to be one of repentance.” In a sense the entire Protestant Reformation hangs on those simple words. If you are a Christian, repentance ought to be part of your daily life.
When Paul said that by the Spirit we should “put to death the deeds of the flesh” (Romans 8:13), he was talking about repentance.When he said, “If we would judge ourselves, we would not be judged” (I Corinthians 11:31), he was talking about repentance.When Peter said to his readers, “Rid yourselves of all malice and deceit” (I Peter 2:1), he was talking about repentance.When James said, “Wash your hands, you sinners” (James 4:8), he was talking about repentance.When John said, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (I John 1:9), he was talking about repentance. The words are different but the meaning is the same.
One reason revival does not come is that we take our sins too lightly. Repentance is hard work. It demands we stop excusing ourselves. It means looking at life from God’s point of view. The reason we don’t want to repent is because we know our lives would have to change, and that makes us uncomfortable.
The doctrine of repentance is not given to heap more guilt upon us. It is given to free us from guilt. We drift and slide away from Christ precisely because we don’t want to repent. Repentance means a genuine change of mind about ourselves and the way we’ve been living. It’s costly. It’s not easy. Things are going to change if we repent. But if we dare to obey God when it isn’t easy, if we break up the hard soil of our hearts, God will plant within the seeds of joy and peace. Repentance is not opposed to grace; true repentance leads us on to grace where we are forgiven and restored to fellowship with God.
When I preached this, a friend commented that anyone who thinks repentance is opposed to grace doesn’t understand either one. I think he’s right.

What Repentance Looks Like What does repentance look like in practical terms? Here are five statements that help us answer that question: I know I have repented when…

A. I admit I did wrong.
B. I feel sorrow over my sin.
C. I confess my sin to God and to others.
D. I resolve to make restitution where possible.
E. I walk in the path of new obedience.

Our greatest need is for a holy dissatisfaction. Not a morbid introspection. Not a self-conscious recital of every sin we have committed. But a holy hunger for God to reveal himself in a new way. Where do we go from here? We need to have a time of prayer and personal commitment. I think many of us are somewhere on a downward slide spiritually. Many of us are conscious of being so busy that we hardly have time for the Lord anymore. That’s the first step in a bad direction. Now is the time to turn away from our sin and find forgiveness and cleansing.

One final word. The Gospel invitation begins with repentance. The first step in becoming a Christian is changing your mind about Jesus Christ. Jesus said, “Unless you repent, you too will perish.” It would be terrible to go to hell because you never repented of your sins. Terrible because God has already done everything necessary for you to go to heaven. He sent his own son to die on the cross, bearing your sins, taking your place, paying your penalty. A hymm written in 1759 by Joseph Hart contains a verse that says it well:

Let not conscience make you linger
Nor of fitness fondly dream.
All the fitness he requireth
Is to feel your need of Him.

If you go to hell, don’t blame anyone but yourself. The way to heaven has been open for 2,000 years. Jesus died that you might enter God’s presence forever. No one else could have done what he did. No one else would have done it. The same hymn contains this message of gospel hope:

Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Lost and ruined by the fall;
If you tarry till you’re better,
You will never come at all.

The refrain promises that Christ will welcome us when we come to him:

I will arise and go to Jesus,
He will embrace me in His arms;
In the arms of my dear Savior,
O there are ten thousand charms.

Do you feel your need of him? If you do, I urge you to come to Christ and put your trust in him. Do it today and enter into the salvation God has prepared for you. Amen.

"Update your stinkin' blog, already!"

2006-09-28T20:47:00.000-04:00

With those intimidating words from my friend Denes, I finally go back to my blog to update the world on my life. Instead of writing lengthy bits about everything, I'll create a list of the headlines. Then, I'll elaborate slightly on the more important factoids -

1. I'm currently preparing to do a Wild at Heart one-day seminar at Coxsackie prison Saturday, 10/7. Our elder, Joe Prisk, who is also Chaplain at the prison, invited me to do it. I'm covering the three eternal truths (from Eldredge's Waking the Dead), then the question, the wound, the poser, and healing the wound and the new name. I've lived this stuff the last two and a half years, including the classic Boot Camp...more on that later. Pray if you are prompted for open hearts and the anointing only God can pour out..

2. Our men are also holding a men's retreat the weekend following at Camp Pinnacle, in the mountains outside Albany, NY. I don't care what anyone says, I'm going on a hike during free time. I am NOT playing paintball. I value my life and would rather not get blasted by some of the lunatics that attend our church. Love 'em, but they is CRAY-ZEE!

3. Mets lose eight out of ten. Had better get on the ball. Pray for a Mets/Twins World Series. My friend Troy (lives in Minnesota) and I will have to put up a wager. Plus, the Yankees will have lost. Someone say, Amen?

4. Did you catch where the state government is going to issue all home owners a rebate check for their overpaid property taxes? Wow, benevolence...what a concept from our government. Oh, but they "forgot to mention" that the checks will be counted as income on our taxes! Which means the tax rebate money will be... you guessed it - TAXED!! They're going to get 1/3 of it back ANYWAY!!! GRRRRR!!! Did I mention we live in one of the most corrupt states in the union?

5. I had my hand in setting up the outline of the Christmas play at our church. Delray, the Creative Arts director, asked me for a little "plot advice". I've heard a rumor I'm to be singing "White Christmas" a la Bing Crosby. I'm dreamin'.....

6. National Novel Writing Month is about one month away. I don't think I'm going to do it this year. Last year was great. It proved to me I could write 50,000 words. Not that I wouldn't enjoy the challenge. But there is so much going on. I don't think I could do it with any hope of actually finishing. If you'd like to try, or get more info, go to www.nanowrimo.org. Cool site, lots of interesting people from around the world on the forums.

7. Did you notice the 6 in the last segment is italicized, but nothing else is. Sweet!

8. Taking a major dive after three weeks in my football pool. I'm closing in on the bottom three, a place of dishonor, just like on American Idol or Dancing with the "Supposed" Stars. I think a seven year old girl is winning. That is no joke!

9. Trying to remain confident, but my work is WAY down in sales, more than 50%. That has effected my cashflow in a big way. We're trying to brave this lengthy storm, trying to stay focused, reminding ourselves always that the just shall live by faith. I've got to have a pretty substantial pile of mustard seeds right now.

10. I mentioned the Wild at Heart Boot Camp. John is hosting more in 2007, including one the weekend of May 3-6, which, with God's help, I'll be attending. Last year, it changed my life. This time around, who knows? If you're interested in finding out what it's all about, go to www.ransomedheart.com and click on "EVENTS". Browse through the Boot Camp material. Check out my log from the last Boot Camp under archives in April '05, to the right of the page.

11. My neighbors already have their Halloween decorations up. They have for a week. Well, I guess if Santa can show up in the mall the week before Thanksgiving...

Well, that's all from Barkman land. God is good, all the time. Aslan is on the move here. No doubt. I pray He is where you are as well. More to come later...

OK, Denes..was THAT good enough? Yeesh...

Asherah and Our Sex-Crazed Culture

2006-08-09T15:23:00.000-04:00

Often times, we are so quick to skim through the Scriptures just to "read". Truth be told, we don't really understand all that we read. But we're reading the Bible. Isn't that good enough? Well, no. Historically, there is so much to the Scriptures, especially the Old Testament, that something that we don't understand could, with just a little research, provide great insight into what we read. If we're diligent enough to take 2 minutes to actually do the research.

Here's why I'm coming up with this thought. And there is a connection. Recently, I read a transcript of a sermon by Dr. Joseph Stowell. A good teaching on sexual immorality in our culture, based on the messages to the churches of Pergamum and Thyatira in Revelation Chapter 2. Thyatira, specifically, was rebuked for allowing a Jezebel Spirit (or a prophetess in the mold of Jezebel) to rule and decieve many. As an aside, I may print the text of that sermon here at some point. Anyway, that led me to read in 1 Kings about Jezebel and her "strong, dominant" husband, Ahab. Anyway, it was under her decree that Ahab erected altars to Baal and Asherah poles beside the altars. Now, if you've studied the Bible at any length, no doubt you've come across Baal. Baal is really the chief "false god" mentioned in the Old
Testament, and the son of Molech, whom many Israelites sacrificed their children to. But what the heck is an Asherah pole? Have you ever stopped to think about that? Is it just a stick stuck in the ground? A mop handle? I did a little research into it. I think you'll be interested in my findings.

Asherah, Astarte, Ashtoreth, whichever you decide to call her - was a Phonecian female goddess, equated to fertility and love. jewish mythology referrs to her as Ashtoreth, a demon of lust (more on that later). She was considered the consort of Baal, the sun god, who we all know as THE false god the Israelites tended to gravitate toward. But Asherah was his wife, so naturally they were set together. According to some archeologists, Asherah (and the subsequent poles) were EVERYWHERE in early Israel. You would find these little statues under every tree, in every house (remember during David's life the mention of "household gods"? One of them was probably Asherah). Some, including the Authorized Version of the Bible, have mistranslated "Asherah" as "groves", referring to the areas where Asherah would be placed, rather than the diety herself.
The first mentions we see of Asherah is in 1 Kings when we run into King Ahab, who had a "lovely" wife, Jezebel. She incited him to erect altars to Baal, no doubt because she was completely absorbed into the false religion. It's fascinating to see that ahab, in commanding the Baal altars be built, all but set up Baal worship as the official religious practice of Israel. Jezebel, being the domineering woman she was, no doubt had to set up altars to Asherah as well. Nothing like having a female deity to "aspire to". Today, one simply has to scan certain pagan-influenced web sites to see that Asherah is still a familiar name to many. In fact, she is referenced in many fertility dance-cults (like Luna Yoga) and others.
Seeing correlations to 21st century culture? Feminism is so ingrained in many parts of our culture. Many want to change God to a female form (God, the mother of our Lord Jesus Christ...don't laugh, I've heard it in a mainline church before...) or, as I mentioned in wicca and pagan religions, Asherah herself is Queen, worshipped even today. But for most, I think Asherah worship is happening right under our noses, and we don't even realize it. Why is pornography a multi-billion dollar industry? Why is sex used to sell everything from cars to food to furniture? Why can't you watch any popular shows without hearing numerous sexual references or innuendo? Why, when all we have heard over the last thirty-plus years is "women are equal to men in every way", do some women still feel the need to use their bodies as objects to "get their way". Why does our culture allow it to continue? Why does my eight year old daughter want to dress like the girls she sees on TV? Why does a man's head turn every time a girl walks by with a tight shirt or a short skirt? Why does the girl need to wear that stuff? Sure, the easy answer to all these is sin. But what if...

Satan is clever and crafty, but he is not creative. In Old Testament times. he used a pagan fertility god to draw the Israelites (and its women) astray. Why wouldn't he do the same today? In the New Testament, there is talk of temple prostitutes. Ephesus is widely considered a hub for this type of sexual devience. Venus, the goddess of love (which equates to sex in pagan cultures) was the patron deity of Corinth, which was also home to a large church. Remember the part in 1 Corinthians when Paul expels a man from the church? What was he doing? Having sex with his stepmother. Sexual morays run amock. How many exhortations did Paul put in the epistles that relate to sexual behavior? Too many to list here. Do a topical study on it sometime.
Though we are the most blessed nation in the history of the world, we too have set up our altars to Asherah and ignored the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob to pursue other gods. Millions of Christian men are addicted to pornography, bound by lust. Ashtoreth was the Hebrew demon of lust. Asherah is just the personification of the evil we are seeing every day around us. I think it would be helpful to see that Satan is being very specific with men (and women), binding their minds and souls so that they are not free to worship as God would want.

Psalm 62.1 says "My soul finds rest in God alone". What I see is a culture that is trying to find its rest in sex. That is the draw of lust and pornography - a man sees the naked woman and she beckons to him, "I am all you need. I'll satisfy your every desire." Perfect, the man says. Sexual gratification without the emotional tie. She won't demand anything of me, just my sex drive. The man engages the "woman" sexually. But just when he thinks he'll reach that utopia, she pulls the rug out from under him, and locks him in. He's a prisoner of his own desires. He'll run on the sin treadmill forever. He'll never get where he thinks he wants to be. Sure, it's pleasurable. But it's temporary. Like drugs or alcohol, it's only good until the buzz wears off. And it will wear off.

"In His presence there's fullness of joy. At his right hand there are pleasures forever." (Psalm 16.11). True contentment, pleasure and joy is ONLY found in God's presence. It's eternal, permanent, transcendent of any circumstance. When we seek Him, we'll find Him. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they WILL BE FILLED!!!!! If you hunger after Asherah and all she can give you, you'll only be hungry again.

God told Joshua to get rid of the foreign gods when the Israelites entered the promised land. They didn't and God's chosen were polluted. Asherah was one of the false gods that was allowed to stay. And they paid a heavy price for their compromise. So do we, when our culture is so corroded by our worship of the feminine form, instead of the one true living God.

My friend Derek wrote a song a number of years ago called "Tear Down the Idols". Go to www.amanirecords.com/shop/downloads.asp?ID=8 and you can get the song for a buck. Our God is the one true God. And we need to strip away all others avenues of worship and clear the way for Him to change us into His true people. The Ten Commandments has one near the top of the list - "You shall have no other gods before me". That not just a command. It's a promise. As we worship Him in Spirit and in Truth, we won't need other gods. He will be all sufficient.

Are You Ready to Die For Your Faith?

2006-07-31T22:05:00.000-04:00

Just a question I started asking myself after the Israelis started going after Hezbollah in southern Lebanon. Let's talk reality - not political mumbo-jumbo or spin, but what the deal really is.

Islamic Fascists have two goals - first, to kill all the Jews. Second, to kill you and me. Christians, Americans, all of us. That is not Newt Gingrich's view. Or Rush Limbaugh's view. It's the Fasicsts view, stated over and over and over. They are possessed by the most horrific evil we have seen embodied since Hitler. Pol Pot and the Killing Fields. They want nothing short of world-wide domination and Islamic control, with all the infidels (that's you and me, buddy) either bowing their knees to Allah or being blown away by an AK-47.

Oh, come on! We live in America! That would never happen to us here! That is hopelessly naive. We are sitting ducks. We are targets. If our government does not get serious about sealing off our borders, the terrorists could come waltzing into our neighborhoods and just start picking us off one by one.

Those who want to live a godly life will be persecuted, Peter wrote. I'm sure he could never imagine the hell the Fascists want to unleash upon us.

What would most Christians do? Would we turn tail and run? Stand firm, like the students at Columbine? I hate to say it, but we are a wimpy nation. We are, as a whole, not ready for that kind of plot against us. What would YOU do if you were driving down the street on a Sunday or Wednesday after church and, at a red light, a terrorist comes up to your car and sticks a gun in your face.

"I saw you leaving that church! You are an infidel! I will kill you dead now unless you get out of your vehicle now, bow down, and renounce Christ and pledge yourself to Allah!"

It's coming. Someday. Are you ready? Are you ready to die for your faith?

We are not alone

2006-07-30T07:27:00.000-04:00

Like it or not, we do not live in a vacuum. Garbo’s famous line, "I want to be left alone!" does not apply in the Kingdom. Paul Simon wrote, "I am a rock. I am an island. And a rock feels no pain and an island never cries." What a miserable existence! What a selfish existence. All that matters is self-preservation. The protected soul says, "Stay far away! You may not come any closer. And by this fortress I will never be wounded again." It is the trap of billions who have been stung far too often. The problem with this defensive posture is that if we do not allow our souls to be vulnerable, our hearts to be exposed, we are greatly deceived. We feel our greatest happiness will come from isolation with no risk. Truth is, this will only give us our greatest depression. For certainly great pain and heartache can come from vulnerability. But also most certainly great love and joy only comes from vulnerability.

If God has allowed certain situations into our lives - abuse, destruction, violence, just about anything an unredeemed life can throw at you - we need to go to God and ask why. It is not in the character of God to hurl oppressive life circumstances at His children just to punish us. He’s not sitting in heaven going, "Nah Nah Nah!" with his tongue stuck out. There is always a point. When my brother in the Lord Derek Levendusky laid in a sick bed in Africa, on the brink of death from malaria and a harmful overdose of treatment medication, he could have gotten bitter and said, as Job’s wife did, "I’m going to curse you now, God, so I can die. You brought me all the way over here to finish me off? Thanks a lot!". But he didn’t. In asking God why this was happening, God spoke clearly.

"Derek, didn’t you ask me to make you a soldier? Didn’t you cry out to be like me and to be usable to me? Well, are you ready to be my soldier now?"

Sometimes, God has to go to great lengths to get our attention. Some of us are so headstrong and clueless, God has to throw everything but the kitchen sink at us to get us to see that what He really wants in us is not faint or lose heart, but to GROW! God’s ultimate purpose in us is to manifest His glory. And He’ll work by any means necessary to achieve that purpose in us.
The Christians the book of Hebrews was written to were facing struggles that seemed overwhelming. They were being abused physically and verbally, their property was being stolen, persecution abounded. But the writer of the book does not let them wallow in self-pity. In fact, in chapter 12, the readers are told to EMBRACE the hard times (v. 5-6) and to endure, because there is a reward - "the peaceful fruit of righteousness" (v.11). Are many Christians lacking soul righteousness because they refuse to go through trials? Maybe a better way to say it is some Christians automatically think a trial is a satanic attack and they pray for God to take it away. When really the response is, as Derek did, to take the situation to God and ask, Lord, what’s happening? Why is this going on? What are You trying to teach me here? There’s always a lesson to be learned, an answer. It may not come immediately, but it will come. For some, it is simply individual growth. And for some it is to live out 2 Corinthians 1, to go through the crucible of pain so that God can get the glory on the other side.

Spurgeon wrote, "The temple of glory is built on the threshing floor.". How true it is. His greatest glory can come out of the hardest, toughest area. Do you think you’re immune to hardship? If the heroes of faith from Abraham to David and all in between went through tough circumstances, from God saying to kill your children to kings chucking spears at you, do you really think you’ll make it through this life with out going through it yourself?

But we run and hide from it all. It’s easier in my mind to construct this whole world where I’ve been wounded and abused and ignored. And because the whole world hates me and doesn’t appreciate me, I’m going to take my ball and go home. It seems easier to just blow off my destiny. There were times when I thought I’d be a pastor and - I’m not kidding - plan on cheating on my wife. I thought it would be cool to have this "big secret" that everyone would find out about only after I was long gone and dead. Our flesh is always looking to sabotage God’s best.

My pastor said something interesting to me recently which I had never really considered. I always assumed that to be transparent to your closest friends meant 24/7 complete and absolute openness. But looking at Jesus’ life, there were time that He wandered off alone. He went to pray to the Father. He went to struggle against His flesh to perform His work. The disciples would question each other of his whereabouts. No one would know. Then Jesus would reappear after a day or an evening. The disciples would get no answer for His vanishing act. But Jesus would dive right back in and serve and preach, recharged by the Holy Spirit.

There’s nothing wrong with solitude, being alone. Because in being alone, we’re never really alone. Jesus, of course, is always with us. And some, like me, are just typically introspective and somewhat reclusive. I like my time by myself. It stems from all the time I spent by myself when I was growing up. As an only child, it was me, myself and I most of the time. But D. Martin Lloyd-Jones says in his book Spiritual Depression that those who spend much time looking within, focusing on self, tend to become severely depressed. Because the focus is always on the self; and considering how spiritually bankrupt we are on our own, it’s no surprise we are brought down low by the enormity of the mountain of problems we may have.

God said of Adam in the early moments of Genesis, "It is not good for man to be alone.". We are meant to have companions, friends, soul mates. Certainly, He was talking about a wife in the Garden. She is the ultimate companion. This is why marriages fail so often. Because even though the man and the woman live under the same roof, they are really by themselves. Emotionally, they never fuse together. Why? Many are afraid of being hurt. Those whose spouses are that distant tend to have no friends at all. Their hearts are pleading for intimacy. Often, they’ll find that bond with a man or woman who is not their husband or wife. He/she really understands me, they say.

I know Tricia and I had a great surface relationship. We could laugh, joke, have a good time. But our depth went about as far as the relationship you have with a co-worker. You may know some details, share a deep thought or two, but you would never tell them THAT! What are you, nuts? We could never really connect. Because I liked being alone. I don’t tell anyone my feelings. You just don’t do it. Because really no one cares. They’ll just use it against you later to control you. And we spent years fighting. Her underlying thought through all the wars was, "Why won’t you just tell me what’s going on! I need you to come through for me." And mine was, "Shut up and leave me alone". Small wonder I ended up emotionally tied to contortionists on the internet and our marriage almost blew up for good.

It is not good for us to be alone. God is commanding us to risk our hearts and love radically. Speak truth from the deepest reservoirs of our hearts. It doesn’t mean we have to ooze all of our feelings all the time, wearing our hearts on our sleeves and telling complete strangers our every thought (though for a period to get over the hump, it may not be bad to error the other way). We need to engage, we need to share. It is the pathway to finding who I really am. Like Gideon, I will never become a mighty man of valor if I’m content hiding in the winepress. Paul calls us to shine like stars, as we hold out the Word of Truth. Buechner says the original glory God put in us is our "shimmering self" that cries to come out.

Let it shine, men. Let it shine.

Writer's note... Over the next few weeks, I'll be re-posting some of my favorite posts from the last year or so. Just like on TV, the summer will be full of re-runs. I'm trying to re-organize my archive and I can't get an answer on how to post certain archived articles and not others. So I guess I'll do it myself. Keep checking back to see them.

There's nothing new under the sun...

2006-04-22T07:27:00.000-04:00

It's April 22, 2006. I think you figured that out already because this blog page lists the date. Anyway, The quote at the top of the page is burning a hole into my mind. For more than a year at this blog site, I have advocated living from your true heart. I have prompted you to search the depths of your soul for that thing that God has planted there, refine it, then ride it for all it's worth. To offer a passion to Jesus and ask Him to make your all-consuming life's work.

But this author sits. Frustrated. Running in circles like a carousel horse. Feeling like life is passing by so fast and I'm missing it.

Let's be honest for a minute. Tricia and I are doing wonderfully. I was able to pour my heart out to her last night. I cried like a baby. I don't know if she fully understands the pretzel-like state of my heart right now. I don't even really get it. Before February, I don't know if I would have even dared to expose weakness to her. I may have, but I probably would've bottled it right back up. She was trying to pull out of me what I wanted to do. There's really so much. All of it has to do with serving the Lord in ministry 24/7/365. Whether it's writing, preaching and teaching, music...it doesn't matter. I love all of those things and want to do them and get paid to do them.

Can I speak freely? Of course I can, this is my blog...I hate selling hearing aids. I can't stand it. Like Gary Barkalow was asked one time, when he was struggling to raise support for Athletes in Action - "You really hate doing this, don't you?". I'm just waiting for a patient to look me in the eye and ask me that. The days I'm doing really well I tolerate it. Well, I guess this isn't so bad. I can do this, if I have to. I've had days where sales have been good and I still don't want to be there. I am fickle, no doubt about that. But I'm not getting any younger.

God has put so many different talents within me. I'm not bragging. I'm an awesome drummer. I love doing it. It comes so easily for me. I'd love to play all the time. Professionally! But that would involve traveling. Being away from Tricia and the kids? Not such a great plan. Not when we're finally doing good. Tricia and I have been prophecied over that we're going to be double-barrel ministry, both handling and teaching the Word. I'd love that, and I think Tricia and I finally would make a good team that way. But there's a part of me that doesn't want to invest in people. I just want to be left alone. I'm afraid of people rejecting me if I try to open up and dive too far into their junk. I'd rather just play drums. But I'm hiding if I do that.

Then, it seems like every time I try to step out and get involved in ministry, it seems like I get stonewalled. I ask for the door to be open. Nope, sorry. Why don't you just sit there and wait? I'm tired of waiting. When is it going to be my turn? I want to do something that makes me come alive! But I'm sitting here dying! AAAAAAAAA! Someone listen to me! Give me an opportunity! Take me away from this unfulfilled life I'm living! Help me matter!

So, the journey begins again. I'm not quitting this time. This is it. The final battle. Luke vs. Darth Vader II. I will not be denied until my life is set right. I'm going to set priorities, make a checklist and devote myself to self-examination, "cleaning out the closet", and moving on. No more spinning in circles. I'm ready to live, ready to breathe, ready to take in everything. Ready to love, ready to shine, ready to live this life of mine.

Are you ready too? I would hope that through my writing my thoughts, hopes and fears down here, I'd be able to inspire you as well. This is the writing passion part. I remember getting that fortune in the cookie a few years ago, that said, "You have a passion for words, someday you'll write a book." Wow, did my heart jump up! Then, last November, I did! But there's more. Like Craig said, "There's SO MUCH more." Let's saddle up. The adventure begins again...

2005-12-31T15:39:00.000-05:00

Hi there! We'll conclude 2005 with some classic writing from one of the great cloud of witnesses - Charles Finney. Hopefully, you've got a little time to chew through this one. It's awesome.

Death To Sin Through Christ
By Charles Finney

“Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 6:11.

THE connection of this passage will help us to understand its meaning. Near the close of the previous chapter Paul had said, “The law entered that the offence might abound; but where sin abounded, grace did much more abound, that as sin hath reigned unto death, even so might grace reign through righteousness, unto eternal life, by Jesus Christ our Lord.” He speaks here of sin as being a reigning principle or monarch, and of grace also as reigning. Then, in chapter 6, he proceeds, “What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord.”
You observe here that Paul speaks of the man, the old sinner, as being crucified with Christ, so destroyed by the moral power of the Cross that he who was once a sinner shall no longer serve sin. As Christ died for sin, so by a general analogy we die to sin; while, on the other hand, as He rose to a new and infinitely glorious life, so the convert rises to a new and blessed life of purity and holiness. He died for the sake of making an atonement for sin and of creating a moral power that should be effective to kill the love of sin in all hearts; but the Christian dies unto sin in the sense of being divorced from all sympathy with sin and emancipated from its control.
But I must proceed to remark upon the text itself, and shall inquire,
I. What it is to be Dead unto Sin in the Sense of the Text
Being dead to sin must obviously be the opposite of being dead in sin. The latter must undeniably be a state of entire sinfulness a state in which the soul is dead to all good through the power of sin over it. But right over against this, to be dead to sin, must be to be indifferent to its attractions beyond the reach of its influence as fully removed from its influences as the dead are from the objects of sense in this world. As he who is dead in the natural sense has nothing more to do with earthly things, so he who is dead to sin has nothing to do any more with sin’s attractions or with sinning itself.
II. What is it to be Alive unto God?
To be full of life for Him to be altogether active and on the alert to do His will; to make our whole lives a perpetual offering to Him, constantly delivering up ourselves to Him and His service that we may glorify His name and subserve His interests.
III. What is it to Reckon Ourselves Dead Indeed unto Him?
The word rendered reckon is sometimes rendered account. Abraham’s faith was accounted unto him for righteousness. So, in this passage, reckon must mean believe, esteem yourselves dead indeed unto sin. Account this to be the case. Regard this as truly your relation to sin; you are entirely dead to it; it shall have no more dominion over you.
A careful examination of the passages where this original word is used will show that this is its usual and natural sense. And this gives us the true idea of Gospel faith embracing personally the salvation which is by faith in Jesus Christ. But more of this hereafter.
IV. What is Meant by Reckoning Yourselves Alive Indeed unto God?
Plainly this: that you are to expect to be saved by Jesus Christ and to calculate on this salvation as your own. You are to esteem yourself as wholly dead to sin and as consequently brought into life and peace in Christ Jesus.
Remarks
This text alone, “Reckon yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ” most entirely justifies the expectation of living without sin through all-abounding grace. If there were no other passage bearing on this point, this alone is adequate, and for a Christian to offer this only as a reason for such a hope in Him is to offer as good a reason as need be given. There are indeed many others that fully justify this expectation.
“Having, therefore, these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and of the spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.”-2 Corinthians 6:11-18, and7:1.
This is a very remarkable passage. Note how precept and promise are intermingled, and how, finally, upon the basis of a most glorious promise, is founded the precept enjoining us to perfect holiness. Now what should we think of Paul and of the Divine Spirit who spake through Paul, if He had immediately subjoined, “Take care lest any of you should be led by these remarks to indulge the very dangerous and erroneous expectation that you can “perfect holiness,” or cleanse yourselves from any sin, either of flesh or spirit, in this world? “Would not this have been trifling with the intelligence and Christian sensibility of every reader of his words throughout all time? Should we not account it as substantially blasphemous?
To teach that such an expectation is dangerous is a great deal worse than no teaching at all. Far better to leave men to their own unaided reading of God’s word, for this could scarcely in any case so sadly mislead them, however inclined they might be to the misapprehension. Dangerous to expect salvation from sin? Dangerous? What does this mean? What! Dangerous to expect victory over any sin? If so, what is the Gospel worth? What Gospel have we that can be deemed good news at all? Many indulge the very opposite expectation. Far from expecting any such thing as the apostle authorizes them to expect, they know they have no such expectation.
Of some yet more than this is true they expect to count themselves always in sin. They depend on reckoning themselves, not dead indeed unto sin, but somewhat alive to it through all their mortal life, and in part alive to God through Jesus Christ. It follows as quite a thing of course that expecting no such thing as complete victory over sin they will use no appropriate means, since faith stands foremost among those means, and faith must include at least a confidence that the thing sought is possible to be attained.
There are two distinct views of salvation entertained among professed Christians, and correspondingly two distinct classes of professors often embraced within the same church. The one class regard the Gospel as a salvation from sin. They think more of this and value it more than the hope of heaven, or of earth either.
The great thing with them is to realize the idea of deliverance from sin. This constitutes the charm and glory of the Gospel. They seek this more than to be saved from hell. They care more by far to be saved from sin itself than from its penal consequences. Of the latter they think and pray but little. It is their glory and their joy that Christ is sent to deliver them from their bondage in iniquity to lift them up from their wretched state and give them the liberty of love. This they labor to realize; this is to them the good news of Gospel salvation.
The other class are mostly anxious to be saved from hell. The punishment due for sin is the thing they chiefly fear. In fact, fear has been mainly the spring of their religious efforts. The Gospel is not thought of as a means of deliverance from sin, but as a great system of indulgences, a vast accommodation to take off the fear and danger of damnation, while yet it leaves them in their sin. Now, here I do not by any means imply that they will call their system of Gospel faith a scheme of indulgences: the name doubtless will be an offence to them. They may not have distinctly considered this point, and may have failed to notice that in fact it is such and nothing better.
They seem not to notice that a scheme of salvation that removes the fear of damnation for sin, and which yet leaves them in their sins to live for themselves, to please themselves, and which holds that Christ will at last bring them to heaven notwithstanding their having lived in sin all their days, must be a vast scheme of indulgences. Indeed, it is a compromise on a most magnificent scale. By virtue of it, the whole Church is expected to wallow on in sin through life, and be none the less sure of heaven at last. He has come to break the power of sin in the heart, and to be the life of the believer, working in him a perpetual salvation from sin, aiming to bring him thus, and only thus, to heaven at last. What is faith? what but the actual giving of yourself up to Christ that He may do this work for you and in you? What are you to believe of Christ if not this, that He is to save His people from their sins? Does the Bible tell you to expect something different and less than this?

Merry Christmas, everyone!

2005-12-23T22:18:00.000-05:00

Well, since it's almost Christmas Eve (a couple of hours to go), I thought I'd drop in and leave a quick note to wish everyone well and to give a brief update. As you can tell, I haven't posted an entry since my victory became complete in NaNoWriMo. I've kind of taken a breather from being in front of a computer. Can you blame me? Goodness...

I've been busy in the meantime. I'm about halfway into my first class through Berean - Intro to Pentecostal Doctrine. The actual lessons have been interesting and the supplemental reading on the Holy Spirit has been a challenge. I have to admit, I've been a typical American Christian most of my walk with God. What that means is that I think I know the Bible. But when it comes right down to it, my doctrine is a bit sloppy. If not non-existent. But this course has given me a new perspective on doctrine. Usually, pentecostals are not big lovers of deep doctrine. It's all about grace and love, man! But if you don't have sound doctrine, you're going to be blown about. Paul many times discussed how Timothy and other leaders need to lock into the truth and never compromise. Oh, how the church compromises.

I'm going to dig into the Baptism of the Holy Spirit tomorrow morning. Sure, I believe in it. It's an unleashing of the Spirit in the believer for service and strength. I'm starting to see an addition to my desire to see people walk in their calling. You need to experience God through the Spirit before you're going to have the courage to face the onslaught of the enemy and meet your destiny head-on. God needs to unlock your heart to follow Him. That happens as Jesus pours Himself out on the believer.

I think. Like I said, I'm reading it tomorrow.

Anyhow, Tricia and I are going to wrap presents now. Then I'm going to bed. I'm going to get up to study, but I don't have to set the alarm. First time in weeks for that. Yahoo! Maybe a real night of sleep.

Merry Christmas to all who happen by here. May the little baby in the manger be the triumphant King, reigning forever in your heart.

Walk with God...

Thoughts on NaNoWriMo

2005-12-01T09:45:00.000-05:00

Wow. November was a crazy month. Hold on a second...

There...that's better. I felt like I was screaming.

It's December 1 and I'm taking a little time out of my busy day to jot down some thoughts on my novel writing experience from the last thirty days. Actually, it was only about 28 days. As is my usual style, I finished my project three days early. All in all, I'd say it's pretty good for a first draft. If you read the opening parts, you know the content is a little tough. I didn't pull any punches with it. It probably will be considered too racy by Christians who read it. But tough. I can't tell the story and talk about the issue without diving straight into the reality of the evil. I did realize that having it flying around the internet like I was defeated the purpose and could provide some who are still tied up in sexual addiction to be even more lost. So I pulled the first half. The second half, complete with my character's epiphany and restoration, is on this site, in the November page.

It defitnitely needs a few re-writes. It's rough. There are sections that don't fit. Characters that are in the story, then disappear. I have to decide where they are going to go. The beauty of the creative process.

I was profoundly impacted by NaNoWriMo. The guy who heads it up, Chris Baty, isn't a Christian to my knowledge. But he's very motivational. I realized a number of things about myself -

1. I am infinitely lazy. I talk like I'm organized and disciplined, but it's a smoke screen.

2. I can write. And now that I've written the equivilant of a 176 page book, I'm an author! And as I wrote in a message on a forum at the NaNoWriMo website, "Anyone who thinks differently can just sit still while I cram the first draft of my book up a small oriface while I laugh". OK, a little rude. Sorry...

3. I enjoy the creative process. I've written on this before. That is a part of me that needs to come alive more. Hopefulyl, this will be the nucleus for that.

There's much more for me to speak on, but it'll come out as it's developed. hopefuly, one day "On the Fritz" will be available in your local bookstore. Or the movie will be in your mall cineplex.

On a separate note, I spoke to Pastor Noel and Lorenzo. I am signed up for a trip to Malawi that Noel is taking June-July of 2006. I mentioned to P Lo that I wanted to find out more about that trip. He e-mailed me back and said they had been praying for someone to step forward to help out. Hmmm...

Well, I'm off to work. All God's best to you. Talk to you again soon.

Walk with God...

I did it! I did it! Yippee for me!

2005-11-28T00:55:00.000-05:00

It's almost 1 in the morning, but I'm grateful to say that I, Darren Barkman, have won at NaNoWrimo! "On the Fritz is complete, clocking in at 50,151 words. Get out your hankies and prepare to read the last installment. I'll write more about what God has shown me this month a little later. After I sober up from the binge I'm going on to celebrate this puppy!

May 17. Graduation day. Steven had been at Liberty Hill exactly six months. It
hasn’t been easy. There have been struggles, spiritual attacks, fears about the future. But today was the day Steven walks out of Liberty Hill a free man. In more ways than one. It was the custom of Liberty Hill to invite friends and family to the ranch for a special commissioning service, where the former patient is prayed for by the staff and the other men in the program, then released with God’s power firmly behind them. Heather and Bree were going to be coming in to Kalispell this morning on a flight from Denver. Steven had talked with them by phone at least once a week through the whole six months. He discussed every aspect of his recovery. Piece by piece, as his life was put back together, it was as if his wife was by his side; even though she was nearly 2,000 miles away. The airplane stuff? Steven hadn’t mentioned a word.
Steven had complete faith that God has spoken and not stuttered. He was to relocate to Kalispell, train for his pilot’s license, work with Woody, then continue the air charter business as Woody retires. How do you explain that to your wife over the phone? He had tried to just ‘bring it up’ in conversation. It just never seemed appropriate. Steven’s plan was to get Heather and Bree out to Big Sky country, have them fall in love with it, then spring it on them that they were going to live out here. What if Heather hated it? What if Bree was upset and wanted to stay closer to her friends? What if the whole thing flopped and they fell flat on their faces?
What if Steven ignored God? What if Steven ignored his true heart that was now on the surface after getting rid of the sin that had so deeply entangled him for so long? God had spoken so clearly about this plan for the future, there was no way the girls could not want to go along with it. He hoped...
Steven waited inside the main commercial gate at the airport as Heather and Bree stepped off the plane and onto the pavement. The closer they got, the more excited he got. So much that he ran out the door to meet them outside.
“Hi.” Steven said as he reached his wife, and took her hands.
“Hi. I’m so glad to be here. I love you.” She held his face with both hands and kissed him hard, then held him around the waist, not wanting to ever let go.
Steven reached over. “Breeanna, come here.” Steven and Heather made their hug a threesome. All three of them started to cry, overjoyed that their family was together again.
“Let’s get your stuff. I want to show you some of the sights before we go up to the camp.” Steven hustled over to the baggage claim and carried all four of the suitcases himself over to the camp SUV. One of the privileges of the graduation process is a greater amount of freedom. Steven was allowed to drive the truck down to Kalispell by himself to pick up his family.
“Steven, it’s gorgeous up here,” Heather remarked as they drove out of the airport parking lot and up into the mountains. “I just can’t believe it.”
“I’ve really fallen in love with this part of the world,” Steven added. Was this the moment to discuss the future? Steven wondered.
“I’ll bet the skiing is great up here,” Bree added from the back seat. That’s about as much of an endorsement as he imagined to get from his teenager. “There’s an overlook on Route 2, about ten miles up. I want to stop for a minute, all right?”
“You’re driving,” Heather said. There. The family meeting was set.
The newly reunited family stood on the scenic over look that Steven and Clyde had first stood on six months earlier. They marveled at the view - the mountains, the lakes. Breeanna saw a pack of mountain goats on a ledge below them. She laughed at how funny they looked and sounded. It was so peaceful. No other vehicles on the road. Just the birds singing and the light whoosh of the breeze through the air.
“Every time I stand up here,” Steven said, “I think about the psalm that says ’The heavens declare the glory of God and the firmament shows His handiwork. It’s just so cool.”
“We should live up here,” Heather said matter-of-factly. Steven was stunned, but played it cool.
“Oh, really?” He asked incredulously. “How do you figure that?”
“Well, there’s nothing for us in Spring Arbor. My sister is staying with my Aunt in Shortville now. It’s just as far to visit my mom in Missouri from here as it is from Spring Arbor. We could easily live here now.”
“And what are we to do for money? Jobs?”
“I don’t know,” Heather shrugged her shoulders. “God will figure something out.”
“What if I were to tell you He already has?” Steven asked, continuing to look off toward the valley below.
Heather shot Steven a quick look. “Excuse me?”
Steven held Heather’s hand. “Here’s the deal. Clyde, my sponsor at the camp, gave me a airplane tour of Glacier Park for my birthday. I know flying drives you crazy, but you know how much I love it. Well, God started speaking to my heart about how free I was up there. Next thing I know, Woody, the pilot, is telling me he doesn’t want to fly the planes any more and that he thinks I’d be perfect to take over the business. He’ll train me for my license for free and when I do start flying on my own, we buy the company and give the tours.”
Heather turned white as a sheet. She stared dumbfounded at Steven.
“What?” Steven asked. “You look like you saw a ghost or something.”
“When did you go on that trip, Steven?“
“It was on my birthday, April 19. Why?“
“I had a dream that you were flying an airplane. It was the night of Bree’s party with her friends. Bree, honey...” Heather called across the parking area to her daughter, who was sitting on a bench listening to her ipod. “What date was Kristen’s party?”
“It was dad’s birthday, the 19th of last month.” Bree called back.
Heather turned, stunned and amazed. “I remember it so vividly. You know I just about throw up every time I know you’re flying. But I wasn’t in the dream. I was watching you fly the plane, but I had this incredible amount of peace. No fear at all! I figured it was God saying, figuratively, that everything was going to be all right. I had no idea...”
“...that he was talking literally,” Steven finished.
“Yeah...” Heather was practically speechless. They both realized what God was up to.
“What do we do now?” Heather asked, staring off toward the valley below, a small tear trickling down her cheek.
“Well, it is time to get back to camp,” Steven looked at his watch. “The ceremony for me starts at 7:00. Then, I guess we start looking for a house!”
Heather and Steven hugged and kissed again, but in a much different way than ever before. Now they were partners. Up until now, they were together as a couple; but they both would tell you the didn’t need the other. That had all changed in one moment of God intervening in their lives.
Bree snuck up behind them. “Why are you guys crying now?”
“We’ll tell you on the way,” Heather said. The three put their arms around each other as they made their way to the SUV, climbed in and headed for Liberty Hill, all the while praising God for His goodness and guidance.

The main hallway of the Liberty Hill lodge was decked out in balloons and streamers. Every time a participant leaves as a success, the staff throw a big party. It’s called a graduation; but it more resembles a victory party. Victory over sin, the enemy, the flesh, everything and anything the patient hopes to get rid of while they’re there. Tonight, it was all for Steven. Six months to the day of his complete collapse, he stood before his fellow members a new man. Steven was truly ’in Christ’ now; the old had gone away and the new had come. It was his desire to do God’s will, but not in a way that had to bring glory to himself or his name. All pride had been stripped away. In one of his last journal entries, Steven wrote -
It was neat to hear about Ryan’s desire to go to China and minister to the underground church. To really rejoice in someone figuring out where God wants them to be. When he asked me if I wanted to go, at first I emphatically said no. But the more I thought about it, I don’t know why I can’t go. In the past, I’d be going so that I could list ’ministering to the Chinese Christians’ on my resume. It had everything to do with furthering MY agenda. But now I have no agenda. The only thing I need to do is figure out how to be a pilot. And to win back Heather and Bree’s trust again. I know without a shadow of a doubt what I’m supposed to do and what will bring me the REAL joy I’ve been looking for. Going to China would help Ryan and bless those in the church that I minister to. I have no TV show to broadcast pictures on, no pulpit to say Hey look at what I’m doing. It’s for an audience of one. What does HE think? Is HE blessed? No one else’s opinion matters.
Steve would be going to China later in that year. He would have a profound impact on the pastors in the cell churches. He shared his testimony of brokenness before God and, with Ryan’s help, was able to lead many pastors to a deeper concecration in God.
For the night of his graduation, Steven was the center of attention and it was very good. Pastor Wilkins, the chaplain for the camp, addressed the audience of about forty men, along with various staff and townspeople.
“We’re here tonight to send off someone who is probably the most well-known person to come through our doors. He had a crisis in his life six months ago. But he faced it with honesty and dignity. Today he is a shining example of what a broken and contrite heart looks like in practice. It has been my privilege to see him grow beyond a bombastic, erudite preacher, to a man who believes God for great things. We want to celebrate him tonight, as he ventures back out into the world. Folks, may I introduce to you...Steven Hassmann.”
A standing ovation quickly followed as Steven jumped up out of his seat, buttoned his suit jacket, and stepped on to the stage. He came over to Pastor Wilkins and whispered something into his ear. Pastor Wilkins looked a little puzzled, but nodded his head and stepped back to the microphone.
“Normally at this time, we give the graduate a few minutes to say some thank yous if he wants. Steven has requested something a little different. He would like to invite his wife Heather up on to the stage and he would like the two of them to renew their wedding vows. Right here and now!”
The audience cheered again as Heather, obviously a little surprised, stood up, stepped on to the stage and stood next to her husband.
“I’m going to get you for this!” She said to Steven.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Steven stayed looking straight ahead.
“Now there was no rehearsal,” Pastor Wilkins admitted. “So let me have the couple here at the front of the stage. Face each other. Hold hands. Hmmm, I’ve never had to do this from memory before. I hope for your sakes I get it right!”
Everyone laughed.
Pastor Wilkins began. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here tonight to, now among other things, restate the wedding vows of Heather and Steven Hassmann. It obviously has been a long, hard road the last few months, but for the last...” Pastor turned to Heather. “How many years have you been married?”
“Nineteen,” Heather whispered.
“...for the last nineteen years,” Pastor rolled on, “they have been an example to their churches and families of what a marriage can be when God is in it. And now, they are truly an example of what grace, forgiveness, and peace will bring even to the toughest situations. Steven, will you repeat these words?
“I, Steven Hassmann...”
“I, Steven Hassmann...”
“...do once again take Heather Grant Hassmann...”
“...do once again take Heather Grant Hassmann...”
“...to be my lawfully wedded wife.”
“...to be my lawfully wedded wife.”
“To have and to hold...”
“...To have and to hold...”
“...For richer or poorer...”
“...For richer or poorer...”
“...In sickness and health...”
“...In sickness and health...”
“...Forsaking all others...
“...Forsaking all others...”
“...for as long as we both
shall live.”
“...for as long as we both shall live.”
“Heather,” Pastor Wilkins continued, “Repeat after me - “
“I, Heather Grant Hassmann...”
“I, Heather Grant Hassmann...”
“...do once again take Steven Hassmann...”
“...do once again take Steven Hassmann...”
“...to be my lawfully wedded husband.”
“...to be my lawfully wedded husnbnad.”
“To have and to hold...”
“...To have and to hold...”
“...For richer or poorer...”
“...For richer or poorer...”
“...In sickness and health...”
“...In sickness and health...”
“...Forsaking all others...
“...Forsaking all others...”
“...for as long as we both
shall live.”
“...for as long as we both shall live.”
“You’re already wearing your rings. I guess that’s about it,” Pastor Wilkins concluded. “Did either one of you have anything you want to say?”
“I have something I want to say,” From the front row, Breeanna stood up. Steven and Heather were amazed. She never wants to talk in public. What was she going to say?
Heather took the microphone. “My dad, as you probably know, was a famous pastor. It was hard for me being a pastor’s kid. I had to be perfect. I couldn’t do anything wrong or all the ladies at church would gossip about me non-stop. When the news hit that my dad had been seeing pornography and going to sex shops, it got even worse. I would hear people whispering behind my back, talking about me. Calling me the pig’s daughter and stuff like that. It was hard. But my mom held me and told me it would be OK.; that dad was here and that he was getting help and he’ll come back better than before. I didn’t believe her; I thought I’d end up another divorced family kid, just like most of my friends.
Steven and Heather held hands behind Breeanna, admiring her as she spoke.
“Ever since my dad’s been here, I can testify to the change in him. He’s nicer to me on the phone, he doesn’t criticize me like he used to. He talks to me, not at me. Since we’ve been here, he’s kissed me and hugged me and put his arm around me. He never used to do that. And look! He’s holding my mom’s hand right now!”
Steven raised their clasped hand over their heads. The audience cheered again.
“I just wanted to say that I’m proud of my dad. He made some mistakes but he was big enough to admit it, change his life and be better. I’m glad I get this dad, not the one I used to have. I love you, daddy!”
Steven cried more tears as he hugged his only daughter tightly.
“Thank you.” Steven whispered in Bree’s ear.
After the clapping and cheering subsided, Steven took the microphone.
“I just wanted everyone to know our plans. I haven’t told too many people, just Ryan, Clyde and my family. God has orchestrated it so that we’ll be staying here in the area. I’m going to be taking over Minuteman Aviation someday soon, when I get my license to fly. I’ll give everyone a free ride! How does that sound?”
The whole audience voiced their approval by cheering again.
“God has been so, so good. Since we’ll be here, we plan on volunteering to help other who come get free as well. It’s a whole new life. We’re so looking forward to it. Thank you and God bless.”
The people who came Steven’s graduation gave another long, loud standing ovation. Steven was humbled. He remembered how once this type of resopnse would have puffed up his chest and made him all the more excited about where his career was going as a successful minister. Now he simply cares about his family and, soon, his new company. As he stood on that small stage, Steven thought to himself,
All is well. All is certainly well.

Cindy and Charlie literally picked Montana as their honeymoon destination by throwing a dart at a map. That was the type of people they were - spontaneous, ready to do anything at any time. That’s why they called SHB Aviation to take an air tour of the mountains. A new adventure awaited the newlyweds around every corner.
They pulled up to the hangar in their rented pick-up truck. Cindy in her faux fur coat; Charlie in khaki pants and golf shirt, with the fancy leather jacket. They walked up to the Cessna CVI sitting on the runway and approached the man under the wing, giving the plane one final spit polish.
“Excuse me, is this the right place for the air tours?” Charlie demanded.
Steven stuck his head out from behind a panel that had dropped down off the wing. “It most certainly is. Steven Hassmann, at your service. And you are?”
“I’m Cindy Van Bonder and this is Charlie. We’ve just gotten married last week and we’re here for your tour.”
“Right! The newlyweds from California! Great! Well, I’m ready if you are. We’ve got some papers to sign. We can do that on board. I like to get right into the air with you folks. Don’t want to wait around. There’s too much to see!”
“Cindy, do you think our lawyer should read the papers over first?” Charlie asked.
Steven gave a slight smirk. “They’re pretty standard release papers. They just say that we can send you to the hospital in town if the plane were to explode and you meet your untimely death in an amazing fireball of gas and shrapnel.”
Cindy and Charlie just stared at Steven.
“It’s a joke.” Steven explained.
The couple looked at each other, wondering if illegal drugs were common up here in the mountains.
“If we can, we should go now. The weatherman says we might get some rain before too long. Clouds and fog off the mountains doesn’t make for a good show up there.”
Steven took Cindy and Charlie inside the hangar and gave them a brief safety lesson, including proper use of a parachute, just in case. After just a few minutes, they crossed the landing area and boarded the Cessna CVI that Steven had taken on that prophetic trip seven years before. He had grown the company to three planes and four pilots serving most of the state. He still chose to fly the tours at the flagship hangar himself. He had done at least two trips almost every day since he took over from Woody. When business doubled in the first year, Woody was amazed. Steven was able to witness to the goodness of God in the situation and also how Steven came to Montana in the first place. Woody ended up giving his life to Jesus not soon after that. In fact, Kalispell had itself a mini-revival in the months soon after the Hassmanns arrived. The small church they attended, Communion Baptist Church, quintupled in size. Not because the once-famous Rev. Steven Hassmann began attending; but because so many were becoming Christians that they all needed a place to be discipled. There was even rumors swirling around town that Steven was going to split off and start a church in town, and that it was going to be twice as big as his church in Spring Arbor. It was going to be a tourism mecca for the Glacier Park area. Millions of dollars flooding the streets as people come to see what the Reverend is up to now.
Steven had no desire for that, though. His days were too busy flying the charters and living close to God to think about going backwards. There were no computers in the house or the business. One small TV in the Hassmann’s home had no cable; just the two network channels from Great Falls. Steven and Heather had settled into a very nice routine. It was never boring. But it was always full of God. Just the way they’d hoped it would be.
Cindy and Charlie settled into their spectator seats, right behind Steven’s pilot seat. They noticed two pictures on the dashboard.
“Who’s in those pictures?” Cindy asked.
“The one on the left is my wife Heather and I the day we decided to move up here. What a day that was. The other is my daughter, Breeanna, with her fiance Cody. He’s a pilot with me up here and my maintenance guy. She’s a blessed girl and we’re going to be blessed in-laws. He’s from Olney. Neat little town up Route 93. Best food in the area. You ought to try it.”
“What do they serve?” Charlie asked.
“Only the best hash in the world. You ever eaten hash before?”
The newlyweds crinkled their noses at the thought of eating something so repulsive.
“Guess that’s a no. OK, folks, buckle up...we’re ready to go.” Steve said as he spun his seat around to face the dashboard, adjusted his headset and turned the key to start the engine.
“Tower, this is Eagle one. Tower, this is Eagle one, over.”
“Roger, Eagle one. Steve, you ready to go to work?”
“That’s an affirmative, Henry. Let me go!”
“You’re clear. No one’s supposed to be around while you’re up. I’ll talk to you in an hour, ok?”
“Make it two hours. I’ve got newlyweds with me.”
With a pushing forward of the throttle and a release of the gas button, the plane quickly lifted its nose off the runway. Effortlessly and seamlessly, the plane ascended into the sky and cruised past the first ridge of mountains and over Whitefish Lake. Cindy and Charlie were amazed at how smooth the takeoff was, noting that no commercial pilot had done better, in their estimation. They both proceeded to look out their respective windows, admiring the terrain. Steven gave out tidbits of information - the elevation of the mountains, the climate and temperature information, tales of bear sightings in the passes and ridges below. He knew most of the time the passengers weren’t listening. But Steven enjoyed talking about it just the same. It was the kingdom God had given him. Who was he not to brag about it a little bit? About half way through each trip, no matter who he was escorting, Steven strayed from the facts and figures and began to quote from one of his favorite philosophers -
“You know folks, from way up here most people will see the mountains. The snowy peaks. The lakes and the beautiful trees. I see all that. But do you know what else I see?
“Possibilities. Endless possibilities...”

tHE END

On the Fritz continues...

2005-11-26T10:52:00.000-05:00

44,232 words and counting. Here's more...

Steven had negotiated Route 2 numerous times with Clyde during his stay at Liberty Hill. He was sure to look off in the distance each time to see Mt. St. Nicholas and Grizzly Mtn., each of which were clearly visible from the main road. They had become good friends. Then they passed through the little towns of Hungry Horse and West Glacier, which seemed more like home now than Spring Arbor. Steven knew all the landmarks. He even started recognizing many of the town faithful who walked down the street.
A few minutes later, they arrived at the Airport in Kalispell. Steven remembered back to his first arrival at the airport. He recalled chuckling when he heard it was an international airport. Now he knew better; Kalispell was actually a rather large city, the largest near Liberty Hill. The airport was in the middle of nowhere. It added to the charm of the trip into this wonderful part of God’s creation.
When they reached the main parking lot, Clyde usually took a left turn, heading for the commercial airline buildings. Today was different. Clyde hung a quick right turn and went behind the two large brown hangars which always seemed to sit desolate. Not today, though. When Clyde and Steven turned the corner behind the first hangar, Steven saw a sign for Minuteman Aviation, the company his tour was booked for. They parked by the main entrance. Steven bounded out of the truck like a little child. Clyde had a hard time keeping up with Steven, in contrast to their first trip to this airport.
They walked up to a older man, walking away from the hangar, wiping his hands on a white rag.
“Excuse me,” Clyde asked. “Are you Woody?”
“One and the same. Which one of you is Steven?”
“That’s me. Ready to go, Captain!” Steven saluted Woody in ’proper’ military style.
“At ease, solider,” Woody laughed at Steven’s excitement. “We’ll take off in a few minutes. I need you guys to go in and fill out some forms. I’ll get the plane ready.”
Steven pointed to a double engine plane standing behind them. “Are we going on that one?”
“Yep, that’s mine. The Cessna CVI. Beautiful. Served me well for nearly 15 years.”
Steven stared at the plane. The long white tip of the nose. The sleek body with its five small windows. It’s just a plane, Steven thought. No, it’s more than that. But he wasn’t sure why.
After filling out all the papers, Clyde, Steven and Woody walked back out of the office and into the hangar. Woody gave Steven a few instructions about the flight and showed him on a map where they’d be heading. It was a loop around the majority of Glacier National Park. Steven had seen some of the peaks from Route 2, but there was another two million or so acres he’d never seen. Now he’d get the best view possible.
“Steven,” Woody inquired, “since it’s just you and me, do you want to sit in the cockpit with me? You‘ll get the best view from...”
“ABSOLUTELY!” Steven interrupted.
“Well, you seem ready to go. Let’s get flying!” Woody grabbed his jacket and headed toward the plane. Clyde stopped Steven just before he floated away.
“Hey, Steven. Happy birthday. How old are you today?”
“Clyde, I feel like I’m ten. This is the best gift ever. Thank you.” Steven gave Clyde one of his own patented bear hugs, then ran off to the plane. Steven went up the three small steps, then Woody shut the door behind him.
A minute later, Woody began driving the plane down the smaller runway in the back of the airport. They had a single runway just for private and smaller planes, like Woody’s Cessna. Steven watched as Woody put his headset on and began to map out coordinates to the traffic tower. He was mesmerized by the whole process, though he didn’t understand a word Woody was saying. Steven studied all the buttons, dials and switches, wondering what each one did. It was almost too much to take in at once.
The two engines instantly roared. Woody pulled the throttle back and the plane began to roll faster and faster down the runway. Steven was slightly scared going this fast, but he knew the plane had to build up enough speed to take off. Just when it seemed like the plane couldn’t run any faster, the nose of the plane lifted off the ground. It felt like they were going vertically into the air for a brief moment. Steven was pinned against the back of his seat.
“Having fun yet?” Woody asked Steven.
“This is awesome!” Steven exclaimed. “YAH HOO!”
Just a few seconds later, they reached 6,500 feet and were soaring above several high peaks and navigating around others. It was an incredible position to be seeing the Rockies from. And Steven was watching for all the peaks and the lakes that dotted the landscape. But he seemed more fascinated by Woody and what he was doing next to him in the cockpit. Flicking switches, turning knobs, pulling the throttle back and forth, side to side. Steven was mystified by the whole process.
Instantly, Steven’s mind raced back to his childhood. Steven was ten and the Hassmann’s were taking a vacation to Florida to visit Al’s parents, who had just retired. Usually, they all took the family station wagon on trips. But Al had just made a very large sale and the family had some extra money, so they decided to fly down. Young Steven was thrilled. He always loved to see planes fly over their house or to see them on TV. To actually get to ride on one was the thrill of a little boy’s life.
Steven walked down the long tunnel and entered the plane, wide-eyed. His mom held his hand and walked him to his seat. His smile got even wider when he realized it was a window seat! There was no fear of the heights he would be climbing to; just the joy of seeing everything he could see for the whole trip.
Steven’s parents were warned that children are afraid of the loud engines and the shaking of the cabin during take-off. Steven never said a word. His nose was against the window, watching all the cars and houses get smaller and smaller as they got farther away.
While the flight attendant was serving lunch, she asked Steven if he’d like to visit the cockpit. Steven reached another level of euphoria. He bounced up and down in the seat, delighted at his good fortune. He waited and waited for the woman to come back to retrieve him. He waited some more.
“Mommy,” Steven said. “When are they going to show me the cockpit?”
“Shhh,” Marge hushed her son. “The plane has some turbulence and they told us not to get out of our seats. Hopefully, they’ll be able to take you.”
Then a voice came over the intercom inside the cabin. “Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is your pilot speaking. We are preparing for final approach to our destination, Miami International Airport. At this time, please buckle your seatbelts and return your seats to their locked and upright position.”
“Mommy,” Steven asked in a panic. “What’s happening?”
“We’re going to land soon.”
“No! Can’t I see the cockpit?”
“I’m sorry. No, dear.”
Steven began to cry and pound the seat. Everyone thought he was scared with the change in pressure and the landing. But he was angry. Very angry. Angrier than he had ever been before or since. The rage continued right through the landing, the plane parking at the gate, and the passengers leaving the plane. Steven was so out of control, his mom couldn’t even get his attention enough to tell him that he could see the cockpit briefly as he exited the plane. They just didn’t want to make a bigger scene. So they left in a hurry.
Why didn’t I ever remember that? Steven wondered as he continued to study Woody’s every move.
“Tell me what you’re doing,” Steven asked. “Everything.”
Woody began to explain about the dials: the pressure levels, altitude meters, gas levels. Some of the controls he used all the time, some not at all. Steven soaked it all up. He instantly memorized every one.
“You want to steer the plane?” Woody asked.
“Really? Can I?”
“Sure. Here, grab this handle.” Woody took Steven’s hand and placed it on the throttle. “Just hold it steady. No jerky motions. There, you’ve got it. See, you’re flying! Now, just pull it a little towards you...Great! Nice bank turn! Just like a pro!”
Steven felt alive, more than he ever had before. Something more than just flying an airplane was taking place in Steven’s heart. A peace was rising up in his spirit, almost like this was a familiar place to be in. It just felt right to be where he was, as he was.
Welcome home, son.
Steven hadn’t heard the voice since his dorm room, when he watched Billy Graham and felt the call to ministry. He was just as startled by it this time as he was today. A tingle ran up Steven’s back as he heard the words in his spirit. He knew it was God. There was no doubt. Being at Liberty Hill, he had become very aware of His presence with him every day. But His voice had not resurfaced. Until now. Steven didn’t try to analyze the situation. He didn’t have the time - he was too busy steering the airplane.

Woody brought the plane in for a safe, comfortable landing. A small tear dripped down Steven’s face, like he was leaving a close friend in the sky. Once the plane touched down and the engines dropped into a lower gear, Woody signed off from the traffic tower and removed his headset. He continued to roll the plane down the runway, back to the hangar. Clyde was waiting at the entrance. Steven could see him through the cockpit window. He gave Clyde a big ’thumbs up’.
Once the plane stopped, Woody shut off the engines and turned to Steven.
“You know, you’re something else.”
“What do you mean?” Steven asked.
“I take charters like this all the time,” Woody recalled. “No one, I mean no one, has ever been more interested in flying the plane than you. Most people could care less.”
“I’ve just always liked to fly. Since I was a little kid.”
“You ever thought about taking flying lessons? Getting a pilot’s license?”
“Oh, no. I couldn’t do that.”
“Why not? You sure seem to love this.”
“Yeah, but my wife would panic if I wanted to do something this risky. And it’s really expensive, isn’t it? I’ve always been too busy to commit to it and...”
“Excuses, excuses, excuses,“ Woody interrupted. “Look, I’m an old man. I‘ll be seventy next month. I can’t do this much longer. I want to keep my feet on the ground now. But flying has filled my life for the last forty-six years. I built this company up from an old crop duster. But my kids are all gone with their families now. I don’t want to just ditch this business - it’s meant too much to me.
“What’s that got to do with me?“ Steven wondered aloud.
“You’ve got the same passion for flying that I have. I could see it in your eyes up there. You feel like you come alive when you fly. You belong up there more than you do down here.”
Steven was living every word.
“Clyde told me a lot about you. How you’re looking to start things over for you and your family. You’re an honest and decent Christian man. I think you’re the type of guy I’m looking for.”
“To do what?”
“To take over my business. To run the charter flights.”
“How am I supposed to do that? I don‘t know how to fly a plane!”
“I’ll train you. I’ve got a teaching certificate. I kept up the paperwork for something like this.”
“How am I supposed to pay for it?”
“I’ll train you for free. All the lessons and everything.”
“For free?”
“Sure. I’ve got a C172 in the back you can train on. It’s not as big as this plane, so it’ll be easier for you to handle.”
“Wait, wait,” Steven tried to get a handle on this conversation. It was happening much too fast.
“There are guidelines for your training,” Woody continued. “There is classroom work I can teach you. Then you fly with me until your comfortable to go on your own. Then you have to do a cross-country solo flight. The rest is all formality. It’s easy if you‘ve got the mind for it. And you do. Then, you buy the business from me. You fly all the charter flights. What do you think?”
Steven was dumbfounded. This is how God reveals your future? He just drops it in your lap, like this? Steven tried to come up with more excuses why he shouldn’t do it. In the moment, he couldn’t come up with one. Was there anything else he loved more than flying? Besides Jesus, Heather and Bree, not really. What job did he have to look forward to once he was done at Liberty Hill? Nothing. Where else would he go? Nowhere. What would Heather think? She likes snow. And if I was happy and at peace, He reasoned, she’d be happy and at peace. Somehow, as crazy as the prospect sounded, it seemed crazy not to do it.
“Woody, I’ll do it!” Steven extended his hand and they shook on the deal.
A few minutes later, Steven opened the door of the plane and hopped down the stairs to the concrete below. Clyde ran out of the office and up to Steven.
“So how was your trip, buddy?”
“Clyde, it was incredible.”
“Tell me about everything you saw.”
“Well, for starters, I saw my future. Clyde, welcome to Hassmann Aviation.” Steven smiled as he walked past Clyde into what would soon be his office.
Clyde was dumbfounded “Wait! What? Steven? What does that mean?”

Holy stinkies! It's been a week since I've updated!

2005-11-23T13:41:00.000-05:00

Hey, everyone! Between trying to get my word count up and working and our family trip to North Carolina, which concluded today, I've been very negligent about posting updates here. But here you go - the last seven days or so. I'm currently at 35,571, well on my way to 50,000. Enjoy -

Two security guards waited inside the stage door of the convention center, ready to lead Steven out to a car that was waiting to take him to a motel outside of town where he would spend the night. Dr. Singleton helped Steven into the bathroom so Steven could splash some water on his face before his journey into public for the first time since the events of this day became public.
The news of Steven’s activities at the Oasis Lounge quickly became a national news story. Eleven o’clock newscasts led with breaking news from Chicago, where the new president of the National Evangelical Union had been videotaped by undercover officers pleasuring himself at a sex shop. The police where there looking to bust what ever they could at the Oasis Lounge that afternoon and evening - drugs, prostitution, or other illegal things. They eventually arrested three performers for sexual contact with paying customers, a form of prostitution; and four “customers” for public lewdness, one of them supposedly being Rev. Steven Hassmann. Undercover videotape showed Steven in one of the rooms at the Lounge, preparing to masturbate. Night vision videotape of Steven was being shown on news programs all over the country.
It didn’t long - maybe two hours - for the media to latch on to this story and made it their next sensational news event: “Spiritual Leader Caught With His Pants Down”, the evening edition of the Chicago Gazette read. Cable news channels went with wall to wall coverage, revealing a nation’s shock and surprise that one of its most trusted spiritual leaders was a sexual addict. Reporters began the shredding, piece by piece, of any integrity Steven had with the public. Shocked Spring Arbor residents were interviewed in the streets, having to explain how they didn’t know their esteemed minister was such a disgusting man who were naturally shocked by the reports. Other pastors were paraded across the screen with intense scrutiny, needing to explain how one of their own could do such horrible things. These pastors also had to stand up for the church as a whole. The attitude of many of the reporters seemed to accuse all pastors and church leaders of being hypocrites. Psychologists were presented to try and explain the mental state of someone like Rev. Hassmann, and how he could keep such a perverted life hidden for so long. Investigative reporters were dispatched to find out all the dirt they could on Steven. They talked to people at Woodlawn and Summerset, most of whom had never met Steven. It became a feeding frenzy all about Rev. Steven Hassmann, “The Pornographic Pastor”.
The side alley was a sea of activity. Reporters, still cameras, video cameras, boom microphones and flood lights were held up in the alley around the car, like an army batallion, waiting to attack the on-coming horde. Inside the auditorium, Steven gathered himself, knowing full well what waited for him on the other side of the door. The journey past the media would only be twenty feet or so, but he knew it would seem like a lifetime. He took a deep breath and looked over at Dr. Wiloughby.
“I’m sorry I’m putting everyone through this. I never wanted it to be this way.”
“We know,” Dr. W gave Steven a bear hug, as a show of support. “I’m going with you to the motel. We need to brief you on the way as to what Ray and I have set up for you and what’s going to happen here.”
“Does Heather know what’s happening?”
“Yes. She was heading to Shortville, but the media - those bastards! - almost ran her off the road trying to get a statement from her.”
“Is she alright?” Steven was sincerely concerned.
“Oh, yes. You know Heather, the toughest cookie of them all. She ended up almost running them off the road. I hope they have it on tape. I’d like to see that! Anyway, we sent a policeman to her to escort her back to your home. Breeanna’s there with her.”
Steven began to cry again, thinking about how his fourteen year old daughter is taking the news.
“Steven, Breeanna’s fine, also. She’s a chip off your mother’s block. As her mother and she were walking back into the house, the media was screaming nasty questions at them. She turned around, looked at them and fired back, ‘I love my dad, you hear me! I LOVE MY DAD!’. They’re both standing with you. You’re a lucky man, Steven.”
“Yeah, Dr. Wiloughby. I know.”
“We need to leave.” Dr. W said to Steven and to the waiting security guards.
The sea of reporters in the alley surged as the door opened and Steven, Dr. W and the guards quickly passed by. Light bulbs flashed and reporters bombed the passing entourage with questions -
“Rev. Hassmann, why was your luggage at the Oasis Lounge?”
“Rev. Hassmann, does your wife know about your sexual history?”
“How can you reconcile being a pastor with that type of lifestyle?”
Steven didn’t hear much of the questioning. It was an eight second journey from the door to the car. He and Dr. W quickly jumped into the car and the door was slammed behind him. In an instant, the car sped off out of the alley, onto Martin St. toward the interstate.
In the car, Dr. Wiloughby laid out Steven’s agenda. He would be staying at a motel tonight under constant surveillance, so that the media wouldn’t hound him or he wouldn’t try to run away. Another car would come by at 7:30 in the morning to take Steven to O’Hare, where a chartered plane is waiting to take Steven to Montana. He will meet another car at the airport in Helena, which will take him to Liberty Hills.
“How long will I be there?” Steven wondered.
“There are three-month, six-month, or one year programs,” Dr. W explained. “I understand it all depends on the pace of your recovery.”
“So I’m just going to be sitting in counseling sessions all day?”
“Oh, no,” Dr. Wiloughby corrected Steven. “You’re a resident of the program just like every other guy there. You have to pay your way while you’re here. They find you a job in town to make money. You’ll have responsibilities at the camp - cooking and cleaning There are social things to do. You will have a lot of session work, too. They’ll explain it all to you when you get there.”
“What about the church? Sunday morning? Wow, it‘s going to be a zoo there, isn‘t it?”
“Probably. I’ll be there to preach this Sunday and talk about these issues. After that, your elder team will take turns. Hopefully, the church will run like the machine it always has been, even in your absence.”
Steven started to cry again, thinking about all the people in Spring Arbor he had let down. “Do they want to kill me?”
“Some do, most are sympathetic, however,” Dr. Wiloughby reassured Steven. “There is no organized effort to get you tossed out of the church. Not yet, anyway. You do have an assignment tonight when you get to your room. I need a statement for the media. Dr. Singleton and I are doing a press conference tomorrow morning, while your at the airport. We need to make remarks to the media and we need to give you some privacy as you get out of town. Can you do that?”
“Sure.” Steven paused. “Dr. Wiloughby, can you pray for me?”
“I’d be honored.” Dr. Wiloughby put his arm around Steven. “Lord, I bring Steven before you. None of the events that have transpired in his life are a surprise to you. Your eyes see it all. Yet, Father, You love him with an everlasting love. You’ve drawn him with your loving kindness as Your Word says in Jeremiah 33. I thank you for what’s happened, Lord. It hurts. Steven is in a great deal of pain. But the breaking needed to happen for You to get the glory out of life that is waiting for Your healing touch.
“Father, bring that healing now. I place Steven under Your wings and ask for grace and mercy in Montana while he’s gone. Use the counselors and other residents to move Steven toward healing and wholeness. Bless Heather and Breeanna in the days to come. Protect this family. Make it stronger than it ever has been. Keep them safe amidst the turmoil around them now.
“Lord, Steven Hassmann is Your child. Hold him, surround him with You love. Let him know deep in his spirit that You have not left him alone. In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.
Dr. Wiloughby continued as the car pulled up in front of his motel room. “Steven, remember the first day I met you? I asked you a question. Do you remember it?”
“Why am I here?”
“Right. Steven, you thought you answered the question. ’I’m going to be important and famous. I’ll be a pastor and achieve great things.’ Well, as we sit here today, that plan seems to have failed. But consider this phase a second chance. A do-over. You can start from scratch and try to figure out the real answer to that question. Not many people get a chance like this. You’re very fortunate.” Dr. Wiloughby hugged Steven again.
“You’re in room 27. Get some sleep. I’ll call you in the morning. Don’t forget to write out the statement.”
“I won’t. Thank you so much, Dr. Wiloughby.”
“You know what? After a night like tonight, the formality is over. Call me Marcus.”
A tiny proud smile came to Steven’s face. “Ok, Marcus.”
Steven opened the door of the car and made his way to the motel room. One of the guards had checked him in and stood waiting at the door to unlock it.
Steven chuckled at the ridiculousness of the scene. “Wake-up call at 6, James. And make sure my bath is drawn for me.” He said sarcastically to the guard, who laughed, obviously appreciating the joke. Steven was handed a small shoulder bag, which had a change of clothes and toiletries. He entered the room and closed the door.
Steven surveyed the scene. A typical motel room, like the ones he’d stayed in a thousand time before. One full size bed with a desk by the window. One thing was missing - the television. No chance to see any X-rated movies tonight. Or, Steven thought, the news reports of what’s going on. Steven grabbed a piece of the stationery in the room and began writing his remarks, as Marcus had asked him to.

Dr. Singleton and Dr. Wiloughby stood at a podium at the Convention Center, ready to defend themselves against the onslaught the media was ready to throw at them. There were nearly three hundred media credentials passed out for the press conference, more than five times the number requested for the convention before the firestorm kicked up last night. The crowd quieted down as Dr. Singleton took the microphone and began to speak.
“Ladies and gentleman, members of the press, I want to thank you all for coming. As you may already know, my name is Dr. Ray Singleton, and I am on the board of Directors for the National Evangelical Union. I will be making some remarks here this morning, as well as reading a statement from Rev. Hassmann, which I will be making available to you after this is over. We will not be taking questions at this time. We only have a few minutes for you today and, as you can imagine, there are several other pressing matters to tend to right now.
“This morning follows a hard night of shocking revelations about our president-elect, Reverend Steven James Hassmann. He has been a man of great honor and wisdom, faithfully serving Spring Arbor Community Church for nearly nineteen years. He has advised local and national political leaders, preached in numerous other countries and been a leading voice for moral change in our nation, through our organization and others.
“We as a board were, as you can well imagine, the most shocked of all to hear of Rev. Hassmann’s decision to visit a known sex house yesterday afternoon, on the heels of his being named president of our organization. He has admitted to us as a board of directors that he was there, though with the videotape that Chicago police have in their possession, it’s hard to deny. He has shown genuine repentance for his actions. Rev. Hassmann has recounted to us a long standing struggle with pornography and sexual addiction. This is not, unfortunately, a random event.
“Because of this, and his obvious need for counseling and recovery, the National Evangelical Union will not retain Steven Hassmann as its president as the organization moves forward. Dr. Yung Tan, our out-going president, will remain on in an interim role, until a new president can be found.
“Rev. Hassmann is a good man, who understands the grave need to get his life, family, and ministry in order. He is going to be entering a rehabilitation program for sexual addiction immediately, where all parties concerned hope he receives the help he needs to move forward with his life.
“At this time, I’d like to read Rev. Hassmann’s statement to you -
Dr. Singleton removed a single piece of lined paper from his portfolio case.
“I wish to thank all of you who have been praying for me since news of what I have done has surfaced. I have a serious problem which stems back to my childhood. I have heard from those I respect the most that I need to fix my life, and that is what I intend to do.
To my church family in Spring Arbor, and those to whom I have poured out my heart over the last twenty years, I am sincerely sorry for the pain and deception I led you through. It was never my intention to do this to you, and wish I never had. I have written a separate letter to the elder board at Spring Arbor church, resigning my role as pastor there effective immediately. I know I cannot resume my ministry functions there, because of the great wound I have inflicted. I pray the church goes on from here, stronger than before. And it will, because it is God’s church, not mine.
I ask the media to be kind and to leave my family alone. My wife and my daughter do not need to live under the microscope you so often perpetrate on those closest to a story like this. They have been through enough in the last twelve hours. Please give them space.
To conclude, I’d like to share a verse that I found that menas a lot to me in this time of great searching. It is Micah 7, verses 8 and 9: ‘Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the Lord’s wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes me right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness.’.
“Thank you all who pray for me. May God bless you.”
“Folks,” Dr. Singleton continued, “that’s all we have. No questions today, as I mentioned. We will give you more information as it’s made available. Thank you.”
Though there were no questions being answered, it didn’t stop the throng of media members from firing a loud roar at the two men as they hurriedly left the stage area.
“I hope Steven made it to the plane alright,” Dr. W asked. “I hope this was enough of a diversion.”
“We’ll find out,” Dr. Singleton answered.

It had been. No media followed Steven as his car made its way onto the tarmac toward his waiting plane. He was greatly relieved. He didn’t sleep much and he was concerned what he might say or do if a reporter got a little too close or said the wrong thing. As he was approaching the plane, a second car was coming out onto the landing strip from the opposite direction. Steven thought it might be Marcus or Dr. Singleton coming out to see him off. As Steven opened the door and stepped out, the other car’s back door opened, too.
It was Heather and Breeanna.
Steven dropped his duffelbag and ran across the lot and embraced his wife and daughter. Tears of joy and sorrow flowed freely once again. Steven kissed them both.
Steven looked at Heather. “I can’t believe you’re here. I mean, last night...”
“I know. Look, Steven, I’m not ready to forgive you. I can’t go there. But I wanted to see you before you left to let you know that we’re not leaving.”
Steven cried more as she announced her decision. “I’m so glad. Oh, I’m so glad!” He hugged them both again and again.
“We said for better or for worse. I guess this is worse. But I trust you enough to know that you want your life and us to be better.”
“Oh, yes!” Steven exclaimed.
“Dr. Wiloughby called me last night and helped me through some things with all this. I don’t really understand it. But he told me about Montana and how you’re eager to fix all this. So I’ll stand by you. We’ll see how it all works out.”
“I am so glad, Heather. I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you.” Steven looked at his beautiful daughter. “And you...I’m just so, so sorry!”
“Dad, I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I want you to be better. So I’m proud of you for going to Montana.”
Steven hugged Bree again.
“Excuse me, sir,” the pilot stuck his head out of the door of the plane. “We are cleared for take-off. We need to go.”
Steven took one last look at his ladies, gave them another hug and kiss and started to board the plane.
“I wish I’d been honest with you guys. Right from the start. I’ll do better. I’ll make it right.”
Steven kissed Heather one final time, then the plane was sealed up behind him. Heather and Bree got back into their car and drove off to safely watch the take-off from inside the hangar. Inside the car, Bree began to sob at the thought of losing her daddy. Heather held her strongly, comforting her. Though she needed just as much, if not more comforting, at the thought of losing her soulmate. These would be tough days ahead, Heather concluded.
As the plane climbed into the sky, Steven pulled a notebook from his bag. Marcus had encouraged him during a brief phone call this morning to start a journal, writing out his feelings so he could better understand them. In all his years, Steven had never journaled. Since he was starting over in many ways, now seemed like the perfect time to start.

Hi! I’m not really sure if I should say hello, or address it “Dear Journal” or what I’m supposed to do. Does it really matter? This is my journal. No one else is going to read this, right? Or maybe they will at the camp I’m going to and figure out my deepest darkest secrets. Right now I’m on a plane heading for Montana. What’s in Montana? Liberty Hill, a live-in program for guys that have screwed up their lives. Dr. W said there are drug addicts, alcoholics, guys who have been suicidal. I wonder how many guys like me there will be? I’m not proud of how I destroyed things back home. I think I got in over my head and I didn’t have the balls to step up and say I had a problem. I’m glad I got found out. It’s like I needed to get caught so things could get fixed. I’m glad Heather and Bree came to say goodbye. She told me she wasn’t leaving. Thank God for that. I’m not sure what I’d do without her. I don’t tell her I love her enough. She’s so great and I ignore her to spend my time with some girl on my computer that wouldn’t know me or care about me if I fell over her in the street. It would be easy to say just love her. Be a good husband. But I have no idea how to do that. I’m scared I can’t be what she needs and no matter what I do, I’m going to fail. I hope I can figure some of this stuff out while I’m in Montana.
The pilot just said we’re going to land in a few minutes. The trip was nearly two hours and I only wrote this much. I’m not really slow. I just spent a lot of time watching out the window. The Rockies are beautiful this time of year, with the snow on them. It’s hard to believe they’re real. It’s like I’m looking at a painting or something. I love flying. Traveling. Always have. I don’t know why. Something in me just loves being up here. I want to go tell the pilot to go back around to Chicago one more time so I can see the views all over again. Well, we’re going to land. Got to get the seat in an upright position.

The original plan was to fly into the airport in Helena, then take a car to the camp, about an hour and a half away. With all the commotion happening in Chicago, Dr. Singleton didn’t want to take any chances with Steven getting beaten up by reporters brave enough to beat the plane to the airport. So they diverted the plane to a small landing strip about twenty miles away, in Greeley. The manager at the Helena airport said the plane could fly into Greeley and no one, not even the people who run the traffic tower there, would notice. He wasn’t too far off.
The small plane skidded to a stop at the end of a bumpy asphalt runway. Large piles of freshly plowed snow lined both sides of the runway. It looked beautiful out there, Steven marveled as he continued to look out the window as the plane came to a complete stop.
“Well, Steven, it looks pretty out there. It snowed eight inches last night and this morning. But now, as you can see, the sun is out and it should be a nice December day. Current temperature at Helena airport is 11 degrees above zero.”
Eleven degrees? Oh, man! I don’t have a winter coat, Steven responded. Wait a minute, he thought. They were miles from Helena. Maybe the temperature moderates a little out here.
“Current temperature here at Greeley is 7 above zero.”
AARGH! Steven sank down in his seat. A winter full of this? It was like being sentenced to the Gulag during the Cold War.
The door of the plane swung open and a blast of frigid air filled the main compartment. Steven almost ducked under the seat to avoid it. Then a large man walked up the stairs to enter the plane. He had a bushy white beard and wore a big flannel shirt. No coat, huh, Steven noticed. Must be a native.
“Welcome to Montana, Steven.” The welcome wagon said.
“Thanks. I’m a little cold. I’m a little underdressed for...”
“Don’t worry,” and with that Steven was presented with a large black and green parka that probably had the equivalent of one hundred feather pillows in it. “Wear this. It’s standard issue for guys at Liberty Hill.”
“So you are the welcome wagon, huh?”
“That would be me, friend. Clyde Norris. I’m one of the counselors at the camp.” Clyde shook Steven’s hand. Steven felt like Clyde’s grip would tear his hand off.
“So how far away from the camp are we?” Steven asked trying to get his bearings.
“It’s about an hour due west. We should get there by nightfall.” Clyde estimated, looking at his watch.
“An hour? Nightfall?” Steven looked at his watch. “It gets dark here at 3 in the afternoon?”
“Oh, no,” Clyde responded slyly. “The camp is an hour due west. We’re going two and a half hours due east first.”
Clyde picked up Steven’s bag and hurried off toward the parking lot. Steven could barely keep up, between the pace of Clyde’s walking and the thin air at the high altitude. Clyde threw open the back hatch of his SUV, a white Explorer with four wheel drive, a necessity in the peaks with the frequent snowfall. He spun around and jumped into the driver’s seat. Steven was amazed that a man so large could move with that kind of agility. Steven tried to move with the same fire, but was too easily winded.
“Ready to go?” Clyde asked with a smile.
“Sure,” a winded Steven responded.
The two men pulled out of the parking lot and headed toward the mountains. Up and up they climbed. At times it seemed like the truck was climbing at a 90 degree angle. Up and around windy roads paved into the side of smaller, less formidable mountains the twosome traveled. Many of the corners were washed out with drifted patches of snow. Clyde had gone around those passes a thousand times. He handled everyone like he knew they were coming.
Clyde and Steven went through a twisty section between two mountains that, wit the high pine trees, seemed to block out the sun. Then, as they rounded the last bend, Steven saw it. The Rocky Mountains parted ways before them and the mighty expanses gave way. What laid before them was hundreds and hundreds of miles of the most gorgeous view Steven had ever seen. High peaks set one by one beside each other. The recent snows in the valleys were only shadows of what had been happening above 15,000 feet for two months. It looked like someone had come along and sprinkled dust on top of the mountains. Dusted? More like dumped. Some of those peaks had ten to twenty feet added to their totals just in the last day!
Clyde brought the SUV to a stop at a scenic overlook on the road. Clyde jumped out, took a deep breath the likes of which only a veteran of the mountains could take. He walked away from Steven and the truck and leaned on a wooden beam railing. Steven just continued to marvel at the scene that lay before him.
“It’s beautiful, ain’t it?” Clyde asked in his customary drawl.
“Yeah,” Steven was practically speechless.
“Just take it all in, Steven,” Clyde instructed. “Just take it all in.”
The two stood on top of the peak for nearly thirty minutes, just reveling in the majesty of the scene.
“I bring all the new guys up here before we go to the camp.” Clyde finally broke the silence. “You know why?”
Steven shook his head ’no’.
“Most people will see the mountains and the valleys. The snow. The forests. You know what I see? Endless possibilities. You know Isaiah 55?”
“Yeah,” Steven answered. “The prophet says God’s ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts.”
“It’s like our vision,” Clyde continued. “We see our daily events. Bills to pay, work to do. The same old stuff day after day. But that’s how WE see it. God sees so much more. The ups and the downs, sure. But He sees how it’s supposed to be. You know how in Jeremiah 1 God says that He knew the prophet fully before God made him in his mother’s womb? That plan was God’s original glory for you, Steven. You got off track - way off track - and you wound up here. That’s what Liberty Hill is all about. That’s what my ministry here is all about. Getting you to see the future. And everything God’s put in it for you. Can you see it, Steven?”
Steven was silent. A single tear trickled down his cheek. He tried to wipe it away before Clyde could see.
“You will, friend. You will. You’ve got lots of time left. No need to push the panic button yet. Come on - your first group session is later tonight.”
Clyde put his arm around Steven as they made their way back to their SUV. It was Clyde’s job to know all the details of the new residents. He knew the pornography, the affair, the secret lifestyle. Clyde’s compassion was as big as he was. They had another two hours ahead of them before they reached the camp.

Liberty Hill sat on the top of a mountain, an altitude of about 8,500 feet. Clyde and Steven went from interstate driving to two lane road, from two lane road to one lane road, then down to a single dirt road. Clyde pointed up the side of the terrain directly before them.
“See up there?” Clyde pointed as a vague section of rock and trees. “The camp’s up there.”. Steven tried to no avail to pick out anything resembling a camp.
Hand painted signs began to line the dirt path - LIBERTY HILL, 1000 FEET. Then - LIBERTY HILL, NEXT RIGHT. As they took the right, a paved driveway picked up again. In the distance, a large log cabin building. Two smaller buildings sat off the either side. Clyde pulled the SUV up next to another smaller car in front of the main lodge.
“Welcome to Liberty Hill!” Clyde climbed out of the truck, grabbed Steven’s bag and headed for the door. “You’ve got to check in. Follow me!” Clyde seemed more interested in getting settled in than Steven did himself. Steven entered the lodge, in a half-jog to keep up with Clyde.
Steven had heard about live-in programs like this. He had even sent a couple of guys to a camp in Oklahoma. Steven was reminded of Greg Nolan. Back about eight years ago, Greg’s wife Julie turned him in. He had been drinking heavier and heavier, so much that this respected businessman was skipping meetings, lying to his family and spending thousands of dollars covering up his habit. About three weeks after entering the program, Steven received a call from Julie saying Greg had been moved to a more intensive program. Greg had become so enraged by the staff attempting to “cure” him, that he would daily get into fights and battles with other residents and staff. Whether it was a lack of alcohol or just the reality that his life was out of control, Steven never knew. But the last Steven had heard, Julie was in process to divorce Greg, who was beginning psychological testing for manic depression and a host of other mental issues. Steven didn’t know what to expect from himself. He agreed with Clyde; his life was off track beyond what he could fix. But how would they propose to get it back on track again? What would he have to admit to? Steven had never let anyone, even Heather and the associate pastors at the church, get so close. The time had come to get it right. Steven wondered if he’d have the guts.
Clyde led Steven to his room. A winding stairway led to a community bedroom with six bunks in it. The log timbers for walls and the unfinished wood bunks gave the room a real rustic feel. Clyde pointed to the bottom bunk in the corner. “You’re going to be over there.”
Clyde tossed Steven’s bag on the bed and went over to the closet to dig out a blanket and some sheets. “Now here’s the schedule for tonight. Dinner’s at 6. You’ll be on team B, so you’ve got clean-up duty this week. Next week, it switches to set-up. After you’re done, Ryan wants to meet with you. He’s the leader of the counselors and he wants to have a first meeting with you to get to know you a little bit. Then lights out is at 10:30. You’ll be up by 6. You start work at 8 in town.”
“Work? I thought this was a counseling program?”
“Yeah, but it ain’t free. You pay by working a job in town and all the money goes to pay for the program.”
“And what, pray tell, will I be doing?” Steven wondered aloud.
“B & H Construction. They need a day laborer for a roofing job.”
“Roofing? Clyde, it’s below zero out there! I’ll freeze!”
“Well, the only other position we’ve got right now is cleaning up the stables at the Equestrian Center in town. At least you’d be inside!”
Steven considered the options: on top of a roof with a nail gun, or inside with the fragrance of fresh horse droppings.
“I’ll do the construction.” Steven concluded. “That’s where I had to go when I came here the first time.”
Steven looked at Clyde amazed. “You were in the program?”
“Oh, yes. Twice!” Clyde recalled as he finished making Steven’s bed. “The first time I was only here because my parole officer told me I had to be. Stayed the three months and took off. Went right back in to drinking and partying the minute I got home.”
“So what made you come back the second time, if you don’t mind me asking?” Steven probed.
“I was driving home from a New Year’s Eve party. Drunker than a skunk. I ran a stop sign and t-boned a car going the other way. A college girl was driving home from her boyfriend’s house. Didn’t see me coming. She survived, though. She was the only one in the car. If someone had been riding shotgun, they would have died instantly. But that accident was sure a wake-up call to me. You only have to come that close once, in my opinion. That kind of deal sobers you up so quick.
“I lost my license after that, but I didn’t care. I was on the first plane back here. I checked myself back in, got clean and straight. I finished my college degree, then went back for my Master’s so I can work here. I’m only four classes away from finishing.”
“Clyde, that’s so awesome.” Steven replied, legitimately amazed at Clyde’s story.
“No. The awesome part will be when you can tell your story to someone, so they get free. You will. Trust me.”

“Good evening, everyone,” the counselor, Ryan, addressed the group of seven men sitting in a circle on simple tan metal chairs in the center of the gym floor. The basketball court was well-lit, with the hoops bookending the room. “We have a new member of our group tonight. Why don’t we go around the room quickly and introduce ourselves? Tim, let’s start with you.”
Steven listened as one by one, the other men briefly described the hell that led them to the same place Steven found himself.
“I’m Tim, I’ve been here about three months. I’d been a crack dealer and a user since my sophomore year of high school.”
“Hey, I’m Kevin and I’ve been clean six weeks and MAN! does it feel good!”
“I’m Rob. My wife found me having sex with a man in my own bed. I’ve been bisexual for eleven years.”
“I’m Rolando. My big three to get rid of are sex, drugs, and stealing. God’s dealing with me. It’s a long road, but he’s working.”
“Hi, I’m Lester. Tim mentioned crack. I was the biggest seller in Central City. But when I wanted to go clean, I couldn’t just walk away. I had to get in a program far away. Here I am.”
“Craig here. I’ve been masturbating since I was ten. I’m so freaked out about sex, I can’t have a healthy relationship. All I think about is how I’m going to have sex with them.”
The line came to Steven. He was scared to go too far in depth the first time.
“Hi, guys. I’m Steven. I’m a sex addict.” He looked at Craig. “A lot like you, I suppose.”
“Steven, don’t feel like you have to participate tonight. This is your first night seeing how we run our group. Here in the program, we try to work on one guy’s issues each meeting. I do, however, have a few questions for you.” Ryan flipped a couple of pages over on his clipboard. “Steven, when did you accept Christ as your Savior? You remember the date?”
Steven tried to think. “Well, it was my second year of college. I was in my room, watching Billy Graham. I just knew it was right.”
Ryan addressed the group. “How many of us have been impacted by Dr. Graham’s ministry, huh?” All the guys raised their hands. “So, that was the night?”
“Yep, I started on the road to being a pastor that night.”
“God called you into the ministry the same night? Wow, how did that feel?”
“Powerful. No one else understood it; my roommate, my friends...” Steven paused. “...my father. But I knew deep in my heart it was right.”
“So how had your personal walk with God been? To hear God in that way, you must really have the inside scoop.”
“God and I have always had more of a business relationship than a personal one.”
Ryan was puzzled. “What do you mean by that?”
“Well,” Steven tried to explain, “Serving the church was my job, my career. I gave everything for them. Basically, I was the COO; God was the CEO. He spoke, I listened. He commanded, I performed.”
“And you found joy from that?”
“Sure,” Steven reasoned. “There’s nothing better than seeing people in church get right with God.”
“But what about you, Steven? Are you ‘right with God’?”
Steven paused to get his answer. “Yeah, I think so. Well, of course, except for the reason I’m here. That’s not right. But I’ve done everything else on the list. I was told to be a pastor, and I accomplished a lot. Now, I’m off track, but I have to get right and back in the saddle. The church needs me.”
“And do you think you’ll get...’fired’...if you don’t shape up?” Ryan probed.
“Ryan, I was put on this earth to be a pastor. It’s what I do best!”
“You were put on this earth to do God’s purpose, sure. But being a pastor is all you’ve got?”
“What do you mean, ‘all I’ve got’? That’s enough!”
Ryan shook his head. “Oh, Steven, there’s more. So much more. It sounds to me like you came to God as an employment agency. You’re a pastor. You’ve never said to your people that they could have a “personal relationship” with Jesus Christ?”
“Of course! What kind of minister would I be if I never gave people that chance?”
“Well, it sounds like you need an altar call yourself.”
Steven stood up, offended. “Excuse me, where do you get off judging my religion? I was just elected president of the National Evangelical Union!”
“And I’m going to be perfectly honest with you,” Ryan interrupted, “No one gives a crap about who you are. To all of us, do you know who you are? A sexual addict, a hypocrite. And you’ll never get right if all you think about God is that He’s some cruel taskmaster that will fire you if the membership roles start to slip.”
“You’re an asshole. I want another counselor.” Steven stood up to leave. As he put his hand on the doorknob, Ryan broke in -
“How’s your dad, Steven?”
Steven paused for a moment. He fought back tears. The question stabbed him like a dagger.
“I said how’s your dad, Steven?”
Steven didn’t turn around. “I’m not talking about him. Back off.”
“You were never very close to him, were you? He probably worked late hours. Pushed you to succeed. I’ll bet you didn’t talk to him much. Never sought his advice. Every guy here has a father wound, Steven. It’s the biggest hurdle you face here. He wouldn’t know about your problems if you smacked him in the face with them, would he? Does he even know you‘re here?”
Steven wiped the tears from his eyes. “No.”
“Why not? Embarrassed he’ll figure out you’re a porn-maniac?”
“BECAUSE HE’S DEAD, you son of a bitch, all right? HE’S DEAD!” Steven ran out of the gym and down the dirt path. Ryan followed out into the parking lot, where the moon and one single street light lit the way.
“Steven, WAIT!” Ryan ran up to Steven and grabbed him by the arm. “You can’t run away now.”
“The hell I can’t!” Steven fumed. “All I want is for you to put me back together so I can get back in the pulpit. If you can’t do that, then I’m on the next flight back to Spring Arbor. You hear me?“
“I hear the sound of someone who needs God to touch them. I hear the sound of a broken man who needs healing and is determined that he alone knows how to solve the problem. You know as well as I do that the answer to your life is not in trying to put the pieces back together. It’s resting in God. It’s discovering that place in Your life that God hasn’t been allowed to go into and open the door.”
Ryan continued. “Seems to me that you serve God the way you served your dad. Obligation. Duty. Blind service. I don’t see any joy in you. If you had pleasure in your work for God, why’d you have to turn to porn? God is supposed to be the center of your joy? Do you even like being a Christian? Do you LIKE being a pastor?”
Steven remembered the discussion he had had with Dr. W the day they met. Dr. W had said that many will do their jobs and hate them. Somehow, Steven had become one of them. When did THAT happen?
“No. I hate it. The pressure. Having to be perfect all the time. It’s hell, Ryan.”
“And you turned to porn as a pressure valve so you could deal with the daily grind. I get it, man. Each man here used their addiction as an escape. But listen - if you’re really going to be free, you have to face your fears head on. You’re going to have to stare down the enemy with God’s power and say, ‘This far and no farther’.
“I have no idea how to draw on that power. I preach about it all the time. I’m so empty. I just feel like a hole, a big black hole!“
Ryan put his arm around Steven. “Would you like me to pray for you?”
Steven thought it would look stupid, a pastor praying to have Jesus come in for the first time, but as he looked at Ryan, he knew this was the place to start. “I’m not sure what to say to him. I need Him and I‘ve been so wrong for so many years!” Steven started to cry again.
“Don’t worry, Steven. I’ll start and if you want to add anything, you can. No pressure.”
Ryan knelt down on the dirt pathway and invited Steven to do the same. Ryan held Steven’s hands and spoke just loud enough so that only the two of them could hear.
“Jesus, I thank you for Steven...for Pastor Steven. Lord, I bring Him before you now. He knows he’s made a mess of the life you’ve given to him. But I can tell he wants to get things right. He is just so messed up right now that he doesn’t know where to begin. Lord, You are a God of order, not disorder. You want us all to be submitted to You. Your word says to seek You first and Your righteousness and You’ll add all things to our lives. God, Steven allowed a lot of unrighteousness in. We slam the door on it. We break agreement with all the enemy has spoken to him over the years. All of it is a lie and we reject it all away. Jesus, You are truth. Fill Steven’s life with only Your truth.
Steven several times had to stop holding his counselor’s hands to wipe away tears. His face was read and swollen from the outpouring of emotion. Ryan had stopped praying for a moment. Then he looked up at Steven.
“Steven, I don’t know what you believe about prophecy or words of knowledge, but I just believe God wants to speak to you. Has God ever given you a special word? For yourself? For another?“
“I’ve never heard a voice. He can speak through the Bible, but he doesn’t talk directly to me. He doesn’t do that anymore.“
“That’s another lie of the enemy. Sure, He does. I just don’t think you’ve ever stopped to listen. Go ahead, be still and listen to hear if He gives you counsel tonight.“ Steven felt a little awkward, but in the short time he’d known Ryan, he trusted him. Steven had so many things swirling around in his head, it was difficult to stop and clear his mind. It must’ve taken close to ten minutes. Suddenly, Steven’s face brightened. The tears came again; but this time they were tears of joy, not shame. A look of amazement came over Steven’s face as he began to share. “He says He’s proud of me for coming here. He’s wants me to be healed. He says...” Steven paused to catch his breath. Ryan started to cry under the weight of the words Steven was revealing. “God says I’m going to soar on eagles wings. He’s going to lift me up to a higher place. I’m going to soar! And...wow! Oh, wow! He said He loves me! He loves me!”
“Don’t sound so surprised, Steven. Of course, Jesus loves you!”
“Yeah, but I’ve never heard Him say it TO ME! He loves ME!!!” Steven was free. He could feel the freedom in his heart. Ryan could see the chains being broken over Steven. Only God could do something like this. It was awesome.
“Can we sing a song?” Steven asked Ryan.
“Sure. Which one?”
Steven began -
Jesus love me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak, but He is strong.
Ryan joined Steven on the chorus -
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so.
The two men remained kneeling on the ground in the cold for almost an hour, rejoicing that Steven had broken apart. Ryan was now excited for the new life that would emerge.
“Merry Christmas, Heather.” Steven’s voice was warm and kind.
“Oh, Steven! I didn’t expect you to call until much later.”
“Well, I got done with my chores early and I wanted to watch some of the football game, so I thought I’d get you now. How’s Bree?”
“She’s good. She wanted to get away for a few days. You remember Ashley, from down the street? Her parents were going to the mountains for the week, and she asked if she could go. It’ll be good for her. She hasn’t seen Ashley since we...since we left.”
“Yeah. It’s hard to believe it’s been six weeks already. I feel like I just got here.” Things have been happening so fast!”
“Steven, I want you to know how proud I am of all you’re doing. I know it’s got to be scary to deal with everything.”
“You tell me that every time we talk. I know you are, sweetheart. You don‘t have to repeat it all the time.”
“Yes, I do. Because it’s the truth. Remember you told me you always want the truth reinforced over and over? There it is.”
“I suppose. Hey, they’re talking about a family day, where you and Bree could come up to see what’s happening here. Doesn’t that sound great?”
“Yeah...great.”
“Heather, what is it?”
“I don’t know...I’m just not sure Bree would want to come.”
“Really? When I’ve talked to her on the phone, she always says she can’t wait to see me come home, and I...”
“It’s just not a good time, Steven.”
“I guess. I just don’t understand how...”
“Steven, just leave it alone, OK? The time’s just not good.”
“All right, I’ll back off.”
“I’m scared, Steven.”
“What are you scared of?”
“You. I mean, I just don’t know what to do with you. I’m not leaving you. I promised you and Bree. This will not destroy our family. But I’m feeling so many different things - I love you, but I hate you for what you’ve done, but you feel like a stranger to me because you’re becoming this man out there that I don’t even know. When you come back and God has changed you and you‘re this different man you say you are, will I even LIKE you?”
“Well, Heather, I like myself. I never have been able to say that before. I haven’t masturbated since I got here. I don’t need to. I used it to make myself feel better. Now if I’m a little down or angry, I pray. I talk to the guys around here. I write you letters. Do you like the guy who’s been writing you letters?”
“Oh, yeah. But how do I know you’ll be like that while you’re in the program and when you get back here you’ll fall into the same old traps?”
“Heather, you’ve just got to have faith in me. Listen, I’m not going to give you a line and say I’ll never slip up and fall. But...I don’t know how to say it. It’s not something I can just talk about. I’ll just have to come home and live it in front of you and Bree and prove myself to you. I want to do that.”
“I do, too. We need you home. Have you given any more thought about what you’re going to do?”
“Well, like I told you before, I’m not pastoring again. No one in Spring Arbor could respect me. I’ve broken too much trust. I just don’t think that’s what He wants for me.”
“Well, when you get the revelation, can I be the first to know?”
“You’ve got it. Hey, my time’s almost up. Can I pray with you?”
“Yeah, Steven. You know, I love it that you pray with me. You pray with such authority now. I know God hears you.”
“He does. Especially now that I believe He really hears me. Let’s pray. Well, Father, we thank you for Christmas Day. We thank You for Your Son, Jesus, who came to us on this day. We know, God, it was no easy thing. But He came to seek and to save that which was lost. Both of us are eternally grateful to You, Lord, for setting us free, setting our feet on the Rock, and giving us a hope and a future. Just two months ago, everything seemed lost and finished. But now You have lit the way and we are Yours alone. Bless my wife, Jesus. Give her peace and joy, even while I’m gone. And bless her for her commitment to me, even though I don’t deserve it. Keep her strong with Breeanna, God. I know she’s a handful at 14. Help my little girl to be full of security, that Daddy’s coming home soon, coming home a new man.”
“Lord, I thank you for Steven. I’m so proud of all that he’s becoming. Thank you for all we’ve been through. You know, God, I’ve cried so much I can hardly cry anymore. But I know there was a lot to break through, and You allowed us to go through it to make us better people and to draw us closer to You. Bring my husband home, Jesus, as quick as You can. I miss him.”
“Heather, sweetheart, I miss you too. Soon enough. They say if I keep on the course I’m on, I should be back by Easter. That’s only the first week of April. Not bad.”
“Maybe by then, I’ll be ready for you.”
“Well, I sure hope so. I‘ll call you next week. Will you still be in Shortville?”
“Um, yeah. I think so. We’re going to go back to Spring Arbor for a little while. you know, get some things, talk to some people. It’s easier now that things have cooled down.”
“Ryan says I should go back when I’m done here and speak to the congregation.”
“Really? Won’t that be hard?”
“For crying out loud, I’d never make it through if I had to do it today. But hopefully, by April, I’d be able to face those folks and talk freely about where I was and where I am now. I really hurt them, Heather. I can‘t believe how much I hurt them.”
“You’ve been forgiven, though. You should’ve seen the article they wrote about you this week.”
“You mean, I’m still news there? They don’t have anything better to talk about?”
“Well, you’re not front page news. You’re in the Editorial section.”
“Editorials? Why?”
“Here, let me read it to you. Where is it? Oh, yeah, right here - ‘And at this time of year, we hold to virtues that we sometimes ignore through the year, like forgiveness. Many are still reeling from Rev. Hassmann’s bombshell announcement last month. The bitterness that flowed through Spring Arbor was deeper than ever before. But Mayor Walker’s words at the Christmas tree lighting last week ring true for everyone. We are a community that holds to high standards. But when we see that one of our own has fallen short of those standards, we should use the same discretion our Lord used during his life when he said, ’Let He who is without sin cast the first stone.’ No one knows humility more than our Savior. Born in a stable to a young girl. His life was misunderstood all the way to the cross. He stood trial and was found guilty of no crime, yet was led away wrongly. We would do well to remember that those nail scars on the man who was born in the manger really belong to us. He forgives freely, we should as well’.”
“Wow! Mayor Walker said all that? He got SAVED didn’t he?”
“He didn’t write to you? He said he was going to! I thought you knew!”
“No! I had no idea!”
“Well, you’re confession started a real avalanche here. Yeah, the first couple of days everyone was out to get you. They’d argue, fight, quarrel. Then, one by one, people started to admit that they were not exactly honest, either. It was a time of purging. Including Mayor Walker. He just came to the conclusion that he’d been a politician, not a servant of the people. Then he said he read your booklet on becoming a Christian. He’d had it in his desk for years, but never read it. Something inside him moved him to read it. He did and he accepted the Lord. The town hasn’t been the same since.”
“I’m...I’m...uh..I don’t know what to say!”
“How about Romans 8:28. He’s going to make all things work together for the good. In other people. In you. In us. I still struggle with all the details. But this is God‘s plan. It‘s so clear.”
“Listen, Heather, I hate to let you go, but I’ve got three guys waiting to use the phone and I’m way over my time. Have Mayor give me a call. I need to talk to him.”
“I will. And I’ll have Bree call next time. She does want to talk to you.”
“Absolutely. Heather?”
“Yes, Steven?”
“Merry Christmas. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”

The winter in Montana seemed to get colder and colder. Ice formed everywhere; snow blew across the camp like fresh sheets being thrown over a bed. Sitting in the dining hall, you could hear the wind howl off the mountains, through the valley and between the buildings. The main lodge took the load of the wind rather easily. The bunk house was not so kind. Lying in bed at night was tough on all the guys. The two story building was sure warm enough, but it was little comfort when the gusts would make the room sway and the windows shake. A couple of nights got so bad that the men grabbed their blankets and all slept on the floor in the entranceway. They did for a couple of nights before one of the guys deduced that if they stayed on the first floor, and the building DID collapse from the weather, they’d all be sitting ducks. Steven was among them. Somehow after that first night with Ryan, he had seen things with a different eye. He didn’t mind doing a little extra work, picking up for other guys who got sick or were tired. In fact, when the wind kicked up one night in particular, Steven grabbed the tools and reinforced some of the upstairs windows that were coming apart.

Half-way point of NaNoWriMo!

2005-11-16T07:14:00.000-05:00

Hey, everyone! Well, I'm actually a day past the half-way point, and I wanted to write a little editorial and share an update with you. Currently, I'm at 26,197 words, well on my way to making it to 50,000 by the end of the month. I'm pleased with where the story is going so far. If you have checked it out, it's clear that it needs refining. I've found some story line that I've started (the Bonnie and Bryan thing for instance) either need to be fleshed out a little, or dropped. Subsequent drafts will figure that out for me, I suppose.

I've made an editorial decison here, with the help of my friend Steve Hayford. I'm going to remove the past entries from this site. I really didn't think about this as I was writing it - but I'm posting this stuff up on the web for anyone to possibly look at. As I've been diving more into Steven's character, I'm noticing his life is getting more and more perverted. I've been concerned that it's too graphic for my audience. How about throwing it all up on the web where anyone, without a filter, can read it? No good. So, if you're interested in reading the back story, you can e-mail me at darren.barkman@gmail.com and I'll send it to you, so you can read it privately.

As far as going forward, here's the next installment. From here, Steven's life should be looking up -

“Heather, it’s Steve. Are you there?“ Steven inquired after the beep began recording a message. “Honey, I want to talk to you. Heather, I don’t know what’s...“
The answering machine shut off, but the phone didn’t hang up. Heather picked up the phone. She was silent for a moment on the other end. Then Steven could hear Heather breathing heavy, trying to control the tears.
“I’m here, Steven.“
“Good. Listen Heather, I don’t know what you saw or heard, but you’ve got to give me a chance to explain! I love you!“
“BULLSHIT!“ Heather screamed into the phone. Steven had never heard her swear before. It was startling. “You don’t love me. How do you sleep with other women if you love me?“
“Where did you get the idea that I slept with someone else?“ Steven tried to whisper into the phone, not wanting Dr. Singleton and Dr. Wiloughby to hear this part of the conversation. It was a futile attempt.
“Don’t play mindgames with me! April 14? Dayton? LOTSLUV? The tramp sent me a picture. She’s in your book!”
Steven’s anger rose. “Did you go into my office and use my computer? I told you that room is off limits to you and Breeanna! You have no right being in there!”
“I have a right to know when my husband’s having sex with another woman! Are there any others? How about today? Where were you today? Who were you with?”
Steven was feeling more and more like a cornered animal. He could feel the blood pressure rising. “Look, I’m not going to do this over the phone. I’ll come home tomorrow and I’ll straighten the whole thing out. Trust me.”
“Trust?” Heather yelled. “I’m going to trust you? You told me when I found you with those magazines that you were throwing them out and not going to act out sexually anymore. You said it was a phase and you were done. That’s was a load of crap, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it?”
Steven couldn’t answer. He couldn’t refute the truth. Heather’s strength was growing. She was not crying anymore.
“There are thousands of pictures on the hard drive in your office. You still have a stack of magazines in your desk drawer. And now I find you’re actually having sex when you’re out of town. You’ve been lying to me the whole time. Our marriage is one big lie.”
Steven still couldn’t answer her. But his silence was answer enough.
“Bree and I are leaving. We’re going to Ruth Ann’s in Shortville.”
“For good?” Steven asked quietly.
“I really don’t know. I never thought I would consider divorce until tonight. When I’ve talked to girls who talk about it, I always said, ’Divorce is never an option.’. But I guess that changes when it hits you this close.”
“I do love you, Heather. I always have.”
Heather started to cry again. “Stop saying that. You can’t love me and hurt me like this.”
“Heather, please, I...”
“I’ve got to go, Steven. Goodbye.”
Steven closed his phone and stared at the wall in disbelief. He was in shock. Steven tried to cover his tracks as he turned around to face the doctors again.
“My wife. She’s under a lot of stress.”
Dr. Singleton got right in Steven’s face. “She’s on to you, son. We’re on to you. You are out of control! You need help! A lot of help!“
“I’m telling you - I’m not an addict! What’s the big deal? I like to look at women. What man doesn’t?”
“This is not healthy,” Dr. Wiloughby said, shaking the pictures of the Rubber Goddess at Steven. “This is perversion! For any man, it’s sick and twisted; much less for a man of supposed godly character! If you don’t get control of it, it’s going to destroy you. It’s starting to destroy you now!”
Steven turned away from Dr. Wiloughby, staring into the corner.
“Marcus,” Dr. Singleton asked Dr. Wiloughby. “What’s the name of that residential place in Montana for sexual addicts?“
“The ranch? I think it’s called Liberty Hill. Do you want me to call?“
“Yes, I’d like to make a reservation for Steven.” Dr. Singleton summarized. “We can get him on the first flight out tomorrow morning. I’ll pull some favors and get him admitted.
“Steven, I already talked to my lawyer. If we inform the police that you’re going to the treatment program, they’ll take your statement and release you; you won‘t face the public lewdness charges. You’d be released to us to transfer you to the program. Meanwhile, Marcus, we can hold the press conference in the morning and try to explain what‘s going on...”
“Would you like to let me have a say in all this?” Steven interjected. “You can’t just ship me off to some no man’s land! It‘s my life! I‘ll do what I want and I‘ll fix this my way!”
Dr. Singleton interrupted. “YOUR WAY? All right, Mr. Hassmann. You don’t want us to help you? Fine. If you want to face the cruel world by yourself,” Dr. Singleton stepped away from the door and gestured Steven toward it, “be my guest. Leave now. You’re free to go about it alone and face the consequences of your actions. But consider this: being on your own got you into this position. Living in isolation has made you into this...creature. As one of your spiritual authorities, I’m stepping in. You need this rebuke, Steven. It’s for your good.
“Look at the facts, Steven: your wife is leaving you; no doubt your daughter is emotionally damaged; you’ve ripped your ministry apart; when your congregation finds out what’s going on, they’ll all be wounded; no doubt all who supported you for leadership in the NEU will feel deceived. I don’t even know who you really are, son. Who is the real Steven Hassmann? The strong man of righteousness the world has admired for so many years; or the pervert who was jerking off in a sex shop today? You‘re destroying everything you have and everyone around you and all you want to do is fill your life with more sex! You‘re an addict, Steven! A depraved addict!”
Steven began to cry. “I can’t stop, all right? You want me to say it? I’m saying it! OK, I’m a pervert! I’m disgusting! But I love it! I love looking at girls on the internet! I love the rush I get when I see them. It makes me feel so good! And at that place today, when I was watching that girl bend her body, she looked at me and told me she wished she could do that while we were having sex. I need that! I feel so alive! So FREE!”
“But it’s sin, Steven! Don’t you see you’re being controlled by your lust? You‘re not free! It‘s bondage!” Dr. Wiloughby cried.
“I need it. I don’t know how to go without it.”
“Steven, you’ve got to figure something out. For the ake of your marriage and your ministry, if you hope to salvage anything of your future, you’ve got to come clean and get some help.”
“I know...I know...” He sat down in one of the chairs and buried his face in his hands. The crying turned to deep groaning and relieving of the weight Steven had been carrying for so many years. All the way back to that first battle of shame in the car with his first magazine. Steven had never let this emotion out. There was a lot to face. Both of Steven’s mentors put their hands on his shoulders as Steven broke down. “I hate myself! Oh, it hurts! IT HURTS!!!” Steven screamed in what seemed like physical pain.
Dr. Singleton began to pray silently as Steven broke down.
Steven continued to cry uncontrollably. His mind was racing as the pain began to surface. He knew this day had to come. It was nearly thirty years in the making. A judgment day. All of the pain and sin he stuffed down in his heart seemed to fly out all at once. And it was hurting Steven to have it rise up. He had been in counseling sessions with people who had cried in grief like this. He always seemed at a loss as to what to do. Should he pray? Talk? Sing? Leave them alone? Now that he was the one crying on the floor, he doubly didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to hear spiritual platitudes; he’d said enough of them in his life. He realized that a simple verse or a nice phrase wasn’t going to heal him. This was new for Steven. The typical religious response that supposedly made him look wise and the needy person feel better was exposed. Deep in his heart, he knew he needed a better way. But he had no idea how to find it. Steven just continued to weep.
A knock came at the door. Dr. Wiloughby left Steven’s side and opened the door just a crack. It was Nancy, his assistant.
“What’s going on, Doctor? The media knows something’s up. Where Rev. Hassmann? Who’s that crying in there?”
“Nancy, tell them all to go home. We’ll speak in the morning.” Dr. Wiloughby took a sneak peek back in the room to see Steven laying on the floor, facedown, continuing to pour out all of the hurt and sorrow from a life of hidden sin.
“All is well, dear. All is well.”

What the most recent blog entry was all about...

2005-10-29T21:53:00.000-04:00

If the most recent entry ("...Worship music is garbage...") seemed random and vague, you're not alone. I copied and pasted the article from another site. Several time I tried to add a little commentary to it so you'd know exactly what the stink you were reading. Each time I tried, the site gave me some HTML error, like I wasn't dotting all my i's and crossing all my t's. That would be fine, if I was an expert programmer and were actually writing in a computer language, not in some 10th grade template.

Anyhow, what you read was a portion of an article with Steve Bell. He's a Canadian singer-songwriter who's really talented. Go to his site and buy everything. But if you read the piece, you know he's not into a lot of this new worship music. I think he's got a lot to say about the commercialization of the church. Does it strike you as odd that big-time secular companies will sponsor Christian rock tours? Or that you'll hear car insurance commercials during syndicated worship music programs? Are they all signing off on a statement of faith, that they agree with what is being preached? Do they somehow contribute to "watering down" the message? Do singers/preachers leave the confrontational stuff in their offices so they can collect their big marketing checks? And has the Burger King theology (have it your way!) entered our music so much that we'll sing anything as long as it's being sung in church?

I like the idea that we can think about this stuff. Hey, I don't totally agree with Steve. Some of today's music is great. Simple? Maybe. Musically derivative? Often. But let's encourage those who are getting it right, instead of ripping a whole genre of music. And let's be honest - Steve worries about his songs being heard 200 years from now. Before this article was posted, had you even heard of Steve before? He may be talented, but he's no household name in the US. Not really even in Canada, where he's from.

So there it is. Now you have some background. Clear as mud, no?

Two small issues as we close:

1. don't forget about nanowrimo, starting Tuesday! I've changed the title of my book to "On the Fritz", after the song by Steve Taylor. The book will still follow a pastor on a journey of desire, just a little bit different. Enjoy starting next week.

2. I posted an article about former Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers. Well, she's out on her patootie. I'm not sure if it was a Bush strategy to put up a lightweight relatively speaking. I'm sure Harriet means well, but she just wasn't a unifying figure. I'm sure she's a nice lady. She never struck me as someone who was capable of the job. It's like your Aunt Martha was nominated. She kind of wishy-washy on abortion, same-sex
marriage, and the rule of law. She makes a killer ambrosia salad at Thanksgiving, though. Who will they run up there now? How about Judge Judy? Is Judge Wapner from the old People's Court available? Whatever happened to Rusty the Baliff, anyway?

Whoa. How'd I lose control so quickly? Be safe through Monday night. I'll catch you later for the start of Nanowrimo!

Walk with God...

I'm not the only one who thinks some worship music is garbage!

2005-10-26T11:50:00.000-04:00

Editor: Your website includes a message board where people are lamenting the lack of depth in modern worship music. You chimed in, saying that one big reason for that is "simply that the art itself has been devalued and sacrificed to the god of the seeker-friendly pop culture churches and radio stations. But when a 'lowest common denominator' aesthetic precludes any serious thought about art and excellence, the result will be music that tickles the ear and animates the body but rarely will it provide access to the interior castle wherein the King of Peace resides." That's quite a statement.

Bell: I'll be very surprised if this season isn't one of the low points in the history of music writing. It's all because of an unbridled market economy where absolutely everything gets commodified within seconds—no matter what you do, it is a product in a very short time. Everything becomes cheapened and market-driven. That's what happened in worship music—it's been commodified, and the same forces that are driving the market are driving the music. That always, always means dumbing down—it's a homogenization, a flattening of imagination. And when sales become the indicator that something is good, right away it's sort of the death of the form.
I get a little Gandhian about this sometimes. If we buy it, they'll sell it to us. But if we stop buying it, it will force them to go back to art again. As long as we're just firing our money at the industry every time they give us something with a shiny picture on the front, in the end we are still choosing this. It's really easy to get all upset about the industry or CCM, and I wish they had more scruples about art. But they don't, because it's not about art. It's about business. Fine. Then it's up to us to control. If we didn't eat at McDonald's, McDonald's would have to change. Right? If we didn't watch crap on TV, they'd give us better shows.

Editor: But that type of thinking is apparently in the minority. So how can we effect change?

Bell: I think it needs to start with the seminaries. I think pastors have to get a little bit more bold to say we do not support poor work, poor theology, poor poetry, poor melody. There's nothing about the music that's coming out that's even remotely reflective of the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. There's no mystery. There's no nothing. It's just all platitude after platitude after platitude. And half the time one line actually is not a logical flow of the last one. It's just bizarre—but it sounds right, so everybody goes for it.
I get very upset about this whole thing. I have a very difficult time going to church because I can barely get through the worship part. And I'm finding that there's more of us than you think. People are feeling like, "What's wrong with me? I hate this music." Well, that's because it's not sustaining music. It's not leading us into the mystery of God—or the mystery of humanity and human interaction and suffering and joy.

Editor:You're on a roll. What else concerns you about modern worship?

Bell: Another part of the problem is the cult of the young, letting 17-year-olds write worship songs. I'm not saying that young people can't write great music. But for the most part, great music takes work, and it takes discipline and it takes years. And our culture will not reward that work for the most part.
My own story illustrates it perfectly. About 10 years ago, a Nashville A&R guy got hold of my music and loved it and shopped to several major record labels. He was in tight with all these record companies. Two weeks later, he calls and he's all embarrassed. "I'm sorry," he says. "Nobody listened to your music. Every meeting started with the question 'How old is he?' And when I said 'Thirty-five,' you were done." I was dismissed by five major record labels because I was 35 years old. He could not convince one of them to break cellophane and listen to a CD, just on the basis of my age.

Editor: That's incredible.

Bell: Isn't that stunning? I think that was the point where I went, "OK, this is not a community that it's going to bother me that I've been passed by."

Editor: Let's get back to your message board. You said you'd asked some songwriters what they'd been reading lately, and you got a bunch of blank stares.

Bell: Yeah. I was with a bunch of songwriters. I won't say who, but you'd know a bunch of them. Anyway, I was just very keen to find out what they were drawing on. It wasn't a sucker punch at all. I was just looking for good leads.
There was one fellow who's turned out a lot of songs, and the guy just didn't read. I think that says something when you're supposed to be a person who is making, ostensibly, meaningful music. I want to ask, "What are you drawing from?" For someone who's supposedly doing meaningful art to not be in the discipline of reading, I don't know . . .

Unmasking Halloween

2005-10-25T06:50:00.000-04:00

As Halloween comes around next Monday, I wanted to post an article talking about the truth behind the holiday, I'm amazed at Christians that don't know this stuff, or worse ignore it. We are wise to know the history and talk about it when ever we can. Since our oldest daughter, Carissa, was a baby, we have attended a "Fall Fun Fest" at church. This year we're attending a new church which has "Hallelujah Night". For the first time, our children will wear costumes (three little kittens), in keeping with the theme of God's creation at the event. We had to think long and hard about the dress-up thing. But we were pro-active and told them what their doing and why. I've had the slip-up calling it Halloween many times. I'm not sure if that's because I'm so used to calling it that, or my paradigm hasn't changed yet. Either way, my girls are adorable and going to a costume party which celebrates our Creator which just happens to be on October 31.

Some (like my brother and sister-in-law) will be determined to have absolutely no part in anything. Some, like us, will do an alternative dress-up thing. Regardless of how far you go or don't go - and that is a matter between God and your family - you have to understand what you're confronting. To that end, here is a very complete discussion of the history of Halloween. Thanks to Crosswalk.com for publishing and Dr. Williams for his scholarship.

Unmasking Halloween: Is it just harmless fun?
Dr. J.L. Williams
New Directions International

It is fast approaching that day of the year when our children go through their annual Dr. Jekyll—Mr. Hyde metamorphosis from little cherubs to spooks, ghosts, goblins, ghouls, witches and vampires.

They will excitedly attend school Halloween carnivals where they will bob for apples, fish for prizes and prowl through a “haunted house” amidst shrieks and screams of fearful delight. Later they will go from door to door “trick or treating” in their neighborhood. They will be greeted by scowling pumpkin jack-o-lanterns, scary dangling skeletons, and flying witches on brooms.

They will hopefully be met by generous hosts who will fill their bags with candy, gum, cookies, popcorn and a host of other goodies that will make their next visit to the dentist a real nightmare! Yes, it’s Halloween time again!

It all seems like such harmless fun—but is it? I have had my own private war with Halloween for a number of years now. Frankly, I don’t think I’m really winning, but I will continue the fight! “But why?” you may be thinking. “Do you want to deprive those little kids of all that fun and excitement? It’s all just innocent, harmless fun!”

Fun? Perhaps. Innocent? Hardly! I enjoy fun as much as the next guy, as anyone who really knows me will quickly affirm. But I also know that not all fun is “innocent fun.” A lot of people’s fun is at someone else’s expense. For other twisted minds, “fun” has an element of perversion, like putting hallucinogenic drugs in candy or razor blades in apples! So there is FUN and there is fun.

Because of the historical roots of Halloween, I cannot see it as innocent, innocuous fun. It is a basic principle of life that the origin of something determines its nature. The Bible says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father …” (James 1:17). It also says that Satan masquerades as an “angel of light” (2 Cor. 11:14). He is the master counterfeiter! That means that he makes evil look good . . . perversion look pure ... and a lie look like the truth. He is a Master of his trade and he has had all of history to perfect it.

Halloween’s Historical Roots

It can be easily proven from history that Halloween predates the birth of Christ by several hundred years and is firmly rooted in paganism. There are three different historical streams that have gradually converged through the centuries to form what we now know as Halloween. Let’s briefly trace each one back.

Celtic Paganism:The first stream goes back to a practice of the ancient Celtic civilization. They were a warlike people who inhabited what we know as Britain, Ireland, Wales and Scotland. A thoroughly pagan people who worshipped many gods, they were called “Gauls” by the Romans, who were defeated by them in 390 B.C.

Even though these Celts were ruled by various kings, the real power behind the throne was in the hands of the “Druids.” They were a secret, bloodthirsty priestly society who ruled by terror, sorcery and witchcraft. Even the various Celtic kings feared their black powers.

The most important religious day for the Druids was the celebration of “Samhain, Lord of the Dead.” The Celtic New Year began on November 1st. The night before, October 31st, was the night to reverence Samhain. It was the time of the falling of leaves and general seasonal decay—so the appropriate time to celebrate the “Lord of the Dead.”

They believed that on that night the Spirit world came into its closest contact with the human world. As such, it was a night when the souls of the departed dead returned to their former homes to be entertained by the living (much like ancestor worship is practiced today by many religions).

It was also a time when demonic and evil spirits came out of their shadowy nether world. If proper food, shelter and provision were not provided, these evil spirits would cast spells, wreak havoc on man and beast, and generally torment the living! If the proper “treat” was not awaiting to appease them, then they would respond with an appropriate “trick”—thus our custom of “trick or treating.”

Others, in order to fool and evade the invading spirits, would themselves dress up and masquerade as evil spirits, witches, ghosts, and ghouls. Again we can see the origin of our custom of dressing up as fiendish characters and creatures.

The perverted climax of this dark night was animal and human sacrifice to placate this “Lord of the Dead.” It was carried out by the priestly Druids who would rip the hearts out of their victims and use the blood for religious rites. They would also use the entrails and other body parts to divine the future and forecast the New Year. The remains were then burned in “bone fires,” from which we get the popular “bonfire.”

Is this some fanciful interpretation of history? Even a secular source like Collier’s Encyclopedia accurately records Halloween as a “popular secular observance … derived from the rites of the Druids celebrating the day of Samhain, when the Lord of Death called together the souls of the wicked who had died during the past year” (Vol. 12, p. 196).

Clearly then, much of our current Halloween practices have their roots in this ancient pagan Celtic religion. Even though the Celts were eventually conquered, their pagan practices never were fully rooted out of Western Europe.

When our Puritan ancestors came to America, they were far too Biblically oriented to allow such occult practices. They knew that all forms of witchcraft were strictly forbidden by God as an abomination. However, in the 18th and 19th centuries, a host of our ancestors of Celtic origin emigrated to America from the British Isles. With them came many of their ancient pagan observances and practices, including Samhain, the Festival of the Dead, or Halloween. This pagan practice took firm root in American soil and has been a widely accepted cultural tradition ever since.

Roman Roots

The Romans, along with many other ancient people, celebrated harvest time in the fall of every year. Their festival was in honor of Pomona, goddess of fruit.

The Roman general Agrippa first built a Pantheon (temple for all of their gods) in 27 B.C. It was rebuilt by the Roman Emperor Hadrain in about A.D. 100 and dedicated primarily to “Cybele” the goddess of nature. Since it was a Pantheon, many other deities were also worshipped there Thus, the Pantheon became the principal place of worship for the Romans and the place where they went to honor and pray for their dead.

When Rome fell to the invading barbarian horde of Gauls, they, too, overran the Pantheon, along with everything else. Gradually, it fell into disrepair. In A.D. 607 it was recaptured by the Emperor Phocas, who gave it as a gift to Pope Boniface IV. Boniface then re-consecrated and dedicated the Pantheon to the Virgin Mary.

So, from A.D. 609, it was used as a Christian church (Santa Marie Rotunda). It was an easy—but tragic—transition from ‘Cybele’, goddess of nature, to Mary, mother of Jesus. Every May, a major celebration was held in the Pantheon to the Virgin Mary.

Medieval Christianity

Since the Church was embraced by the Roman Emperor Constantine and made the official State Religion (Edict of Milan in A.D. 313), there has been a constant battle to keep the Church free from the influence of the pagan culture around her. Too often, as history has proven, while the Church had sought to “Christianize” the culture, she has more often been enculturated by her pagan surroundings!

Thus, syncretism (the reconciling of differing beliefs in religion) of alien and hostile ideologies has always been the great enemy of the faith. There are few more tragic examples than Halloween.

During the Medieval Period, or Dark Ages, the Church had sought to increase its influence over many pagan practices—sometimes more successfully than others. Many pagan superstitions and practices that the Church had sought to eradicate began to reappear in Europe during this period. Involvement in witchcraft again became widespread.

One of the most important aspects of witchcraft was the number of celebrations held each year called “Witches’ Sabbaths.” The most important of those was known as the “High Sabbath,” or the “Black Sabbath,” which occurred on October 31st.

It was generally a night of feasting and revelry. It was that feast that gave us many of the common paraphernalia of our Halloween like witches on broomsticks, black cats, death’s skulls and pumpkins. So much of our Halloween folklore today stems directly from this High Witches’ Sabbath that was celebrated in Europe during the Dark Ages.

There is one more tributary of the historic stream that feeds Halloween. It is the one from which the name “Halloween” itself comes.

All Saint’s Day

Very early in the life of the Church, there was a movement to honor and reverence the lives of certain church leaders and martyrs of the faith. Gradually, they were put in a special category and called “saints.” The Church father Chrysostom tells us that as early as the 4th century, the Eastern Church celebrated a festival in honor of the saints

Gradually, there were more saints than there were individual days to honor them. The solution seemed to be to consolidate the remembrance of all of them into one special day called “All Saints Day.”

Remember that I said earlier that every May a celebration was held in the Pantheon in honor of the Virgin Mary? In A.D. 705, Pope Gregory III changed the celebration of All Saints Day to November 1st. In A.D. 834, Pope Gregory IV extended the celebration to the entire Roman Church. This was an apparent attempt to coincide with the ancient Druidic festival of “Samhain.” The Church wanted to accommodate itself to the recently conquered German Saxons and Norsemen of Scandinavia. So it baptized yet another pagan celebration.

Thus, this special Church day of remembrance was called “Allhalowmas.” It was easily shortened into “All Hallow” for the “hallowed ones” or “saints” who were being remembered. The night before, October 31st, evolved into “All Hallow Evening.” It, too gradually was shortened to “All Hallow Eve,” then came the contraction “Hallows E’en,” and finally to its current form of “Halloween.”

So a day that started out as simply a remembrance of the saints progressed to a reverence for the saints and finally ended in a worship of the saints.

There was an unholy wedding then of the “saints” and “Samhain” … a union of “light” and “darkness” … a co-mingling of the “cup of the Lord” with the “cup of demons” (I Cor. 10:16-21).
These three religious and historic streams, then, have converged to form the polluted river of Halloween. Again I must say that the ultimate fountainhead of Halloween is Satan.

Innocent Fun?

Just as Satan has successfully veiled the true focus of Christmas by Santa Claus, reindeer, Christmas trees and presents, and the resurrection of Christ with Easter bunnies and Easter eggs, he has given the true pagan nature of Halloween a benign cultural veneer of respectability.

Satan is the master of deceit and disguise. His favorite deception is to convince educated people that he really does not exist. What better way for him to perpetrate the illusion that neither his person nor power exist than to make it all “innocent fun.”

Anyone who has spent time on the mission field, as I have, will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the whole realm of evil spirits and the demonic are not something to be played with. To put them in the same category as fairy tales, make-believe and mythology is spiritual suicide. This is the very real and active fallen realm of “principalities, powers, rulers of darkness and spiritual forces in heavenly places” that scripture tells us to stand against in the whole armor of God (Eph. 6:12).

When God gave the Promised Land to the early Israelites, He clearly warned them: “When you enter the land which the Lord your God gives you, you shall not learn to imitate the detestable things of those nations. There shall not be found among you anyone … who used divination, one who practices witchcraft, or one who interprets omens, or a sorcerer, or one who casts a spell, or a medium, or a spiritist, or one who calls up the dead. For whoever does these things is detestable to the Lord” (Deut. 18:9-12).

Likewise, we Christians are clearly commanded to “abstain from every appearance of evil” (I Thess. 5:22) — which I believe includes all of the trappings of Halloween.

Whenever the apostles of Christ met with people involved in fortune telling, witchcraft and the occult, the Holy Spirit firmly, swiftly and decisively dealt with them (Acts 8:9-23). When spiritual revival came to the ancient pagan city of Ephesus through the ministry of Paul, all books and paraphernalia related to the occult were destroyed: “And many of those who practiced magic brought their books together and began burning them in the sight of all; and they counted up the price of them and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So the word of the Lord was growing mightily and prevailing” (Acts 19:19-20).
The enterprising merchants of Ephesus had capitalized on the economic opportunities of the occult and witchcraft just as our contemporary businessmen have exploited Halloween into a multi-million dollar annual bonanza! Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Halloween witches are their best friends. History has proven that once something becomes culturally acceptable and economically profitable, it will remain and flourish—regardless of its origin—unless true spiritual revival comes to root it out.

Be safe in the week to come. Don't forget: National Novel Writing Month begins November 1! There's still time to register to write next month. Go to www.nanowrimo.org to find out more. And don't forget to look here for daily updates of my literary masterpiece from Nanowrimo! Am I brave to be so honest about my writing, or a self-gratifying exhibitionist? You be the judge starting next Tuesday!

Until then, walk with God...

Updates and praises...

2005-10-09T22:09:00.000-04:00

First, before I get to the point for this week, I want to tell you about what will be happening here in November. I was wandering around the internet this past spring and I found a website for National Novel Writing Month, which just happens to be November. It's not just a celebration of writers; it's the opportunity to become a writer. The object is to literally write a 50,000 word novel (about 175 pages) from the 1st to the 30th. Some 42,000 people actually completed the task last year. I hope to be one of them this year. And the best part is - I'm going to post ALL of my work in November here at True Heart Times! So you can read along with me in the whole creative process. Please be kind if you think it stinks!

Now, you know me. This won't be just some fluff to enjoy yourself while waiting for a train or something. I'm going to call it "Pastor Spike". It's going to be about a pastor who goes on the journey of desire to find his true heart. I'll use the month to develop a ministry tool that I can use to help people understand what being alive in Christ is really all about. I highly doubt what arrives on Dec. 1 will be a final draft. But a heavy first draft of a book will be a great step.

Well, that's my November. December, of course, is all about the holidays. Then comes 2006. I will be starting classes through Berean School of the Bible in January! I've talked and talked about Bible training. Now I've got an opportunity to get started...finally. The Berean School is a ministry for lay leaders to get solid Bible training on a flexible schedule. Now it's not a true Bible college or seminary. I won't get a Master's degree when I'm done. But if I follow the three levels all the way through, I'd have everything I need to be ordained through the Assemblies of God. I'm not really doing it to get a title, though. As we've discussed here at great length, I feel there are a lot of things God has in store for me and my family. I want to take the classes to be ready to do all I am called to do. I have to enrich myself so that those who rely on me down the line can count on me to be the best I can be.

Pastor Lorenzo and I were talking last week about what the church is doing and how we're all moving forward. He is putting together a network of ministries and churches on each continent to further the Kingdom of God around the world. I told Lorenzo I'm planning on doing the Bible school, not that I'm necessarily going to end up in full-time ministry, but that I'd be ready to serve. Lorenzo said, "Why wouldn't you serve full-time? The laborers are few, you know.". I had told many others pastors and leaders that I'd love to serve in full-time work. They always downplayed it, like I'm some freak who's ready to jump on the first plane to Papua New Guinea. But it's the burden of my heart to serve. There's so much left to do; why not use me? If you can use anything, Lord, you can use me! Lorenzo is the first church leader who simply said, "Let's go!" He mentioned that he'll be doing pastoral training in Africa and China next year. I pray I can go on one (or both) of those trips. God will work out the finances and the time off. God will protect Tricia and the girls. It is time to get to work! I'm so pumped that I go to a church that is so pro-active in sharing the gospel and working for his purposes. And that there seems to be a big place for us to occupy.

Also (Boy, it has been a while since I've written about all this stuff, huh?) I'm going to be a group leader at Good Fight of Faith. Anthony asked me this past Tuesday night. I, along with Jim Zipp I think, will be taking over Anthony's group, which is with the first-time guys who just start coming. Jim and I will facilitate the "getting current" with all the guys, manage the phone calls, and help these guys develop a strategy to get out of their holes. It's exciting, because now I get to really build into these guys lives. It's a main reason why I want to get a book out to continue being used.

Then, let's look a little bit at work. Starting in January, I'm going to be working full time between Rotterdam and Cobleskill. It's awesome for many different reasons: I'm not going to Albany at all during the week, I'm going to make more off of each sale. I'm not sure if there are any negatives, to be honest! I guess you can call it a promotion! September was incredibly busy. I sold 51 hearing aids! Now, October is about servicing all I sold and trying to do more so I can keep my numbers up.

WHEW! It has been pretty crazy, huh? But God has been incredibly faithful through it all. And He keeps revealing Himself in awesome ways. We're in the grip of the Master and He's leading our every step. Funny, isn't it? For seven months, I've been writing here about my desires and how I wanted God to show Himself strong and move mountains and change my life. Well, now I'm on the other side of some stuff. Sure seems different. Different church, different attitude. Free from fear. He's taken care of everything. Didn't He say He would? And He did.

Walk with God...

Just a little politics...

2005-10-05T09:52:00.000-04:00

I normally don't fire off on political issues. There are a billion blogs that do that. But when an aritcle like this comes to my attention, everyone who wanders by here should read it. Yeah, it's a left-slanted article (what do you expect from the Washington Post?), but it exposes Miers as a religious, intolerant, homophobe with a wacko "Jesus agenda". In other words, call your Congressman and tell them to vote "YES" on her nomination.

Church ties could shed light on Miers’ thinking Faith in Jesus has shaped court pick’s personal values

By Michael Grunwald, Jo Becker and John Pomfret

The Washington Post
Updated: 8:01 a.m. ET Oct. 5, 2005

One evening in the 1980s, several years after Harriet Miers dedicated her life to Jesus Christ, she attended a lecture at her Dallas evangelical church with Nathan Hecht, a colleague at her law firm and her on-and-off boyfriend. The speaker was Paul Brand, a surgeon and the author of "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made," a best-selling exploration of God and the human body.
When the lecture was over, Miers said words Hecht had never heard from her before. "I'm convinced that life begins at conception," Hecht recalled her saying. According to Hecht, now a Texas Supreme Court justice, Miers has believed ever since that abortion is "taking a life."
"I know she is pro-life," said Hecht, one of the most conservative judges in Texas. "She thinks that after conception, it's not a balancing act -- or if it is, it's a balancing of two equal lives."
Hecht and other confidants of Miers all pledge that if the Senate confirms her nomination to the Supreme Court, her judicial values will be guided by the law and the Constitution. But they say her personal values have been shaped by her abiding faith in Jesus, and by her membership in the massive red-brick Valley View Christian Church, where she was baptized as an adult, served on the missions committee and taught religious classes. At Valley View, pastors preach that abortion is murder, that the Bible is the literal word of God and that homosexuality is a sin -- although they also preach that God loves everybody.
White House spokeswoman Dana Perino declined to comment on Hecht's recollection yesterday but said President Bush did not ask Miers her personal views on abortion or any other issue that may come before the court. "A nominee who shares the president's approach of judicial restraint would not allow personal views to affect his or her rulings based on the law," Perino said.
Some religious conservatives have expressed deep dissatisfaction with the Miers nomination, grumbling that she has never taken public stands on hot-button social issues. But her friends point to Valley View as evidence that she is cut from conservative cloth. They say she's not a "holy roller" who flaunts her religion on her sleeve but she lives her faith as a born-again Christian.
"People in Dallas know she's a conservative," said her friend Ed Kinkeade, a federal district judge. "She's not Elmer Gantry, but she lives what she believes. . . . I'm like, y'all, has George Bush appointed anyone to an appellate court that is a betrayal to conservatives?"
Even in Dallas, home of groups such as the Texas Eagle Forum and the Republican National Coalition for Life, some religious conservatives say Miers, 60, has demonstrated an insufficient commitment to family values. They cited a questionnaire she filled out for a gay rights group in 1989 as a candidate for Dallas City Council, indicating that gay people should have the same civil rights as straight people and that the city should fund AIDS education and services. After her election, she appointed an openly gay lawyer to an influential city board.
‘Faith in things unseen’"For goodness' sake, why elevate AIDS over cancer? She shouldn't have filled out that questionnaire at all," said Cathie Adams, president of the Texas Eagle Forum. "President Bush is asking us to have faith in things unseen. We only have that kind of faith in God."
But on the same questionnaire, Miers opposed the repeal of a Texas anti-sodomy law and said she was not seeking the endorsement of the gay rights group. In a meeting with the group, she said that her "personal conviction is not consistent" with the "homosexual lifestyle," according to one activist's notes.
Hecht suggested that it would be difficult to attend Valley View regularly and support gay rights. At the same time, he said, Miers's faith made her more sympathetic to the struggles of others, and her duties as an at-large City Council member transcended her personal views.
"She represented those people, and she wanted to represent the whole city," Hecht said. "It doesn't mean that you approve of their lifestyle."
Hecht remembers that when Miers made partner at their law firm, the first woman ever to do so, she began to question what life was all about. He said they would often put their feet up and trade Big Questions: Is there a God? Who is He? What difference does it make? Miers had attended Episcopalian and Presbyterian churches as a girl, and her mother was religious, but Miers told Hecht she wanted a "deeper faith." Hecht believes she may have supported abortion rights at the time, although he said she had not thought about it much.
"Well, let's go to my church," Hecht told her.
That was Valley View, where Hecht played the organ and taught Sunday school. It was a church, pastor Ron Key said, that believed in "the Judeo-Christian perspective on the sanctity of life" and "the Christian perspective on marriage." There are antiabortion pamphlets inside the church and literature opposing premarital sex. Key and his wife, Kaycia, said they never asked Miers what she thought about those issues, because they never thought they had to.
"We've known Harriet for 30 years and we've never had any reason to discuss these hot topics," Kaycia Key said. "But I can say one thing: She's a totally committed Christian."
But some antiabortion activists noted that Justice Anthony M. Kennedy was described as a devout Catholic when he was nominated by President Ronald Reagan -- and he still voted to uphold Roe v. Wade . Miers donated $150 at a fundraising dinner for a Texas antiabortion group in 1989, but Colleen Parro, director of the Republican National Coalition for Life, remembers that there were plenty of politicians trolling for votes at the dinner. Parro said she does not care whether Miers is a born-again Christian, or the companion of Hecht.
"It's not about her church, or the fellow she dates. It's about her record," Parro said. "She seems like a fine lady, but this nomination does not advance the culture of life."
‘Following her beliefs’In 1993, when Miers was the president of the Texas bar, she led a challenge to the American Bar Association's support for abortion rights. Some of her friends say she just thought it was inappropriate for the group to take a stand on a moral issue, but others point out that an abortion rights supporter probably would not have challenged the status quo.
"She didn't have to do that," Kinkeade said. "She was following her beliefs."
Those beliefs were forged at Valley View, but Miers is breaking away from the church where she embraced Jesus. In recent years, church elders have moved to cut back on missionary work, sparking a split this summer among the parishioners. Key is forming a church that plans to donate half its revenues to mission work, and Miers plans to join him.
"These days so many of the churches have become Christian country clubs," Key said. "They are more about making you feel good about yourself than making you grow. Some of us, including Harriet, were uncomfortable with all this."
But if Miers is leaving her church, the church is not leaving her. Kaycia Key said she expects to see the next Supreme Court justice in the pews, singing enthusiastically, if not skillfully. "Let's just say she makes a joyful noise unto the Lord," Key said. "She doesn't hesitate to sing out."

Pomfret reported from Dallas.

© 2005 The Washington Post Company

True Heart Times is back! Again! Really!!!

2005-10-01T00:02:00.000-04:00

Well, it's October 1. I figured a good enough time to actually get my butt back on the blog and fill you all in on what's been happening. I've revamped the look a little bit as well. Consider it a re-start.

Yes, I know I restarted a few months ago. What's your point?

I'll start with work. It seems that I've been given a new lease on my job. I spent most of the summer negotiating a new compensation plan, which I had to fight tooth and nail for. But, in the end, I've come out with a nice plan. Plus, I'm going to be moving to Rotterdam and Cobleskill five days a week. NO MORE TRAVEL TO ALBANY!!!!!!! I am being given the chance to develop these two offices into my own thing. It's cool, now I have the chance to create my own success. It'll be hard, but I think it'll be fun. And profitable, too! And Vini's going to be my Office Manager! Hooray! She's sweet, mellow and very maticulous. I'm very comfortable with her. And she with me.

I know the work thing is a little different than my past attitude recently. Here's the deal - I spent most of the summer hating my job and calling it holiness. I would rip Bob and Danny and call it humility and being "in touch". I sat around and played on the internet, waiting for Jesus to save me from my job. But he wants to save me TO my job. He placed me there and he'll tell me when to move on. For now, let's plan that Jesus is going to bless me in the job until He comes back. Plus, the money is good, providing my family and I with the money to pursue His plans for me.

Calvary Tabernacle is a fantastic church! We are getting involved very quickly. I felt too quickly, in fact, and I've already backed down from some stuff. But I played drums on the worship team last Sunday. And when I get to talk to Joe Prisk on Sunday, I'm going to get hooked up in the men's ministry. Tricia is, for now, going to work with the kids (big surprise) and join the choir, at least, for Christmas. We just feel so at home with what Lorenzo is teaching and where the church is going! I'm going to try to post an mp3 of his message from last Sunday. AWESOME!!! All about how we're not going to sit back and wait for some big sign to fall out of the sky. We're going to work for Jesus and be propelled by His love.

Got to talk to Pastor Noel and he told me about an on-line Bible cirriculum for lay leaders. It's not a seminary in the truest sense, but it can give someone all the ministry knowledge they need. I desperately want to be part of it. I'm hoping by the end of the year I'll be on my way to getting started.

My attitude as to why I'm going to do it has changed. Check this out:

I don't care if I never become a full-time Christian worker. That's right!

My plan is this - I'm going to work for the Hearing Aid Office, then work like crazy in the church, whether in Schenectady or around the world. I'll study through the Bible school at the church to be well trained for all that He leads me into. I'll go back to school to help my self do all the work as a PART-TIME leader. Let God sort it all out. I will just commit myself to all the training I can to be as effective as I can for as many people as I can as quickly as I can.

Sound good? I think so.

God is so good. I'm continuing to grow in Him. Grow in wisdom. Grow in peace. Is it all a piece of cake? Oh, sure. And I'm actually a girl. But He who has begun a good work is going to complete it. (Philippians 1.6) And I will have a front row seat for it all.

The plan is that I will post something here once a week. Consistency - my new philosophy!

Until next time...

Walk with God...

I'm So Sorry...

2005-09-01T14:29:00.000-04:00

Once again, I'm forced to come here and apologize profusely for my lack of writing. Any consistent readers I have are now scouring the web for a new daily fixation. I've destroyed my base and any loyalty I'd earned. **sniff, sniff**

Well, it's not that bad. Maybe you thought I'd fallen off the face of the earth or been eaten by a yeti while on my skiing trip. No, I just have been dealing with many issues that have consumed my attention. Work, church, ministry. It's all blended together to become a big confusing pile of doo-doo. I'm between appointments (two no-show evaluations in one morning!) and thought I'd at least make contact. Tricia and the girls are at Canada Lake today and tomorrow, so I'll have some time to write a longer piece. Which I need to do. It will hopefully be theraputic for me.

Have fun. Until I write again.

Walk with God...

The Teacher In Me...

2005-08-06T13:24:00.000-04:00

It seems that God has been narrowing my focus lately. If you read the last article (The Gospel of Work), you start seeing a trend - a growing dissatisfaction with life the way it’s currently lived. A desire to see life lived to its fullest. A need to find my place in the bigger story. I’m not sure but I think somewhere in a past article I wrote about what I used to define as my “wanderlust”. My tendency to always view the grass as greener on the other side of the fence. There’s always something better. I’m never satisfied. I always looked at people who were at one job for thirty or more years as weird. How can you be content with something that long? Doesn’t it seem tedious after a while? I used to think this restlessness in me was a bad thing. I thought I had to learn “the secret of being content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted)...”
(Philippians 4.11, AMP) because I’m ALWAYS disturbed. Dissatisfied. Can I think back to a time in my life when I was EVER content? Better not try now; I’ll never finish this.

I actually thought I could find that contentment in my job. It’s a good one. I make more money than I ever have. I have a skill that is highly coveted. I work with a Christian-owned company, so my faith will never be an negative issue in the workplace (though, unfortunately, sometimes even I feel our staff meetings get a little too religious at times). But I sincerely fell for the trap that all I have to do is sell enough hearing aids, make enough commission, make my boss happy, and all will be well. No it won’t. Because there’s always another sale. Another happy patient. Another unhappy one, too. My self-worth cannot be derived from what I do. God is pleased with me when my numbers are up and “He hate me” when my numbers are down. Can you believe that I made an agreement with THAT?

Danny told me a couple of weeks ago that he saw a teaching gift in me. He thought I expressed myself well when I taught at a staff meeting on what I wrote in my last article. As an aside, I’m realizing more and more the potential danger of sharing at a work meeting how we need to not focus on work so much. It was like Jerry McGuire telling all the other agents we should have smaller rosters and how they were patting him on the back with one hand, while the other was dialing their cell phones to contact all of Jerry’s clients! It’s also hard to renegotiate my commission package when I’m very vocally saying the desire for more money is destroying our Christian culture. Anyway, when he said that, something in me jumped. YES! RIGHT! THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO BE!

Years ago, I remember saying “I want to teach and preach the Word of God”. I narrowed it down. Pastoring didn’t seem like my gift. But standing in front of loads of people and expounding from the Scriptures? LOVE IT! LOVE IT!! LOVE IT!!! Tricia and I have had prophetic words to that effect. I feel like I’m in my element when I get to. That desire is even stronger as I’m learning to be led by the Spirit deep in my soul. But those revelations seemed to fall on deaf ears. We had the prophetic words given to us but my former pastors never seemed to want to help cultivate them. What was the hold up? Was there something wrong with us? Was the word wrong? It just seemed like we had these gems, passionate words deep in our souls (particularly mine) but there was no way they were going to be manifested. It was a dream that would stay on the shelf forever, while we limp around looking for something to make us content.

I believe most people live like this today. They have a revelation, even a tiny inkling of their destiny in God. But they wander around like the Israelites in the desert. The Promised Land? Oh, I may get there someday. But, in the meantime, isn’t this desert nice? I could learn to like it here. Build me a condo. Set up a Starbucks. Oh, we fall short! We are hopelessly far away from the abundant life God promised to us! We settle for what John Eldredge and Brent Curtis call in The Sacred Romance our “less-wild lovers”. These are the things (sometimes very honorable and godly) that we allow to do the work of “completing” us. But they’ll kill us and, deep in our spirits, we know it. But it’s easy and quick to put all our eggs in those baskets. Besides, we look real good to the world when we set our sights really low. We conform to what this world has to offer and, even within the church, we are raised up as “devoted, dedicated people” or “excellent fathers or mothers” or “role models for people of faith”. But we’re killing ourselves, squeezing into a mold that we don’t fit into.

Have you ever seen those guys in the circus who try to stuff themselves into boxes or suitcases? I have to be careful, because that sort of contortionist (particularly female) is a big lust issue for me and conjures up sinful images for me. But for the sake of this discussion, it fits well. See, a six foot tall man was never meant to fit in a cube that would hold a 13” TV! But, there he is! Stuffing, bending, twisting. Putting a leg there, and arm back here. Soon enough, he all shoved in there. Oh, he can barely breathe. And there are more Charlie horses at work than there are horses at Saratoga. But he fits in the mold, right? For now, anyway. But he can’t stay in there for long. And when he does try to exit, limbs are popping out the door with great torque. Five minutes to get in, ten seconds to get out. A sigh of relief when he can finally stand erect.

There are some molds you try to squeeze into and you convince yourself that you fit! You’ll bend and twist all logic to conform to them -

This job is great! I know I never see my kids and I have to work on Sundays, but I’m doing so well financially!

This church is wonderful. It’s growing so fast! God is working in mighty ways. Sure, we don’t know anybody and no one seems interested in getting to know us, but our church was featured on TBN last night. Isn’t that awesome?

You see, God has a transformation in mind for you. He wants you to be different than what the world has. Romans 12.2 (AMP) says, “Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [Fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you].” What a great verse! I love the Amplified version! Anyway, when we are transformed, we fit into the will of God that is good and acceptable and perfect FOR US!

That means no one else may see it our way (which is really God’s way). No one may understand. They may say you’re a fool. Clueless. But Noah built an ark. Abraham was to sacrifice Isaac. Moses got his marching orders from a bush. David had a showdown with Goliath. Peter, James and John turned into powerful preachers. Paul turned into a missionary. Jesus died for the sins of the world. On the surface, none of it makes any sense. But God has a plan and destiny. You can stay in your construct if you want. But it’ll kill you and you know it.
I want to teach and preach the Word. Once upon a time, I wanted to do that to be famous, well-known. Now I want it because if I don’t, I think I may spend the rest of my life walking around in frustration. In Genesis 30.1, Rachel looked in envy on all the children Jacob was having with Leah. She said to Jacob, “Give me children or else I will die!”. She had a dream, a vision to have children. She spoke out of the desire of her heart. We need to have the same passion about our dreams. We’ll die if we don’t allow our dreams to be birthed.

It’s strange. I’ve spent so many years trying to figure out my calling in God. Could it be that in finding my calling, I’ve discovered that helping others find their calling is actually my calling? Whoa...

Well, until next time - walk with God.

The Gospel of Work...

2005-07-30T13:52:00.000-04:00

“Birth...School...Work...Death.”
---- The Godfathers

“Mere rats, the human rodents shuffle.
At least we get a dignified cremation.”
---- Jello Biafra

"Take this job and shove it! I ain't workin' here no more!"

---- Johnny Paycheck

I’m growing more and more disenchanted with my job. It’s not that I don’t like what I do. It’s not that I’m not good at it. It’s not that I’m not making enough money. It’s not that I hate the people I work with. I’m not doing anything blatantly immoral either. The problem isn’t with the job. It’s with me. There’s just a frustration level that has reached cataclysmic proportions. We talk often of how church can be an empty exercise when you’re just doing it for the sake of doing it. There’s no life in it. You’re going through the motions. Work, for me, is resembling that. I guess that’s what happens when your heart’s not there. And, as an employee, you’re there almost 40% of your waking hours.

Jocelyn Green recently wrote in the magazine Pentecostal Evangel about “The Overworked American” and when I read it, it started to trigger some strong reactions. She writes -

“During research for her book The Overworked American, Boston College sociology professor Juliet Schor discovered that the average U.S. employee spent more than 200 more hours per year on the job - or five extra 40 hour weeks - compared to the 1960’s. Half a century ago, the American workweek was substantially shorter than that of Western Europe; now Americans exceed Europeans by more than 350 hours a year - nearly nine weeks. Even Japan now has shorter annual hours of work than the United States.” (7/17/05, #4758, p. 6)

A couple of weeks ago, my office went through what was called a “Takin’ It To the Next Level” meeting. Up until recently, everything’s been run like a one-man show. But now there’s too much to do. So we’ve converted to more of a corporate structure. Hired a Chief Financial Officer. Hired four new specialists. Moved to a new office three times the size. They've even set a performance analyzer in place called a scorecard so that anyone can look at the numbers to monitor sales and job performance. Through the whole meeting, something just felt weird. Most other employees either didn’t understand what it was about or they were afraid of it. One of the business consultants there kept saying that a key component for all this should be “What’s in it for me?”. Oh, really? Anyhow, I couldn’t figure out what the check in my spirit was about. Then, a little later, God spoke to my heart - “What does it profit a man that he should gain the whole world, yet lose his very soul?”.

I have no problem with those who consider the marketplace their mission field. Lost people are everywhere. They sure need to be reached. But while we’re in the marketplace, we need to be very careful. For we can begin to worship the vehicle of our service instead of the God who gave us the vehicle. We can seek after bigger barns, larger paychecks, status and prestige. All the time, the hurting are calling out to us, pleading that we’ll take time to share with them the hope we have. But, as we drive to our job in our luxury cars, the hurting are lining the streets, like the trees or park benches. And we fly by because we have "more important things" to do. Like chase the American Dream, make all our money, get ulcers, etc.

A couple of weeks ago, a young man was shot in the back by a kid with a semi-automatic weapon. The victim was walking down the street near a McDonald’s restaurant. My family goes by that place all the time. It’s less than a mile from Calvary Tabernacle, where we now go to church. I worked on that stretch for a year and a half. What’s happening? I’m so busy running to get my Double Mocha Latte and get to work to sit and slave away. People Jesus died for are dying themselves and I won’t lift a finger. Oh, I can’t. See, I’m trapped. I spend so many hours tied to my desk that by the time I get home, I have nothing left in the tank. I fall asleep on the couch watching “Wheel of Fortune”. I won’t even pray. Pathetic. Our jobs kill us. It’s a tool of the enemy, I know it. Satan gets us so occupied with our own lives that no one else’s is of any consequence. He who has eyes to see, let him see.

A lot of this really started rising up during Beyond the Song. I’m actually listening to Derek’s Tribes and Tongues CD as I’m typing this. But for three days I heard great men and women of God talk about giving their all for the harvest. We sang worship songs, prayed for the nations. I was watching Preston, Derek’s drummer, spend hours a day playing. I honestly started to get a little jealous - “That’s supposed to be me! I wish I'd never stopped playing with Derek“. But God corrected that. “It’s not that your jealous of the place in the band you want to occupy. You’re jealous of the place in My larger story you want to occupy. You want to serve me, go for me. I love that about You”. And as I sat there getting calls on my cell phone from my office (on Saturday, no less), I started to get the picture. We get confused. As Gary Barkalow says, "We think our job is our calling. No, our job is an assignment within our calling." Calling is a much greater purpose than just punching a timeclock. When the Book of Life opens, God will not judge me by my performance scorecard! Some will fulfill their calling with a 9 to 5 job included. But those who are called to go to the ends of the earth need to go. And they are spinning their wheels until they do. It’s no wonder I move from job to job, unable to be satisfied. Because there is a larger story. I have a place in it. And I’ve left it unoccupied. Meanwhile, those who need me to be in my place so that they can hear the Gospel and be saved are waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Dying.

Actually, this was germinating before BTS. In March, I wrote in my journal (again, after spending time with Derek - coincidence?)

“...in seeking security, I’ve been ignoring faith and trust. I sought the easy way, the safe ways, and I’ve pushed my true heart down. Who knows all the exciting awesome things I could’ve done if I simply got out of the boat and fully trusted? God (has) allowed me to have what I wanted - but it’ll kill me and I know it. I need to step up. Life is more than being safe.”

The day after Beyond the Song, we were going to sleep in and skip church. Seemed like the “safe” thing to do. Self-preservation and all that. But we were all awake in time to go, so what the heck? Pastor Lorenzo preached from John 12:

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the
earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much
fruit. He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life
in this world will keep it to life eternal. If anyone serves me,
he must follow me; and where I am, there My servant will be
also; if anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.” (v. 24-
26, NASB)

I wept in my pew. That was it! I need to die to myself in order to glorify Him. There’s just too much of me in the way. Think about the verse above: if the grain dies, it bears much fruit! When it ceases to operate, when it gives itself over to a greater plan, that's when it reproduces! As I cried and worshipped, singing “I surrender All”, I heard God say to me, “I release you. Pursue your heart. I’m for you.”

So that’s what I’m doing. I’m going to meet with Pastor Lorenzo when he comes back from Bulgaria (he’s training national pastors) and just set myself down before him and say HELP! I think Calvary has come around at just the right time. Lorenzo is much more of an equipper. That seems to be what my spirit is calling out for. A man of God to take me as a piece of unformed clay and mold me so I’m prepared to handle to the work I’m called to do. It’s a shame it’s taken me 16 years to get here. But better late than never. And he’ll restore the years the locust has eaten. I’m not sure if I’m destined for the mission field, pastoring (which is kind of what I thought I’d do all along), evangelism, counseling...I ain’t got no clue! But I know the passion growing in my heart is to give it all for the work of the kingdom. And I know Whom I have believed. And I know the He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.

Well, my daughter Rachel’s bowl of Apple Jacks looks strangely appetizing! I pray some of my meditations this morning have inspired you to look at your life and see what motivates you. Our lives are meant for so much more. I pray we all just don’t get lost along the way.

Walk with God.

I will never forget about you...what's your name again?

2005-07-27T21:06:00.000-04:00

Welcome back to the insanely cazy life that is Darren Barkman. I got back from Beyond the Song and have basically not stopped since. I do have a lot to share with you. God has been on the move and I'm feeling closer and closer to figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.

I'm currently writing this from my cubicle at work, where I'm waitng for a hearing aid pull string to dry. Then it's off to our new church, Calvary Tabernacle, for Wednesday night service. Pastor Noel should be back tonight, telling of his stories of being in Malawyi (sp?). I've got 45 minutes or so to get there.

Work has been the issue lately. More and more I'm feeling like a round peg in a square hole. I'm doing well. My sales numbers are still high. But there's more to life than scorecards and performance appraisals. We'll delve more into that later.

God is good. All the time. No matter what. Walk with Him. The life we try to live is just a cheap imitation compared to what He actually wants to instill in us and through us. The question is - do we have the courage to take the best or are we content with the cheap imitation? I'm tired of settling.

Hey, my aid's done. It will probably be the weekend before I can touch base with you. But when I do, it'll be pretty packed. Take a seat for it.

Catch you later. Walk with God.

A Nut Case From the Past

2005-07-13T20:19:00.000-04:00

Before I head off to Beyond the Song, let me post one more article. Call it "food for thought". Thanks go again to Steve Gallagher and Pure Life Ministries for the re-print.

A Nut Case from The Past
By Steve Gallagher

Gavin MacLeod (The Love Boat) called his supporting performance in the 2003 film Time Changer “the most important thing” he had ever done. It’s hard to disagree with him.
The storyline occurs in 1890 and revolves around Bible professor Russell Carlisle, who is unwittingly transported by a time machine into modern-day America. For five days, he finds himself trapped in a wicked world to which you and I have become shamefully accustomed.
In his day, the term, “Gay Nineties,” referred to the nation’s innocence, not to the filthy and lewd behavior reflected in our past decade. Men married their women for life, with divorce rates hovering around a microscopic 5%. Teenage promiscuity, marital infidelity and abortion were almost nonexistent. Pornography—even if you could find it—was typically an artist’s rendering of a topless woman.

Christian filmmaker Rich Christiano’s character, Russell Carlisle, is an awkward and unlikely hero who is thrust into the America of our day. This results in the inevitable scenes of him marveling over modern technology and dodging speeding cars. More important, though, are his reactions to the stark contrast in morality between the two eras.

At one point, he is seen watching television. His horrified expression betrays the fact that he is witnessing the kind of blatant immorality which has become standard fare for many of us. But perhaps the most poignant scene occurs when he is invited by some Christians to attend a movie with them. Suddenly, he is shown running out of the theater screaming at the employees, “You have to stop this movie! That actor took the Lord’s name in vain! He blasphemed God!”
If you or I witnessed a man acting this way, our first thought would probably be, “What a nut case!”

And yet this scenario provokes a few pointed questions Christian men should ask themselves. Why aren’t we more outraged when we hear actors take the Lord’s name in vain? How can we look upon scantily-clad girls on television without blushing? Why do we permit TV to indoctrinate our children with the world’s values? The answer to these questions is clear: we have given our culture a greater place in our lives than the Word of God.

I can still remember some twenty years ago when the Lord began convicting me about watching television. At the time it seemed “off-the-wall,” and I resisted the notion until I was convinced it was truly from Him. A couple of years after getting rid of my TV set, I visited the home of an acquaintance who was playing his television. Much to his amusement, I stood in open-mouthed disbelief at what I was seeing—with probably much the same shocked look on my face as that of Russell Carlisle.

This incident taught me that people simply can’t comprehend how bad something really is while regularly partaking in it. A perfect illustration of this truth is the way a nonsmoker reacts when entering a smoke-filled room. His pure, clean lungs simply cannot tolerate breathing in that filthy air. If he ever picks up the habit though, he can walk through the smokiest room without even noticing it.

The message of Time Changer sheds much-needed light on the fact that we have become very accustomed to the world’s mindset through immersing ourselves in television, movies, magazines and the Internet. We don’t mind “the smoke” because our spiritual lungs have become all too comfortable with the pollution.

The sad truth is that most Christian men readily tolerate hearing blasphemous statements and seeing ungodly behavior because they are unwilling to pay the required price to maintain a pure heart. The American culture has become so huge in their lives that the values of the Kingdom of God are now minuscule in comparison.

Yes, it is true, if a man from the past raised a ruckus over someone taking the Lord’s name in vain, he would look like a nut-case. And yet, when I examine the long line of courageous martyrs down through Church history, I have to ask myself, “Who is sane and who is crazy?”

Was William Tyndale a fruitcake because he was burned at the stake wearing a dunce’s cap? Was Martin Luther weird because he challenged the entire world of Catholicism? Was Jesus Christ a chump when He allowed Himself to be spit on, beaten, jeered and tortured to death? The fact is that the world has always hated and ridiculed godly people.

If we really get honest with ourselves, surely we can see that the most insane thing a believer can do is to align himself with the enemies of God. It brings to mind the scorching words of James 4:4: “You are like unfaithful wives having illicit love affairs with the world and breaking your marriage vow to God! Do you not know that being the world’s friend is being God’s enemy? So whoever chooses to be a friend of the world takes his stand as an enemy of God.” (AMP)
Perhaps the best conclusion for this column would be the following words of commentary by Alfred Plummer, written, appropriately, in 1890:

“James wishes to bring home that any soul that has been wedded to God, and has then transferred its affection and allegiance to other beings, is an unfaithful wife. A wife who cultivates friendship with one who is trying to seduce her becomes the enemy of her husband. It is useless for the Christian to plead that he has no wish to be hostile to God. He has of his own free will adopted a condition of life which of necessity involves hostility to Him.
“The world may assure him that it is quite easy to serve God, and yet remain on excellent terms with the world. But God declares that the choice must be made, and that it is absolute and exclusive. Do these terms seem to be harsh? They are not really so, for the more we surrender, the more He bestows. We give up the world, and that appears to us to be a great sacrifice. ‘But He giveth more grace.’

Update...

2005-07-12T00:54:00.000-04:00

So...it's been a couple of weeks since I've written. Well, I guess the biggest news for us is that, after weeks of soul searching, we've left our church. To be honest, I've been considering it for more than a year. Ever since the Father's Day thing last year (see earlier post called 'Why all this Father's Day stuff...) I've had my doubts as to whether or not our church was going to remain the right one. We kind of wnet hot and cold over the whole thing. Then the Father's Day play this year got scratched. Then I started speaking out to leaders about sexual issues and modesty. This past week, our pastor said in a letter, "Maybe it is best if you worship elsewhere".

I don't hold any hard feelings toward my former pastor, the staff, or the church. We spent almost eight years there. It's the only church our kids have ever known. Most of our friends are there. But you know when you're doing something and it feels right and you're really not sure why but you keep on doing it and everyone thinks you're nuts but you keep on because if you don't you feel like you'll become the biggest fraud ever?

That's it.

I acknowledged I have a lust addiction. I went to Colorado. Tricia and I restored our marriage. Then one day we woke up and realized we had done ALL of that separate from our local church. Now I'm not advocating that; if you are planted in a church, your pastor/elder/cell leader ought to be a vital part of any meaningful, major spiritual change. But this is the thing - we went most of a year, growing by leaps and bounds, and our local church just never entered the scene. It just never seemed relevant to the discussion. We actually thought about talking to our church leaders a couple of times. We got in the middle of the conversations and we never felt comfortable talking about it. That should have been a tip-off that something was wrong. But we kept on plugging away, hoping maybe it would change. It didn't. Actually, the distance got further and further. By the time I went to leadership with the whole modesty deal, it was as if I was a different person. They didn't know who I really was or where I was coming from. They couldn't relate.

So, in the words of Bob Dylan, they "criticized what they couldn't understand". They called us judgmental extremists. They attacked us personally. They failed to pick up on the fact that I was pleading with them to admit a problem, so it could be fixed, so I could stay. But it's best this way. We feel free. As our friend Mary Ann said, "We're free from the cage". Amen.

Now what? If you've read past posts, I've said I feel like I'm on the verge of something pretty huge. Now that I've got all the lust stuff out in the open, dealt with my fear, and entered into newness, where are we supposed to go? What do we do? We've started attending a great church in Schenectady. We're going to meet with the pastor in the next few weeks and spill out the whole messy thing and see if we fit in. We may go on a missions trip as a family. I'm still thinking about graduate school, maybe getting the M. Div. I never got at Gordon-Conwell.

And Beyond the Song is this weekend. It's part of my agreement for working, so here goes -

PLEASE CHECK OUT THE "BEYOND THE SONG " LINK TO THE SIDE OF THIS PAGE FOR INFORMATION ABOUT THIS GREAT FESTIVAL COMING UP THIS WEEKEND IN CHERRY VALLEY, NEW YORK, WHICH IS BETWEEN COOPERSTOWN AND ALBANY.

Anyway, it's three days of worship and teaching with Darell Evans, Tree 63, Kent Henry, Derek and Isaiah 6 - whew! I kind of have the same anticipation that I had before Colorado. Not about the trip, but about what God might do. I'm planning many segments where I'm just going to worship. Soak in God's presence and see what happens. This is not just a worship thing, it's a missions thing. It's about seeking Him, then getting marching orders and going! Which is just what we need! But the seeking has to come first! I've been getting lost in worship the last couple of weeks. There's been like a bubbling up in my Spirit about singing praises to Him. I've sung before, but not like this. It's like something's going to explode!

I can't wait. Well, it's late and bed is calling. I've got a day long staff meeting tomorrow. New corporate policies and stuff like that. WHEEEEEEE! I hope to post pictures of BTS. I said I'd post pictures of Colorado. Liar! LIAR!! Well, I'll make an attempt.

Probably won't talk until after Beyond the Song. Til then...

Walk with God.

Compromise

2005-06-28T15:14:00.000-04:00

"Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."

---James 4.8

"You shall have no other gods before me."

---Exodus 20.3

I read an article from Christianity Today over the weekend that made me stop and think. It was by a pastor who chose to remain anonymous. He told of many years of leading retreats and speaking in churches all over the country. The pastor remembered fondly the cheers of approval he would receive as he spoke eloquently on any variety of spiritual disciplines, the crying eyes as people flooded the altars, the pleading invitations to come back as soon as possible to bless the body of Christ again. He also spoke of the rampant pornography that was, literally, tearing his soul apart. The evenings alone in strange towns when he would go to strip clubs, peep shows and x-rated movies. The magazines that would find their way into his carry-on bag at the airport. The visuals that would flood his mind, even as he preached holiness in the pulpits of these churches.

Over time, this respected leader felt like he was going crazy, unable to control these ungodly images. Finally, at a conference with many other pastors, he said to himself that enough was enough. He sat down with one of his mentors, a pastor only identified in the article as leading one of the largest churches in the South, and began to confess, detail by sordid detail, all he had done. The mentor could only wail and sob. It turns out that he had been savaged by lust and pornography as well. He began to unravel a life full of every type of sexual perversion. He showed the author a list of medications he took to fight the venerial diseases he'd picked up along the way. And he also laid out on the table the divorce papers his wife had recently filed.

It's easy to point a judgmental finger at these pastors and blame them and their "kind" for all that's wrong with the church. But more and more, as I grow in God, I'm seeing areas of my life where I've lived as a double-minded man. Little compromises to the teachings I know are in the Word that I justify by saying things like, "Jesus wouldn't want me to be unhappy, right?" or "Come on, I can do this and that. I mean, the kingdom's all about grace, isn't it?". I've said it in fun before, but it seems more real with time - It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. We look at the world around us, how much fun everything seems to be, how "cool" we dream about being, and we start to follow those around us, instead of the precepts Jesus wants us to base all our decisions on. Allowing the world to "squeeze us into its mold" (Romans 12:2 paraphrase), watering down doctrine and taking the teeth out the Bibles we carry around all the time, is bad enough. What kind of life will this type of fence-walking create? What's the result of it?

Well, look at the pastors in the story. The author speaks of feeling mentally unstable. The elder pastor was literally destroyed - physically, financially, emotionally. James chapter 1 describes a man like this as "double-minded" and "unstable in ALL he does". It may seem like we can keep our two lives separated. Eventually, it will come to disrupt everything. You know the old addage, "One bad apple spoils the whole bunch?" It's true. Buy a bag of apples, put one rotten one in there, close it off and let it sit for a week. I guarantee you won't want to eat what you find in that bag. No one can serve two masters, Jesus said.

In 1Kings 17, the nation of Israel was sent into captivity for compromising the Law God had given them. They saw nothing wrong with honoring God and the pagan worship of the nations around them. Eventually, the deception was passed down. Verse 41b says, "...To this day their children and grandchildren continue to do as their fathers did." God said in the Ten Commandments that He would punish three generations down of those who worship false idols. Jesus quoted from Deuteronomy when He confronted the devil in the desert, "It is written, 'Worship the Lord your God and serve Him only'." Daily, Satan comes at us like he came at Jesus, dangling the carrot of compromise in front of us. Some things, obviously, we are going to shoot down right away. But we make agreements on things that are "harmless", at least on the surface. "There's nothing in the Scripture about - whatever - and it's what I want. So I'm going for it." But often there's a slippery slope at work. Little by little, agreement by agreement, we soon find ourselves in a place we barely recognize. Out and out sin, once crouching at our door, now takes up full residence. What we once were repulsed by is just another choice. We become unable to pray with power. We attend church and it seems hollow and empty. The Bible that once spoke with passion, now barely gives off a whimper.

If you're like I used to be, you're reading this and saying, "This is great. But no one can attain that! I'm not a monk or a nun!". Obviously, I'm not either. But you know what my idea of abundant life is? A life I don't have to apologize to anyone for. One I don't have to make excuses for to my kids. A life that is the same inside me as it is outside me. It's about purging all the "little foxes" that have been stealing my peace, joy and hope for years. It's about truth in the inward parts. Letting God into every (I mean EVERY) inch of my life and having God dismantle it piece by piece and then, like the potter we see in Jeremiah 18, build it up in a way that is pleasing to Him.

The anonymous author in the article I read this weekend got it right. We read how he humbled himself before God, repented for a long season, sought forgiveness of family and friends, and found healing. May those who are in the depths of deep sin, depravity and addiction get out before, like the author's mentor, it's too late. May those who are dancing on the edge of the pit come alive in the power of His spirit, resist at all costs, and overcome. And, ultimately, may we become a generation not afraid to stand up for what our hearts know is right, no matter what the cost.

Welcome to the new-look True Heart Times!

2005-06-24T01:56:00.000-04:00

Well, what do you know? Four months old and already in need of a facelift! Here's the brand new look to my little blog site. The black background was a little hard to take for a long period. It was hard to follow some of the lettering. So here we go to a blue and white motif. It's already getting great reviews. Ok, so I'm the only one who's seen it so far. But I like it! So that gives me a support rating of 100%!!! Yeah, baby!

It's very late and I have to work early tomorrow. But to fill you in on what's been happening with me, I'll be brief with the committment to write more soon. Let me share with you my life's discontent for at least the last weeks, if not years. I can sum it up with a quote from a Switchfoot song. It says,

"This is your life...are you who you want to be?"

My answer? Absolutely not. Not even close. Some would call it a mid-life crisis. But I can't help but think that I'm wasting time sitting around selling hearing aids. It's the concept from the boot camp - I need to step out of my smaller stories and step into the larger story God has prepared for me. There is a lot to do. Am I ready for battle? I feel disconnected. Not from God but from my purpose. It's like I've settled. There is much, much more. Am I prepared to go after it? When will I be?

There's much more to say about this. And I will. Soon. I promise. Cross my heart.

Walk with God.

2005-06-20T23:36:00.000-04:00

(Thanks to Steve Gallagher and Pure Life Ministries for the following good encouragement to our spiritual leaders. My hope is that all pastors would heed these admonitions. Many do, most don't.)

> Q: What can I as a pastor do to address the issues of pornography and sexual sin with the men of my church?

> A: I gave this acronym in a pastors’ magazine article once:

DEALING WITH SEXUAL SIN IN THE CHURCH

F - Foster an atmosphere of truth and honesty. Men who struggle must have the sense that they can confess their sin without undue consequences. You may have to take a man out of a leadership position, but you should never do anything that would disrespect the man or betray his confidence.
R - Renounce sin. It destroys lives, corrupts churches, and weakens the Body of Christ. Living and preaching holiness may offend those who wish to compromise, but it will attract those who are sincerely hungry for God.
E - Educate your congregation about proper and improper sexuality. If struggling men feel that the pastor is uncomfortable with the subject, they will never come forward for help.
E - Establish and encourage men’s ministry. Men tend to isolate and one of the greatest helps to a man overcoming secret sin is getting involved in godly fellowship with others.
D - Disciple those in need. We have learned how to build big churches but in the process we have lost our ability to build spiritual maturity in the lives of individuals. This lack of personal attention is one of the primary reasons men do not live in more freedom.
O - Offer restoration for fallen church leaders and members. Have something in place to refer men to such as a biblical counselor or a ministry that deals with sexual sin from a biblical perspective.
M - Model godly character and consecration. Your personal walk with God will determine the level of spiritual of authority you will have to speak into the lives of those you minister to.

Walk with God.

Why all this Father's Day stuff matters so much to me...

2005-06-18T11:03:00.000-04:00

So as you read at the beginning of part one of my Father's Day monologue, I really felt God wanted me to share that on Father's Day with the whole church. Pastor Jim vetoed it. I'm still at a loss as to why. I asked him why, but he never responded. Busy? Ignoring the issue? Computer have a "Dad" virus? I have no idea. But it tells you something when on Mother's Day, all the kids in the church spend their class time making cards and sweet notes to Mom. On Father's Day, they schedule the "Moving Up" day, where the kids will be too busy having ice cream and marching around the church to honor Dad. Think Dad will mind when he gets home that Sunday and his kids got a present from church, but he didn't? No, of course not. That great tie will suffice as a gift, right? Or how about the fact that Father's Day is a national holiday to the lawn and garden industry. If we get Mom a vaccuum cleaner for her day, we'll be in the doghouse until her birthday or Christmas, whichever comes first. But a new weedwacker is perfectly suitable for Dad.

Have we missed something here? A recent study said that "mother" was considered one of the most beautiful words in the English language. "Father" didn't even make it into the top fifty! Granted, down through history, fathers have screwed things up. And as you'll read in my testimony a little later, I have THREE horrible examples in my own life. But I'm bothered by the fact that it's OK to pile on Dad for all the crappy things he did, and not honor him for all the great things. Dad may be work too much and not spend enough time with his kids, but many men fell that's how they show their ultimate love for family - by sacrificing everything so that his wife and kids are comfortable. Most guys I know, though they'll never sit down and share their feelings, are loyal to their homes and would never think of leaving or cheating. There are very few people who can look at their dad and not find something they can honor them for.

For some, it's hard. Because their father is the source of their greatest wound. The biggest hurt, whether it's emotional, mental, or (unfortunately) physical. Many, many people cannot relate to a personal God as their "heavenly Father" because the earthly father is more identified with Satan than God. So we percieve God as what our Dad was - maybe distant, maybe angry, maybe violent, certainly not loving, forgiving and kind. Pastor Jim a few years ago spent the entire Father's Day sermon reading statictics on how men/fathers have abandoned their roles and how society's downfall has hinged on his involvement or lack thereof. Congratulations, Dads! You've turned our nation into a fastering spiritual hole! Happy Father's Day! Have a donut next door before you go home!

I understand how bad it can seem. But I don't think continuing to blame everything on Dad is the answer. OK, so your Dad was a jerk. I get it. But how about learning from his mistakes? Why do you feel like you're doomed to follow in his footsteps? Hasn't Jesus come to set the captives free? Jesus isn't your dad. It's not His fault. It's not your fault, either.

**********************************************************************************************

Linda graduated from high school in 1958. She could go to nursing school, or get married. She chose to marry Walter the next year. They tried for years to have children, but doctors said Linda was infertile. Now, they didn't have the treatments and therapies they have now. Back then, you were barren. Like in biblical times, that's a death sentence to many women. Walter was deeply wounded that he couldn't have kids of his own. By the end of the 1960's, he was so upset, they separated.

While apart, Linda met George and they began to have a serious relationship, leading them eventually to a sexual relationship. A few months later, Linda recieves the shocking news - she's pregnant!

This is where I come in. Hi, I'm Darren. The bastard son.

George, my sperm donor male role model, would not admit that I was his son. He denied it vehemently. The only time I know he even came close to acknowledging it was when I was two and, in the middle of the night, he brought a can of Tinkertoys into my room when I was asleep. But I wasn't asleep. I remember the silohuette putting them down in the doorway.

Walter found out my mom was pregnant with me and, to his credit, did a very honorable thing. He came back and said he'd raise me as his own. Walter Vance Barkman is, on the birth certificate, my "Dad". But all those years of pain from the past took their toll. He was a manic depressive and, by the time I was three, was not safe to be around. My mom filed for divorce and got it when I was three. I spent some time with Walter, his new wife Doris and her kids over a couple of summers. I didn't understand why I was there and I never really felt like I fit in.

Then, when I was nine, mom announces that we're moving to a bigger house. Great! We're moving in with her new boyfriend, Harry, and his son, Derek. I knew Derek a little. He was a couple of weeks older than me. I thought it was a chance to actually be a family, with a dad and a brother. Hardly. Harry treated me the family pet. He only spoke to me when he wanted to yell at me for something. Otherwise I didn't exist. Derek, on the other hand, got everything he wanted and was the "perfect" son. Even though he was barely passing in school. Even though he eventually got arrested for indecent exposure. Even though I got straight A's and never did anything wrong. I cried for days when Harry bought Derek a motorcycle and I not only couldn't get one, I couldn't ride his. I remember thinking there must be something wrong with me.

Harry was verbally and physically abusive to my mom. I remember sitting in the living room during a fight and seeing him knock my mom to the ground. I didn't do anything. I'm not sure why. It was like I was just a spectator to my own life. I was detached from it all.

Harry tried to beat on me once, but didn't. It was the night of Super Bowl 16. (It's crazy how I remember all that) The lady my mom worked for had given her a couple of Hershey bars for me. So, after dinner, I sat down to watch the game and eat my chocolate. For some reason, Harry had a fit. He said I shouldn't eat it all. Why he cared I'll never know. I looked at him and said, "But it's mine". In a flash, he stood up and started coming after me. I cowered in the big chair, crying. Harry stood over me, looking like he was going to destroy me. Mom begged him not to long enough for me to get up. She told me to go to my room and pack. Really, I thought. We're out of here! Awesome! I went upstairs, tore all my posters off the wall, packed up a few special things, went downstairs, put my shoes on and stood by the door. I'm free. We're free, Mom. We're out of here!

We went to my mom's work. We talked to her boss for awhile, calming us both down. Then, about an hour later, my mom said, "Well, let's go home". WHAT?!? We're going back? I couldn't compute it! Why would we go back to that hell? I even asked Mom out loud, "Why are we going back there when he treats me like that?". But back we went. Harry never apologized to me. I just went back upstairs to my room with all the posters off the wall. That was the time when the wound was delivered the deepest. Not only did it speak to me that men hate me, but it also said my mom took his side, not mine. See, I am all alone. And that's where I spent most of my teenage years - alone in my room.

I never got the chance to connect with these three men and try to heal relationships. Tricia and I did try once to find George's house but couldn't. He died from heart and lung disease in 2001. Walter, still haunted by his mental illness, committed suicide in 1988 - on my 17th birthday. Harry had a stroke while he was driving and died instantly in the crash in 1990. So the three who shaped my image of manhood here on earth are gone. Some would say good ridance. I wish I could go back and try to connect. I have no idea if I'd be successful. But it would be nice for my girls to know someone as Grandpa Barkman. It'll never be. I told Carissa, my seven year old, an abbreviated version of the story. She hugged me. I thought she was going to cry.

Here's the deal - I had no dad growing up. In fact, my role models were, as you see, horrible. But here I am with three girls of my own. I could be a monster of a dad. But I refuse. Because I determined in my mind not to make the same mistakes. Though society would want to bind me up in all of my disfunctions, I've hidden myself in Christ. I am crucified with Christ and it's no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. Jesus is a dad to my girls through me. I have no clue how to do it. But as I rely on Him, He gives me what I need. I'm not afraid anymore. Like the Mark Harris song says, "I'm ready to live...love...shine". I'm nowhere near who I want to be. But give me time. I'm going to be everything I wanted as a kid, but didn't get. I don't want the girls to have to go through what I did. Thank God they won't.

**************************************************************************************************

So, as John Eldredge says, "Out of your wound comes your deepest glory". That's why Father's Day is so important. And it hurts when people gloss over it. Last year about this time, I was really sinking my teeth into Eldredge's stuff and this issue was burning in my heart. The moms last year got a book and flower, high praise. Father's Day? We got nothing. Except a thrilling message, "Six Ways To Be a Good Dad". I was stunned. I looked around at all the men in the church. They loked like zombies. It was like they were saying, "Pastor, I know you're trying to help, but I have no idea how to even get to where you're going! I'm dying here! Help me!". I called my pastor on it. I told him he missed a golden opportunity to heal mens' hearts. He just said, "I preached what I preached.". Yep, and it was crap.

Well, things are changing in me and my family. I'll discuss more of the big changes in a future post, when I actually understand what some of them are so I can describe them! For now, Happy Father's Day! Guys, you DO have what it takes!

Walk with God.

Standing up for modesty

2005-06-16T02:13:00.000-04:00

Paul Denham, my good friend from Good Fight of Faith, brought this letter to my attention last weekend. It was printed on the front of the Sunday morning bulletin at Loudonville Christian Church, near Albany, New York. I instantly put Pastor Stan Key and LCC near the top of my favorite churches. This letter takes guts to put out there for the whole church. This is NOT comfortable Christianity. I don't want my relationship with Jesus to be like my relationship with my La-Z-Boy. Soft, pleasant, sleep-inducing. The Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword. Sometimes the truth will make you go, "Ouch!". Sometimes doctors have to re-break the bone to make it heal correctly, right?

So if the issue of modesty and sexual idolatry hit you like they hit me, may you draw comfort that someone has put your words down in a form that "gets it". And e-mail Pastor Stan at lcc@lcchurch.org. Thank him for his courage. May all pastors "get it" like he does.

Dear Sister in Christ,

As your brother in the Lord, I need to be honest with you. I have chosen to write my thoughts rather than share them face to face wanting to spare both of us a lot of embarrassment and discomfort. It's about the way you dress. To be blunt, your clothing (or lack of it) often makes it difficult for me to keep my thoughts pure. (I told you this was going to be awkward.)

I know it's summer and that fashions are what they are. I know it's hard to find clothes that are not sexually provocative. I know that it is not your intention to be a temptress. I know all this. My purpose in writing is not to blame you for my temptations but to appeal to you to be more careful in how you dress, especially when you come to church.

I have no clue what goes through a woman's mind when she is deciding what clothes to buy and wear. Whether you are motivated by comfort, fashion or economics, I simply don't know. Whether your intent is to make heads turn and draw attention to yourself (which part?) is beyond my ability to discern. I only know that short skirts, exposed midriffs, tight fitting clothing, low neck lines and strapless tops make it difficult for me, as a man, to keep my thoughts pure.

You may think that this is my problem, not yours. Of course, you are right...but only partly so. As members of the family of God, we have shared responsibilities in this manner. The Bible is very clear - my responsibility is to make a covenant with my eyes (Job 31.1) and to keep my thoughts pure (Matt. 5.27-30). Your responsibility is to dress in a manner that highlights your true and eternal beauty, not just your body (1 Tim. 2.9-10; 1 Peter 3.3-5).

I realize how risky this confession is. The truth is, I want to be a godly man with a pure heart. And I desire to respect women as persons (not objects) and treat them in godly ways. But this becomes more difficult when the women around me consistently send signals that tell me these values are (apparently) not important to them.

Please accept this letter in the spirit in which it is written. I am not blaming you for my struggles. I am simply asking you, as a sister in the Lord, to prayerfully consider what you wear. Your choices are more important than you think.

In Christian love,

Your Brother in the Lord

Positively brilliant, no? I owe you thoughts on Father's Day. You'll get them soon.

Walk with God.

A Father's Blessing, Part Two

2005-06-15T02:26:00.000-04:00

(Author's note: This is the conclusion of my Father's Day monologue. This close to the actual holiday, it speaks to me more than ever.)

One day my mom called me on my cell phone. She never called me during the day, so I knew it had to be important.

Mom: Chris, it’s mom. Your dad’s had a heart attack.

Chris: What? How is he?

Mom: He’s not good, Chris. Not good at all. The doctor’s don’t think he’s going to make it. You should come home to see him.

Chris: Wow. OK, uh...You know, I’m not sure I can. Work is really crazy. I have a big presentation tomorrow and I might lose a big client if I don’t show up. Just keep me posted on how he‘s doing, all right?

Mom: Christopher Michael, you have been running away from your dad for nearly twenty years. I have had up to here with your attitude. He needs you now...

Chris: Mom, he doesn’t need me now. He’s NEVER needed me.

Mom: You’re wrong. He asked to see you. Come home for him.

Chris: (Pause, runs hand through hair) OK, I’ll be out as soon as I can.

When I got to the hospital, mom was at dad’s bedside. I hadn’t seen him in, what, 20 years? He looked old. And weak. He eyes were glassy. He had tubes everywhere. My mom ran across the room and hugged and kissed me. Dad just stared. Raised his hand and waved a little. Mom squeezed my hand as she walked out the door, leaving us alone.

Dad: (rough sounding voice) It’s good to see you, Chris. It‘s been too long.

Chris: Yeah.

Dad: Chris, I need to tell you something. I want you to hear me out. Are you listening,
son?

Chris: (nods head reluctantly)

Dad: I know I wasn’t the best dad when you were growing up. I wasn’t around for you like I should have been. That was wrong. And I’m sorry.

Dad: (continues) I had a stroke three years ago, Chris. I couldn’t talk or use my left hand for a week. I told your mom not to tell anyone about it, that I was just sick. But it scared me. I was really scared for the first time in my life. So your mom and I started going to church again. I figured I had to get my life in order. Son, I met Jesus in that church. The pastor showed me I needed to be forgiven of the wrong things I’d done so I could be accepted into heaven when I died. I never thought I’d be one of those ’born-again’ Christians, but I’ve never felt more free in my life!"

Chris: (letting out a lifetime of hurt) Dad, give me a break! You expect me to be happy for you because you’ve made your peace with God? You brought me all the way across the country for that? Forget it, old man. Tell it to the priest. I’m not buying it! (turns to walk out)

Dad: Chris, wait! This is about you. I know it’s hard to understand. I guess it’s crazy to think I can fix all I’ve done to you in one day. I only wanted to see you because I don‘t know if I‘ll get another chance to tell you to your face that...I’m proud of you, son. I’m really proud of you. I was so focused on work and money that I never really stopped to see how great a son you were. And are! Look at you now! Such a successful business man! Chris, I‘m sorry it took me so long to say it. And I wish I could take credit for you, but I know you’ve done it all in spite of me. And I know about it all, too.

Then, Dad pointed to the nightstand by his bed. It was a big blue scrapbook. He told me to open it and I began to look through all the pages. I was stunned - every clipping was of me! ’Newest USC grad a local star’; ’National Dynamic assistant VP is local prodigy’. Even my cover article in ’Business Times’. There must’ve been 40 pages of clippings and pictures. My life in an album.

Chris: (stunned) How did you collect all this?

Dad: Your mom found them mostly. I knew you didn’t want to talk to me but when I got a new clipping for the album, somehow I felt like I was a part of it. I really wish I could go back and make it all go away. I lost so much time.

Chris: I know, Dad. I know.

I don’t think I left his bedside after that. We talked for hours and hours. I asked him questions about things going on at work, in my life. For the first time he just sat and listened. REALLY listened. There were times when I thought he might be faking all this for some reason. But the more time we spent together, I knew. He was a changed man. I could see it in his eyes. The nurses kept coming in and yelling at me, saying I should let Dad sleep more. But the more we spent time together and talked, the stronger he became. Four days after I came, he was walking. Not long after that, they sent him home.
Needless to say, things changed drastically for me. I quit my big-time job and moved back to Arbor Springs. Everyone in San Francisco thought I was crazy to give up my career and the future I was setting up. But I had to. Dad needed me. I even went to mom and dad’s church. If my dad could change, there had to be something real in all this talk about Jesus. And I started my own consulting business, and though I don’t have nearly as much of the glamour or prestige, I consider it my greatest success. Well, my second greatest. The greatest was when I married Alicia six years ago and we had our son, C.J.

C.J.? Shoot! I forgot about the game! Listen, I gotta go! (grabs bag and begins to run off stage, then stops quickly) Wait a minute! What am I panicking for? Dad said he’d get there early to help the guys warm up. He really does a great job with the kids. I’m so proud of him. (stops to ponder that thought, a big smile comes to Chris’ face) Happy Father’s Day.

(Chris exits with bag over shoulder stage left. Lights down.)

THE END

We'll talk more about Father's Day later this week. Pray for dads. They need us.

Walk with God.

A Father's Blessing - part one

2005-06-11T01:13:00.000-04:00

(Author's note - What follows is the fruit of my writing while I was in Colorado last April. I wrote in what I believe was obedience to a clear directive from God. I believe I was supposed to perform this a monologue at my church on Father's Day. I won't be; not because of unwillingness. A pastoral decision came down that it won't fit into the plans for that Sunday morning. Whatever. You read it and be the judge. If you know anyone who has suffered a father wound, or know someone who has, encourage them to read it. Hopefully, you'll be challenged. I know I was during the creation of this piece!)

***Lights up. Chris begins walking across stage, whistling "Take Me Out to the Ball Game". He is on his way to his son’s baseball game, where he is the coach. He is dressed for the part - baseball cap, sweatshirt (or t-shirt) and sweatpants, sneakers. He is carrying a gym/equipment bag. Chris is early to mid 40’s, looking like a typical dad you’d see anywhere. As he crosses to stage center, he stops and looks at the audience. ***

You don’t mind if I cut through here, do you? I’m on my way to my son C.J.‘s Tee Ball game, and I’m running a little late. Seems like I’m always running a little late! But I’m really trying to set a good example for my son and his team. I love teaching the little guys how to hit and throw, My son CJ’s only six, but he’s the best player on the team. Yeah, he’s a real chip off the ol’ block.
See, baseball was everything when I was C.J.‘s age. My dream back then was to be a big league pitcher. I spent so many hours behind our house, throwing tennis balls up against the brick wall we had. I was Nolan Ryan, Tom Seaver, or Ron Guidry. (pantomimes a pitcher’s delivery) I threw twenty no-hitters a day! I’m amazed my arm didn’t fall off!
As I started playing on teams, my mom was at every game I ever played, cheering me on. She was my biggest fan. If I got a hit or made a great catch, you could always hear her above the crowd. And I think my mom invented the wave. Seriously! Like any kid, at first I thought she was embarrassing. But there was no stopping her. So I just smiled and let her do her thing.
My dad? My dad’s a different story. He didn’t come to my games. He was a quality control officer for an airplane manufacturer. He traveled a lot for his work. It wasn‘t strange for him to be gone three weeks out of the month. During one busy stretch in 1983, he was gone my entire summer vacation. Things weren’t much different when he was home. He may have been there physically, but emotionally? He was nowhere to be found.

Chris: (as 10 year old) Dad! Dad! I got three hits today! You should have seen it!

Dad: (face hidden behind newspaper, sounding less than interested): That’s nice.

Chris: Yeah, Dad! And I threw a kid out trying to steal second base. He must’ve been out by twenty feet!

Dad: (still uninterested): Son, why don’t you go outside and play. I’m busy now.

Chris: Ok, Dad. (starts to run away, but comes back): Oh, my next game’s on Tuesday after school. I’m pitching! Are you going to be there? Are ya?

Dad: (no hesitation to think about it) No, I’ll be out of town. Now go on outside. You’re bothering me.

Chris: Dad, do you think I’m a great baseball player? Do you think I could be a pro some day?

Dad: (oblivious to Chris’ question) Mary, get me another beer, would ya?

That’s how my dad was to me. Cold and distant. Over time, I stopped seeking affirmation from him. I desperately needed it. But he never gave it. Soon after, I pretty much stopped acknowledging him altogether. We lived in the same house, ate the same food. But it was like we were total strangers. I’d ignore him, he’d ignore me. One big happy family, right?
Fast forward to my senior year in high school. It was the league title game against Middlefield High. Bottom of the seventh, runners on second and third, two outs. We’re down by one run and I’m up to bat. I’d already gotten two hits in the game. All I needed was a single and we’d win. As I’m walking to the plate, I look over at the bleachers to where my mom usually sat and who do I see? It’s my dad! He’s here! He actually came! Just in time to see me in my moment of glory! I felt like I was back in Little League again. I wanted to jump and scream,

Chris: (Jumping up and down, waving arms) Dad! Dad! Look at me, Dad! I’m up to bat! I’m going to win the game for our team! Aren‘t you proud of me, Dad?

I’d never been so nervous! The bat was shaking in my hand. I worked the count full - 3 and 2. Then I must’ve fouled off ten pitches in a row. At that point, a hitter is just guessing what the pitcher is going to throw, and he prays he guesses right. I was looking dead red for a fastball, belt-high. He threw me some slow curve ball about a foot off the plate. I was so fired up for the fastball, I think I finished my swing before the ball even left his hand. Strike three. Game over.

And I’ll never forget my dad’s words to me as we left the ball field:

Dad: I can’t believe I missed work for that, Chris. And what was with the last swing? You looked like a girl out there!

I never played baseball again after that. I had scholarships to play ball in college. I turned them all down. I just didn’t have the heart anymore. I left home the next day, too. There was no big argument or speech. I didn’t defend myself to him, tell him he was wrong. I just moved out. That was it. He didn’t want me around. Well, he got his wish.
I wanted to get as far away as I could for school, so I worked it out with one of the schools that offered me a scholarship, USC, and applied to their business school and was accepted. Eventually, I got my MBA and started working for a big company in San Francisco. Within two years, I was named an assistant Vice-President. I was labeled the new hot shot. I could close deals that guys with twenty years experience couldn’t finish I was the subject of cover stories in big time magazines. I had my Mercedes in my private parking spot, the corner office, and a staff of 45 all by the time I was 30. If you could see under the surface, you’d see a man who hated himself. Because I could see very clearly that I was becoming the one thing I dreaded the most...my father. I saw him in my little mannerisms: the way I’d hold a pen or rub my nose under my glasses. Deeper? I found myself wounding people at work the same way I had been wounded -

Chris: (Takes sip of coffee, swallows hard, then screams) Karen! What’s this? This coffee is garbage! For the hundredth time, I take my coffee with three sugars and one creamer. Come on! Can’t you do anything right? I mean, it’s a simple cup of coffee! (Pause) Yes, you should be sorry. Now make it right and don’t let it happen again!

The senior VP’s all loved me. They called me driven, a fiery perfectionist. I called it hell. I wanted to be encouraging, kind. But I couldn’t find those emotions in me. It’s like I wasn’t programmed with all the right parts. I would go home at night and sit in silence, trying to figure out how I got here. I would pretend my dad was in the room. Some nights, I’d scream bloody murder -

Chris: (yelling at his father) You know, I hate you! There! I said it. You’ve punished me for all these years and here it is. Thank you so very much for screwing up my life! Look at me! I ‘m a monster! People are scared of me! I have no friends! I can’t keep a girlfriend around because I can’t stop being what you turned me into! I’m thirty, I’m going out of my mind, and it’s all your fault! I wish you were dead! I hate you! I HATE YOU!!!!

Other nights it was more -

Chris: (crying) Why, daddy? Why did you leave me? Why did you do this to me? Why didn’t you say you love me? I want you to hold me! Daddy, I need you! I don’t want you to go away anymore. Be with me, Dad. I love you. I love you.

Part two next week. Walk with God.

Coming clean on a dirty issue...

2005-06-04T00:47:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, my wife Tricia and I did our usual Wednesday night thing - attending the mid-week service at Calvary Tabernacle Assembly of God church in Schenectady. It’s a great place to worship. The music is passionate, the people are warm and friendly, the kids’ programs are fun and devoted to the Truth. This night, however, was just a little different. The youth pastors, Nathan and Pam Mandsager, spoke about issues that are really hot buttons for me and my wife right now - modesty and sexuality. Pam did an excellent job detailing how modesty is not just an issue of how you dress, but it’s more a condition of the heart - how you think, act, and carry yourself. Nathan spoke well of how sexual issues - pornography and masturbation - are destroying men (and some women) in the church. I think most in the audience that night were a little taken aback by the “in your face” approach and frank language. My wife and I were doing somersaults in our seats. It’s about time, we said after.

As I wrote in a tease here a while back, I am well acquainted with areas of sexual addiction. How you may ask? Because for years I have had a problem with lust and sexual fantasy. Now I was not into straight pornography, though I have seen it. In our culture today, who hasn’t? My downfall was girls in tight outfits and contortionists. Why those? I’m not really sure. As far back as I can remember, I’ve been struggling with these feelings. For the longest time, I wouldn’t consider them “problems”. But when my eyes would lock on to something/someone on TV or especially on the internet, it would send me into a tailspin of sexual excitement. I would masturbate to pictures or to my memories of those pictures. So many nights I would wander around the internet looking for new and exciting pictures to reinforce my habit. Sex with my wife was never enough. I was constantly looking for more.

Let’s talk about my wife for a second. She knew about it. She would find the pictures on the computer and ask me about it. Oh I’ve got it under control, I said. I can stop anytime. Yeah, right. I even said one time I’m doing “research” for our intimate times. I know she didn’t buy it, but so what? I felt like I needed to walk the line between reality and fantasy and I would do anything to keep my habit intact.

It came to a head at the end of September last year. Tricia finally called me on it for good. Things were going to have to change in me or things were going to change with us, as in my wife would leave. To be honest, I wasn’t really enjoying my addiction anyway. But any guy will tell you that these types of addictions are akin to slavery. You can’t get free, no matter how hard you try.

That’s where God come in.

Tricia gave me the name of a guy, Paul Denham, who is a part of Good Fight of Faith, a group here in Albany, New York for those in sexual addiction. I called him and spilled about my problems. He told me his testimony of how porn and an affair nearly destroyed his marriage. I could completely identify with the isolationism that comes about with these issues. We hide. We don’t want anyone to know how screwed up we are. Paul invited me to their weekly meeting. I jumped at the chance to go. Tricia was proud of me. I knew my way out was starting.

At Good Fight of Faith, I sat through the first meeting in amazement. Every guy who shared sounded just like me - the hiding of addictions from a wife or girlfriend, the anger issues, the fatherlessness. Why had I hid in the bushes for so long? They’re all just like me! I began to share about my struggles. I found an avenue for freedom. If any guys from the group are reading this now, let me thank you for such a great example. Brothers, you’re all heroes to me.

Now, I haven’t had a metamorphosis from sexual problems. Not completely, anyway. I have not wandered the internet to feed my lust in months. I have been tempted to do so, but the combination of my attachment to GFF, plus my encounter with Jesus in Colorado, has given me the strength to know I am in control. Satan does not control my eyes. I have the power and authority to shut that down. However, just like in physical combat, if your enemy realizes a strategy isn’t working, they come up with something else. For me, it was a lust-filled relationship with a girl in my church. I’ll call her Julie. By Jesus’ standards in Matthew 5, Julie and I had affair. I would think about her in a way reserved only for my wife. I would have deep conversations about spiritual and personal things. My heart jumped if she sent me an e-mail or she complimented me about something. I wondered what sex would be like with her. Like Frankie Valli, though I never laid a hand on her, my eyes adored her. I thought I was completely free. Obviously, I was very wrong. By around Christmas time, I had to come clean to Tricia. With my relationships at GFF, and the honesty I was trying to cultivate with the guys and my wife, there was no way I could hide it. Tricia was hurt deeply. She cried for days. During one period when Tricia was venting her frustration, God spoke to my heart - “Sit there and take it. Be quiet, you did this to her.” And I did. If you want to look at it from the Apostle Paul’s angle, my flesh did it and I allowed my sinfulness to rule over the Spirit of God who also lives in me. In Romans 7, Paul talks about the evil he doesn’t want to do, he does. And the good he wants to do, he doesn’t do. That’s the sin battle. We can choose blessings or the curses. I chose to allow the sin to entangle.

I dropped off worship team for a few months to devote myself to my family and to my wife. Through Christmas and work, I really had neglected them. I broke all soul ties with Julie. Though she’s still around, and I still talk to her, I don’t feel that flaming lust for her. The Spirit of God in me put out the fire. Now, I just feel sorry for her. That’s leads me to the other issue - modesty.

See, Julie is around the teenage girls in my church. She’s a leader. In title, she may be. But you’d never know it by the example she sets, particularly in the way she dresses. Recently, she wore a t-shirt on a Sunday morning that was so low-cut that you could see below the tan line in her cleavage. Skirts that are too short, shirts that are too tight or too low. It’s a consistent thing. My wife saw the aformentioned t-shirt and gasped, “Oh my God!” I don’t say this now to get you or me all excited sexually. Praise the Lord, I have crossed over in my battle and I am aware of the devil’s schemes. I am accountable to Tricia and to the GFF guys for my eyes and my mind. But why do Julie and other girls/women in our church insist on dressing this way? Why do the dads/husbands not stop them? Why haven’t any church leaders spoken up?

I think my wife is going to pick a fight about it this week, though. And I’m proud of her. She’s not just fighting for me. She’s fighting for all guys in our church. I wonder how many guys look at her on a Sunday morning, then go home and masturbate to her in their mind Sunday afternoon. To quote Third Day, “It’s a shame. And I wonder if it’s ever going to change.”

What about you, my friend? Any of this ringing bells with you? Are you living a secret life no one knows about? Are you controlled by sin that you can’t break free from? I’ve been talking mostly about sexual addiction, but you can insert lots of other things - drugs, alcohol, food, etc. I’m not just talking to those who don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus. See, the church is full of closet addicts. Do you think the shame of addiction is great in the world-at-large? Try it in the church, where you’re supposed to be perfect, holy and totally righteous in all you say, do and think. Keeping up appearances is the motto of most churches. Admitting you have a deep problem is like being a leper. Ostracized. Oh, we segregate our wounded in 2005. We don’t want to go deep with anyone to help them. That’s the pastor’s job, the counselor’s job, anybody else‘s job. Meanwhile, the struggling continues, with no one coming clean for fear they will be treated the exact same way. And they would be. Because we shoot our wounded.

But don’t let that stop you from coming clean. The freedom you can feel when the light is shone on sin is amazing. It’s like the 800 pound gorilla climbs off your back. Your heart is lighter. Your soul is purified. For the first time you will talk to people and not feel shame or guilt, because you can be the true self that God made. Joy Williams has a song where she sings, “You don’t have to hide anymore.” Exactly. Come out, come out wherever you are. Jesus longs for you to be free from your pain and struggles. Isaiah 61 sets the real reason Jesus came - “To heal the broken hearted and to set the captives free”. His deepest desire is for that to be real in you right now! It can be. Pray this with me...

Father, thank you for Your truth. That you truly desire to set me free. I so long to be free. I admit I cannot set myself free. I have tried and failed. You alone are life and freedom for my heart. Thank you for sending your Son, my Lord Jesus Christ, as the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Thank you that in Him, I can have an abundant life here and now.

Father, I confess to you my sin of (name what has held you in bondage. Be specific!) to You. I know you did not design me to be bound by these things. It has taken energy that was meant for worship of You, study of Your Word, and work in Your service. It has divided my mind and my heart. I know I cannot serve two masters. I confess the sin and, according to 1John 1:9, I know that as I confess my sin, you will forgive me and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. Help me to walk and live in that forgiveness. Help me to reconcile with those I’ve hurt because of my sin. Help me to understand the authority I have in You to overcome all the power of the enemy. Grant me the grace to live in that authority with an even greater abandon than when I lived in my sin. Thank you that I am free. Here and now. The blood of Jesus washes me from all sin. I am truly free in You.

If you prayed that, I’d love to hear about it. Either leave a comment here or, if you’d like to be more discrete, you can e-mail me at absolutelydarren@hotmail.com. I’d also love to assist you in getting some help - seeking out a counselor or a church that can give you the love and support you need. Freedom is not as far away as you think. It can be yours. But you have to fight for it. And you don’t have to fight alone.

Walk with God. Talk to you soon.

We’ll start talking about Father’s Day next time around.

The True Heart Times T-shirt is here!

2005-05-24T02:47:00.000-04:00

I'm excited to let you know that our little blog site now has an official t-shirt! Ever in the hunt for marketing ideas, I've designed a simple shirt that you can wear to start great conversations with others who need to be set free as well. On the front, it has the blog site's web address. On the back is a great quote from "Wild at Heart" - Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs are people who have come alive.

If you're interested in getting one for your very own, I've posted a link on the right of the screen to the site where it can be found - www.zazzle.com. Go to the inspirational section. If my shirt doesn't show up on the first page, search using "True Heart Times". It should come up. The site is cool because you can design and post your very own t-shirt there. And you can print one or a thousand at a time. What a deal!

If you're planning on attending the Beyond the Song worship festival in July (which you ought to do - a link to the Beyond the Song website is also under the "links" list), you'll see me wearing one. Show yourself my groupie and get one for yourself!

Happy wearing! Walk with God!

A simple notice to all who come here...

2005-05-18T15:02:00.000-04:00

Greetings! For some of you who may have seen the comments posted under my latest article (...favorite song...), someone by the user name Free Webcam (blogger profile #9147020) decided to e-mail me a link to a site with free porn. Obviously, I have deleted it. I have also e-mailed blogger support to let them know that not only did I receive spam as a comment, but the nature of that spam was reprehensible.

If you happen to be reading this #9147020, which I doubt because you're probably just some robot spitting out this crap, let it be known that the only references allowed to pornography on this blog will be in referring to pornography as the vile, disgusting, tool of satan that it is. Absolutely no discussion, links, comments, etc. of any kind will be tolerated. You will be reported immediately to Blogger staff.

I will elaborate further on the issue of lust, sexual addiction, and pornography in a future blog report. Suffice to say, I have very pointed opinions on the matter.

Walk with God.

I heard my new favorite song today!

2005-05-15T00:49:00.000-04:00

If you know me, you know I'm big into music. I'm always singing a song or tapping on something as drummers usually do. Well, I was driving today and heard, as the title of this entry suggests, my new favorite song. It could become my favorite ever. It's called "For the First Time", and it's written and sung by Mark Harris. Who dat, you ask? Well, if you've heard songs by a little group called 4HIM, you've heard Mark's voice. "He Never Changes", "Can't Get Past the Evidence", on and on. Well, Mark has a new solo CD coming out June 7. It's called "The Line Between the Two". Right now, you can go to www.markharrisonline.com and see info about it, and hear it! They play the whole blessed thing while you wander about the site (it is kind of thin on content now).

What caught my attention was a line in "For the First Time" where Mark sings - "I want to be alive, I want to be a man, cause being wild at heart is really who I am". Cool! A John Eldredge reference! That makes it this blog site's official theme song! That's what caught my attention the most. How that song is EXACTLY where I'm at in God right now. I'm ready to live, ready to fly!

After coming back from Colorado, I've been chomping at the bit. Where should I go? What do I do? How should I get involved? I've got all this passion and energy...like Jeremiah, it's like a fire shut up in my bones. But, like Mark sings in the song, I'm just going to live and shine. God, You direct the steps. I'm ready.

Well, I'm going to go back and listen to the music again. And while the freak-a-zoids will line up to see Episode 3, I'll be camping out at the Christian bookstore to get Mark's CD the second it comes out.

Walk with God. A new longer entry coming tout de suite (that's very soon for those non-Frenchies out there).

What the stink is a church supposed to be like anyway?

2005-05-10T01:55:00.000-04:00

I figured a title like that would get your attention. Seriously though, have you ever given thought to whether or not your church actually falls under the definition of what God would consider a church? There are so many churches, one on every street corner (right next to all the Waffle Houses in the south!). Is anyone actually getting it right? Who's closer than others? What about your church? Do you like it because the music is good and your friends go there and it's close to your favorite restaurant so you can stop there on the way home? Or is it something much deeper?

Acts 2:42-47 paints a decent picture. Wait a minute! You mean there are no multi-media slide shows? No national television ministries? No 20,000 square foot addition with retractible dome? Nope. Just a group of people united by a common purpose - to live out the teachings of the One who died, for themselves and for the world around them.

What did they do?

1. DEVOTED THEMSELVES TO TEACHING AND FELLOWSHIP (v. 42). First, they'd have a seven-course meal on the Word. You think your pastor is good? How about Peter? Then, they hung out together. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Makes for a pretty sterile church, too. Is your church too religious to have fun? Check out some of my early pieces on living from the true heart. God is in the Super Bowl party.
2. SIGNS AND WONDERS ARE TAKING PLACE (v. 43). Look, I'm not into gold fillings and bleating like sheep or doing doses of "carpet time". But if the Holy Spirit does not somehow regularly attend your service, isn't your church pretty much just a country club?
3. UNITY (v. 44-45). Red and yellow, black and white, Jew and Gentile, slave and free, short and tall, fat and skinny. In Jesus, we are one just like the Three are One.
4. COMMITTMENT TO EACH OTHER (v.45). No, I'm not preaching socialism. But bearing one another's burdens is mandatory. When I was out of work a few years ago, dear friends of ours gave us $300. Just because. If you have needs and no one is meeting them, it's easy to say they're all selfish. But what if no one knows? If you're not connected to the body, your needs will go unmet. And it's not necessarily the body's fault!
5. COMMITTMENT TO THE VISION (V. 46). "Day by day...". All people need to walk in step with the vision all the time. When the vision gets cloudy, the church runs off course. The Methodist church is a great example of this. Their logo is the cross with a flame around it. Nowadays, most Methodist churches' wood is so wet it'll never ignite. Liberal doctrines, man's ideals, and CRASH! down comes the denomination. Leaders must challenge their people to continue to walk in God's ways and stay true to the founding of what the church is in the community for. And if your church really doesn't have a full-fledged purpose, or it's failing badly to meet it, it's time to start asking some serious questions.
6. SUPERNATURAL GROWTH. It's no coincidence that Luke repeats the phrase "day by day" in the last verse. If people see authentic Christianity displayed, they'll flock to it. No slick marketing campaigns, glossy ads or radio programs. Churches are built in the trenches, life by life, soul by soul.

Ephesians 4:11-16 also shows the church at its best. Our main duty? To equip the saints for the work of the ministry. You know that whole "10% do 90% of the work" thing? Ain't no equippin' happnin' there! Every joint and ligament in its place, doing its job. Churches need to strike a healthy balance between "the chosen few" who can lead, and the so-called "works mentality" that prevails in many bodies. It's not easy. Nothing worthwhile is.

As we grow to be more like Jesus, our needs change for churches. When you're younger, it might be cool to go to the "hip" church in town. But for someone like me, who is growing in their faith to a new dimension and with three young souls in tow, my view of what's important is changing. I recently had a pastor look into my seven year old's face and encourage her to go to the mission field. Equipping the saints. Never let go of the main thing.

Does your church encourage you this way? I challenge you...take a long, hard look at what your church offers you and your community. If it doesn't bring life, walk away. No matter how committed you are to the programs going on. Your devotion to Jesus goes way beyond a program. Your life is worth more than getting burnt out by serving where you're not fed.

Time's a wastin', campers. Let's give the local church our full attention. Call it to be so much more than it is. What's He saying to you?

Greater is He...

2005-05-03T01:16:00.000-04:00

"The LORD is a Warrior; the Lord is His Name."

---Exodus 15.3

"Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."

---Ephesians 6.11

"Put 'em up! Put 'em up! I'll fight you with one paw tied behind my back!

---Cowardly Lion, "The Wizard of Oz"

I've never been a prayer warrior. If there's one spiritual discipline I've never understood and even less participated in, it's prayer. It's not that I don't believe in it - "Prayer changes things...Pray without ceasing...". But there always seemed to have been a disconnect between me and God when it came to coming before the throne of grace. I never understood why. I would say my token prayers and leave it at that. No power, no faith, no passion. Blah Blah Blah. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

All that has changed since the Boot Camp. I'm realizing just how vital it is for me to pray and have His power fill me all day. I wrote in an earlier article that I pray the Daily Prayer from John Eldredge. You can download it from the Ransomed Heart website that's linked to the right of this page. I don't just read it and leave it. It seems to springboard me into praying for people, things, my family. I do business with God and I am fully convinced that He hears it and will act upon it. I desperately need Him to, because I'm toast without His full intervention.

Case in point - this past Saturday. We're all swimming at the Sagamore. Having a great time. Rachel and I are in the pool and hot tub together. We're having a very special daddy/daughter time. Then she had to go to the bathroom. When she got there, she started looking pale. Rachel's been having times where she just passes out and doctors can't figure out why. Well, I panicked. I took Rachel to Tricia and she had the lifeguard call the EMT on duty. 30 minutes and all the attention in the world later, and we're on our way to Glens Falls Hospital (against my wishes at the time) for more blood work and an EKG. After three hours at the hospital, we got home.

In retrospect, I was pretty poor in response to all that happened. Selfish and aloof, I didn't come alongside my wife and daughter and stand strong for them. I was more upset as to why they always have to be the center of attention. Why are you embarrassing me? God got a hold of me as we were driving down to Glens Falls and this morning in prayer.

He gave me a great teaching word this morning. He said I have great authority in prayer, more than I realize. Why haven't I known about it? Because the devil wants nothing more for me to be impotent in prayer; because the devil knows the damage it can do. He showed me that if I had taken authoirty right there at the pool, in front of the EMT and the security guards, I could have seen the enemy fly out the door and never come back. I didn't. He's not condemning me; He's showing me what I'll be able to do next time.

Jesus was given all authority to overcome all the power of the enemy. Jesus has passed that authority down to you and me. Prayer should not turn into "please please please" session, where we hope that God has heard enough of our prayers and feels we are worthy to be answered. That is the basis for most other religions. Jehovah's Witnesses, Muslims. You try to present yourself just good enough that God will tip the cosmic scales in your favor. How much is good enough to earn God's favor?

We need to do nothing except know deep down that God has granted all authority to us. There is nothing that can tear us down or take us apart. WE HAVE THE VICTORY!!!!! Prayer is more like telling our enemies that they've lost. Over and over and over again. Think about the balls the devil has that he would attack a three year old child. A baby? "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy..." (John 10.10). We are at war. We need to fight. Live in the authority God placed in us. Just because you don't believe he's there doesn't mean he's not.

Start with the Daily Prayer. The more you pray it, the more it becomes a part of you. And it will help you to clarify your position in the world and inside His Kingdom. Then just talk to God. Walk with Him. Commune with Him. It's not religion. Anything that guides you in the direction of religion should be tossed aside immediately. He loves us passionately. Let Him know you want the same thing the other way. He's got enough love and revelations to go around.

I don't have a talk show, but...

2005-04-30T01:16:00.000-04:00

I am not the world's most political guy. I know what I believe and I know liberals are morons! Seriously, I don't want this blog to become another "right-wing" outpost. There are enough of those and the writers on those sites are going to exceed even my loftiest dreams. That having been said, I do have some thoughts about some news items that I want to get off my chest. This is not an article that I necessarily want feedback on. If you want to discuss stuff, let's talk about how your heart is and where Jesus fits into the equation. But for the record, let me say...

1. I don't care what Democrats say, I want a private savings account with my social security money in it. I'm tired of working my fingers to the bone so that my percentage can be sent to Grandma and Grandpa playing golf in Florida. Sorry you didn't save enough when you were working. I'm through paying your entitlement. I don't want a portion of mine in a private account - I want the whole enchilada in there. It's mine, I earned it, I ought to keep it. Period. Did you know government employees (including some of the very idiots who are saying you can't control your own money) are allowed to deflect a portion of their pay into a retirement plan that looks amazingly similar to the one President Bush has proposed? Why won't they let you do the same? Because you are stupid. And your money belongs to THEM, not you.

2. Teachers in the Albany (NY) City school district were encouraged by the school board to call parents to update them on their children's performance. Problem is, the Teacher's Union said the teachers won't do it. It's not in their contract. One Social Studies teacher on TV said, "I have 125 students. I can't make all those calls. I do have a life, you know.". Yep. And you'll have one filled with unemployment if you don't grab a phone and start talking.

2a. This is why my girls will never go to public school. And, even though it seems a dead issue now, I'm still hugely in favor of schol vouchers so I can take the small fortune I give the school district every year and buy my girls state of the art homeschool supplies so they'll finish ahead of the public school brain-washing throng and take over the world. I can hope, I guess...

3. A guy on the radio yesterday started talking about a 16 year old girl who wanted an abortion. When the parents couldn't find the child, they asked school officials. They said a counselor had escorted her to a Planned Parenthood office. When the parents tried to go in and get their daughter, who is a minor, they nearly arrested them. Now, I searched the interent for the story but couldn't find it. So I don't know if it's real or an urban legend. But think - you read it and automatically thought it was true, didn't you? How sad is our country when we think a horrible thing like that actually could happen? Truth is, it probably has and you didn't even know about it.

4. The Yankees are 9-14. It's not so much that the Yankees are old (they are) bloated (they are) and don't care about anything but the paycheck (they don't), but I think the rest of the league has caught up to them. Boston beat them last year. The Orioles and Blue Jays are much improved. The Angels just beat them 2 out of 3. Texas beat them up, too. These teams are building young teams with talent. Talent that's not intimidated by the Pinstripes. It's too early to say if the Yankees are done. But the last three years, they seem to wind down after August. This year, they've wound down before they could wind up. It could be the end of the line. How sweet would it be if the Yankees didn't even make the playoffs?

5. Who do you think will win "American Idol"? Right now, I'd bet on Bo with Vonzell second. I'm glad Constantine got kicked off. Paula sobs when he loses. It's so shocking! No it's not. Sing better, loser! He never could sing. There are people sitting at home who didn't even make it past the first audition who can sing better than that. I'm not even sure how he got to where he was. Yeesh, that's bad stuff!

6. They took Glenn Beck off WGY and replaced him with a poser punk rocker who screams at me. Great. Any wonder why I've been listening more to WROW lately?

7. If any of you know about a house in the country (preferably Schoharie County), please let us know. I'm tired of paying all my taxes to the Communist Socialist Republic of Schenectady. I'm broke and what do I have to show for it? Dirty streets, garbage pick-up I have to pay for, a stuttering fool for a mayor whose idea of getting things done is renting a bus and driving to Albany to get a couple of dollars. And this Della Ratta city councilman who beats up a kid and won't resign his office? And the mayor won't remove him from office. Christians can't get hired because of their faith, but if you want to kick the crap out of some guy, that makes you a character leader. I'm so proud of my hometown. Yippee.

Seven is plenty for tonight, I think. See you in May!

Something's Coming...

2005-04-26T01:44:00.000-04:00

"Could Be? Who knows? Could it be? Something's coming! Something good! Maybe tonight!"

----Tony, "Something's Coming", West Side Story

Well, as you can see from my journal entries, lots of great things happened at the Boot Camp. the Ransomed Heart website is linked to the right of this page. Check it out and if God so leads, you should sign up for the lottery to go to the camp. People I've talked to about it say, "Oh, but it costs so much money!" Granted, I got most of the costs paid for by my boss. But what's a little money when your heart's at stake? Isn't there a parable about a man who found a treasure in a great field? He sold all he had to buy the field. I know Jesus is teaching about our committment to him; but the same theory holds true for things like the Boot Camp.

Tricia and I have had a rule about our spiritual growth: If God is leading you to buy something or do something, and you test it and it really is the Lord, there's a blank check in the book for it. Now, normally, that really just refers to a book or a video. God provides all the money; we need to give to the kingdom, but we also need to build the kingdom within our hearts. You just can't put a price tag on that.

Let me get to the purpose of this entry. It's getting late and I was going to bed early, too. Oh, well...

On the heels of the Boot Camp, there have been a lot of things happening in me. I've been praying. A lot. Now, if you know me, praying is not my strongest suit. I'm not sure if something new has come alive in me or I just realize how desperately I need to commit to prayer. It's been interesting, because the very things I pray about start exploding after I pray for them. Many times, exploding in BAD ways! When you pray for strongholds to be released, and they rage back at you after you pray, you're on to something! Keep pressing in! Like Rich Mullins sang, "You're on the verge of a miracle". I start with the Daily Prayer from Ransomed Heart. I'm sure you can find it on the web site. I'm usually not into reading prayers. But there is something very good about speaking the truth and having you heart testify to what's coming out of your mouth. The daily prayer is full of scripture and truth. I'd copy it here, but it's really long. Tell you what - I'll post it as a separate entry soon! When I finish it, I automatically start praying for my own needs. It's like I get a jump start to my own individual praying.

Danny said today he sees a gift of discernment growing up in me. I didn't know what to say. What can you say? God is pouring out new gifts and growing me in new ways. That's kind of on the same lines as what else I think God has been showing me. I think I'm supposed to go back to school and get my Master's in Counseling. I've looked up a couple of distance programs - Regent and Liberty - and I'm trying to really get the heart of God on it. I'm not thinking anytime soon. Maybe even fall '06. We want to get rid of the rest of our debt first. Other things (which I don't have time to write about now) need to get in line, too. Think about it...this guy who has hated talking to people is going to be a counselor? Maybe. But that's God for you.

What else is happening? I'm more at peace. Last week there was a day in Albany which otherwise would have torn me apart. Didn't even phase me. Today in Albany? Different matter. I did let it get to me. Not as much as I might have. And I was good with the patients. That helped. But that's my point: I'm enjoying the one-on-one with the patients. I'm disliking the sales angle. Can't I just talk to them? How's the grandkids, Mrs. Johnson?

I guess selling them hearing aids is a prerequisite to actually helping them.

In a lot of ways, it's hard to describe. I just feel more mature. Like the Boot Camp was some sort of passage into Biblical adulthood. I'm ready for greater battles. Growing wearier of petty little things.

And what does a fear-free life look like? Hopefully, even more like what I'm seeing every day in me.

Well, that's enough from me. Time to shut the thinker down for a while. Enjoy! Till you read again -

Walk with God.

Boot Camp Journal, Part 4

2005-04-25T16:45:00.000-04:00

April 9, 2005 - 2:16 MDT
Back in the Lounge

I said goodbye to fear today. I made an agreement with the spirit of fear more than 25 years ago, and there I stayed. With Harry yelling and screaming at me. Being in my room alone, afraid. Through not making friends. Through settling for less than in my life. Not sticking with music ministry. Not running for SA Senate. Not continuing to seek after His purpose after Jim told me to go get a job. I have been afraid. Of what specifically? I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter. Fear is always the first emotion I feel when confronted with anything new. Or challenging. “Will I have what it takes?” To be a friend. A husband. A hearing aid specialist. I’m going to blow it. I’m going to be an idiot. I’m going to have people laugh at me. No one will want to be my friend if they REALLY knew...

So, I create the poser. A happy go lucky guy without a care in the world. No one can identify with him either. But he seems like such a likeable guy. I’m sure he’s got a circle that love him totally. Nope. Not the case at all. In fact, he’s the loneliest guy you’ll ever meet. He has no deep male friends his own age. Even his own wife doesn’t know the depths of his faking. He’s afraid of being the real deal. Because everyone will hate it.

But that fear has kept me from a lot of things. Fear of failure probably kept me from dating girls that I was really attracted to, not just girls I knew I could get. Fear of failure probably kept me from good jobs. No doubt it has kept me from plans and purposes straight from God. I didn’t live from my true heart and continue with music ministry. It’s just a pipe dream anyway. Shut up and get a job. Kill your heart. You weren’t using that anyway.

But fear would keep me from the next big plan from God in the journey. I love writing. Music. CREATIVITY! What’s the biggest hang-up for struggling artists? REJECTION!
An artist has to believe in what they are creating. Anything less will never make it anyway, because it’s not authentic. So I’m going to put my eggs in the writing basket, let the world feel the weight of my anointing and make them deal with it.

First, God brought me back to a verse He gave me a few months ago, but now really takes some weight. It’s Isaiah 41:10-17 -

Fear not (there is nothing to fear), for I am with you; do not
look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am the Lord
your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties; yes,
I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My
[victorious] right hand of rightness and justice. Behold all they
who are enraged and inflammed against you shall be put to shame
and confounded; they who strive against you shall be as nothing
and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you
but shall not find them; they who war against you shall be as
nothing, nothing at all. For I the Lord your God hold your right
hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, Fear not; I will help you!
Fear not, you worm Jacob, you men of Israel! I will help you,
says the Lord; your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel. (This next
part is the coolest part to me!) Behold, I will make you to be a new,
sharp, threshing instrument which has teeth;

you shall thresh the mountains and beat them small, and shall make
the hills like chaff.

You shall winnow them, and the wind shall carry them away, and the tempest or whirlwind shall scatter them. And you shall rejoice in the Lord, you shall glory in the Holy One of Israel.

A couple of thoughts...notice the Amplified’s addition of “There is nothing to fear”. God will strengthen, hold up by His right hand, and help in times of need. But it’s not just a touchy-feely thing. Or a theory. Verses 15 and 16 take care of that, making the believer into a new instrument with teeth. Tough, violent, strong, capable of doing the job. What is that job? It depends what God puts in the way. Whatever it is, it doesn’t stand a chance.

Then, as I was trying to get to Isaiah 41 to read that, God gave me another passage in Isaiah. Again, one that I had read; but now read with completely different eyes. It’s all of chapter 35 -

The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad; the desert shall
rejoice and blossom like the rose and the autumn crocus. It shall blossom abundantly and rejoice even with joy and singing. The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it, the excellency of [Mount] Carmel and [the plain] of Sharon. They shall see the glory of the Lord, the majesty and splendor and excellency of the Lord. Strengthen the weak hands and make firm the feeble and tottering knees. Say to those who are of a fearful and hasty heart, Be strong, fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance; with the recompense of God He will come and save you. Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped. Then shall the lame man leap like a hart, and the tongue of the dumb shall sing for joy. For waters shall break forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert. And the burning sand and the mirage shall become a pool, and the thirsty ground springs of water; in the haunt of jackals, where they lay resting, shall be grass with reeds and rushes. And a highway shall be there, and a way; and it shall be called the Holy Way. the unclean shall not pass over it, but it shall be for the redeemed; the wayfaring men, yes, the simple ones and fools, shall not err in it and lose their way. No lion shall be there, nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it; they shall not be found there. But the redeemed shall walk on it. And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing, and everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

I cried like a baby when I read verses 3 and 4. That’s exactly what I needed to hear God say. Fear not! I am coming! And with vengeance! I’m not bringing peace, but a sword! But the cool part about this chapter is what God promises after he does the saving. THEN, he will heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free. THEN the waters are going to break forth. THEN mirages will become pools (in other words, dreams become realities!). THEN a highway will be built for the people to come, find rest, and rejoice! THEN all the people will come and everlasting joy will be theirs.

All because one knucklehead dared to believe that God wanted him to live fear-free. The blessings and incredible things start happening once the freedom happens! All those THENS? That’s Act Four. The larger story I was born into. If I don’t bind fear at the end of Act Three through the authority Jesus gave to me, Act Four will never happen.

One more passage from Isaiah. Now that fear is gone, I need to take a firm stand to make sure it stays gone. This is Isaiah 26:13-14, the people declaring their allegiance to God -

O Lord our God, other masters besides You have ruled over us, but we will acknowledge and mention Your Name only. They [the former tyrant masters] are dead, they shall not live and reappear; they are powerless ghosts, they shall not rise and come back. Therefore, you have visited and made an end of them and caused every memory of them [every trace of their supremacy] to perish.

I love the idea that the spirits that have been tormenting me for years are now nothing more than powerless ghosts. They are dead and every last remembrance of them is cast away. They were really dead all along. But it’s just now that I am breaking my treaty with them and telling them to piss off. After that morning session, the Word just exploded to me. I read a whole chunk of Matthew 11 and 12 and it just came alive! It all relates to the bigger story God is growing in my heart!

In my first valiant fear-free move, I sat next to Steve and Ben and four guys I didn’t know. I told Steve some of my father wound stories. Three wounds for the price of one.
then I played pool (not my best skill) with Doug, a guy I didn’t know. Turns out he’s a gold course superintendent at Denver Country Club. He lives in Littleton, CO (where Columbine is). We talked golf, Columbine, kids. It was a neat conversation with a total stranger. Would I have done that before this morning? Maybe, but I don’t think I would have enjoyed it as much. It’s neat to step out and just be myself. I don’t really know who’s going to pop out!

Well, I’m into page nine of this journal. Whew! My fingers are killing me! But what a freeing weekend! I think I’m almost ready to confront the next chapter of the journey. I have to be...like it’s going to wait for me. Ready or not, here I come!

The question God posed to me as the lunch bell rang was “What does a life without fear look like?” I have no idea; but I’m not afraid of it! It’s my marching orders as I enter the
next leg of my journey.

Boot Camp Journal, Part 3

2005-04-25T16:38:00.000-04:00

Editor's note: Sorry it's taken me nine days to get more published. I kept leaving the floppy disk at work. If you think this is bad, consider my pictures. I still haven't developed them yet. Yeesh!

Saturday, April 9 - 5:39AM MDT
Back at Ogalala Lounge
Still dark outside

I guess I’m not going to adjust to the time change. I’ve been up around 5 am both mornings so far. Asleep by 10pm. But that’s pretty close to my schedule back in New York.

Yesterday was a powerful day. After the first morning session (oh, did I mention the bacon egg and cheese biscuit sandwiches for breakfast? Outstanding!) I pretty much knew what I wrote yesterday morning - that I need to do the Father’s Day piece. Guys are counting on me (More on that later). So John teaches the first part of the morning from Epic, about our lives needing to fall into the bigger story. I bought the little book. And the bulk of what was in there was in Waking the Dead. So I definitely want to re-read that. I’ve always felt that. Asking over and over “What am I supposed to do?”. I’ve always felt my life was more than just floating through doing a few neat things. There is an adventure for me to be called up into. There’s a bigger picture.

Then, the afternoon break. Larry went repelling! I want pictures for my scrapbook. I sat in the spot I’m in right now the whole time. I wrote more of the Father’s Day piece. I was thinking I was going to re-write most of it. When I read back what I’d already written, I liked it. With a few minor changes. So I did. Pretty much got the first draft written. Then the 4 o’clock session about the father wound. Ouch! Here we go again. So many men crying in the room at the clips of “The Kid” and “Good Will Hunting”. Me included. You know, if they had flashed “Field of Dreams” up there, I probably would’ve passed out. They didn’t, though. But I realized that the drama I’m writing is touching that stuff, and I didn’t fully recognize it. Now I do. During the quiet session, I went back and added a little more emotion to it. I think it’s fine how it is. It is five pages long. I hope Pastor Jim will let me go for 10-15 minutes. Probably not. We’re in for a battle. I want Danny to read it, too. He’ll be the first proofreader. I highly value his opinion.

The last session was on the new name. I was so tired I had no energy left to explore it. So I just went to bed. So, here I am. 6am. I’m going to go down to the over look by the pool and just listen as the sun rises. God, who do You think I am? What words would you use?